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Spoke with ExABF last night again. Since we spilt up, well since the beginning of the year, he usually calls every night. We laugh and joke now and for the most part there is a pleasant calmness that is with us as I work my program and see the light more and more. However he says things sometimes that really give me mixed messages(when he is always saying he does not want to lead me on or mess this up) and it just plain ticks me off-but to avoid a conflict I let it go and try to stop and THINK before going off. I usually remember I can not control HIM.......only me but it still bugs me sometimes. We both agreed to work on ourselves and then we believed that we would have a chance at being together again-that was fine with me. He needed space-that was fine also as I found I did also. But like last night we are talking and he makes some remark about "well I've never been invited over for a dart game" (he bought my son a dartboard for Christmas), and then as we are hanging up he says "I got another movie card from work for my birthday so we'll have to use that also" He knows I have been lonely lately, and have also been asked out by other men (which is not always easy to say no to especially right now), so does he not get that I would LOVE to go to a movie with him, I would LOVE for us to be in a better place seperately so we could try again, I would LOVE just to know that he gave a flying rat's butt and not just on the monthly occassion he lets me know. I would LOVE to spend time with the man that was so open with me that he would tell me anything and everything on his mind-(what makes it even harder for me is I feel more and more like that man is gone and either never was real to begin with or is never coming back) Now we have been apart for 2 months, and after the first month of me trying with everything I had to control the situation, and fight for us, I listened to Jerry and decided I no longer liked the way I was feeling, so I did the opposite of what I had been doing-I just let go. I quit calling, sending big old emails professing my undying love and devotion, I quit arguing and trying to control, I just quit all of the codependant behaviors as best I could, and I let it go. Since the beginning of the year I have not asked to see him, or for us to be together etc, (since the beginning of the year he calls almost nightly) and to be honest I won't ask to see him-not after having been rejected before for it and all the arguing it caused between us. And then he makes remarks like last night and I am like thinking WHAT do you want from me? Do you want me to be crazy???Do you not like me being sane? Do you miss the chase? Do you not get it that YOU BROKE UP WITH ME??? UGHHHHHHH Why do I even talk to him sometimes I wonder that? I told him when we split, and he really wanted to keep communication open (at the time I did not)that the only way I would consider that is if we were both doing it because we hoped to reconcile in the future, that I would not do it to maintain a friendship and that I would not do it to lessen the pain for either of us, and he agreed and we have kept in touch, though it has been a struggle at times. He says he loves me, believes we can work it out together by working on ourselves and our programs seperately right now, and I agree. But he also knows that I have been really struggling with being lonely lately (something I have never known/allowed myself to experience) so now is even a harder time for me. I just don't understand sometimes. And yes I know-Work on me, focus on me and I am doing EVERYTHING I should be plus......but it's like little comments like that from him, when I am lonely and missing what was anyway just get to me...... Thanks for letting me share and listening to my vent:) Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
(((SHELLY))) Ok... Well sounds to me, with my thoughts on it all, maybe the two of you could sit down at a dinner, and see if you are ready for F2F.. Not a "fast Food" I mean somewere you can look at each other, quite, private... And just talk... It is easy to hide your emotions over the phone. But if you have to set boundry's, if you have to use it as a test and see if you and him are on the same page as to were you hope to end up... you already said that you was to a point that you loved sharing with him, well do that!!! Share with him what you talk so highly about him sharing with you.. Don't do it grudgingly, just do it and be your new found "calming" self...Let yesterday in YESTERDAY... Just for the night...New start.."Fresh Start" I don't want you to give up on "that guy" when that guy holds the strings to what you feel will be your "Happily Ever After"... Your a beautiful person, and there will always be "someone out there" but if your "Someone holds your heart strings" then give him the Song in your heart... YOU!!! You have came a long way, but live it one day at a time, and give yourself a "Treat" once in while for doing so good... Dinner, if you want to chat, Movie Card if you just want the company or both, and see if it helps... What can it hurt... Give yourself permission... Your the only one holding you back...So let yourself Live...
Love ya, very lovingly... Know that... (((HUGS))) Missing out
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Have you thought about cutting off all communication with him, at least until you are stronger? In my experience, it is possible for a sober A to believe that he is still in a relationship, even though separated, simply because he calls every day.
Sober or not, those As are a tricky bunch when it comes to relationships. Sober 10 years doesn't necessarily mean that he has matured in that area. My AH is almost 4 years sober and even with all of the progress he has made, especially in the past year, he is still unable to be a fully open and sharing partner. We are separated and he calls me at least one time, every day, and has since he moved out of the house three years ago.
I am still in the relationship because there is very obvious growth on his part and, for now, that is enough for me. He is working an active recovery program and we are in MC with an addictions specialist who knows what couples in recovery face.
Has anything changed in his program in the past two months that would lead you to believe that he has made any progress in becoming the type of romantic partner that you need?? Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I hope your situation is different. But my experience is that they say what works at the time. I think that sometimes they say those things to cover all bases. My AHsober would say things like oh then we can go here together. He was just stringing me along. Have you read the Geting Them Sober books? Sometimes A's play games. Watch what he does not what he says.t
I know that my aH, from whom I am separated would contact me with a simple "goodnight" or "I'm thinking of you..." and I would think that was very kind and loving. Next day, he'd do or say something that was not so kind and loving. I realized that the "goodnights" and "thinking of you's" were more for him than for me. Him wanting validation. Him needing to hang by a thread. Him needing to reach out - that it had very little to do with me. I believed and still believe that I need more than that in a relationship - that I want to have a role in it and I'd like for it on some level to be about me.
I understand loneliness. I feel that also. I try to keep busy and try not to dwell so much on what was and think more of what is.
Well I can relate. After I split with the ex A I missed him terribly. He got back in contact in May (we split in April) that was one of the longest months of my life. Soon enough we were back in the old old patterns. He did not even think of changing. The bottom he was in did not even cause him to think of giving up all his substances. He had excuses for it all, guess what he did not take any responsibility. I now see A's as being incredibly dependent. They need enablers around to keep them going. I stopped enabling him. He still calls at least once a week. I don't answer the phone. I'll never answer the phone to him. You would think he would have got the message by now as I have not spoken to him for a year. I'm just one on the list.
Of course you have incredibly mixed feelings about the person you have been with for a long long time. The tools of the program are there for you. You can get busy. You can get active in the program. Work the steps. The fourth step is time consuming. You can start getting active in your own life so you miss him less. Self care is hard for those of us who have really been codependents. For some of us that takes a lot of time and energy and commitment to take care of ourselves.
You have many many options. You can use the program and not go back to old ways of thinking.
