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Hello everyone! It's been awhile since my last post. I'm really trying to stay strong and focus f on myself....I really am. Just when I think I'm doing good I relapse. My AH is still drinking on and off. If he goes thru stages and when he is not drinking is when I relapse. And then it's even harder to get back to taking care of myself. I try very hard not worry about him. I don't ask questions anymore and I try to stay calm as can be when I know he has been drinking. There has been several times the last couple of months that he hadn't come home til early morning and I still don't ask questions. My question is How am I not supposed to worry when the things that he does affect me too?? If he gets pulled over again? The only way to avoid it is to get out of this marriage once and for all. We had lost so much money with his first dui and I'm so afraid what will happen the next time. Like I said I'm trying to stay calm but deep down I want to Blow up!!!! I'm so sick of the broken promises. Him being drunk one night then hearing him apologize the next day makes me sick!! I shut him right up and tell him what he says does not mean anything to me anymore!! Although deep down EVERYTIME I want to believe him. It's so hard to stay strong!! He's such a good man....He really is. I love him and I know he loves me. I just don't know for how much longer I can take this. Not good for me and not good for my kids. Sorry for being all over the place!!! Just very Frusterated and Very hurt!!! Thanks for listening.
Hi reading your share we could be twins My A boyfriend is a lovely person and I have been through all the same stuff as you mention. I tried hard to use my Alanon and it did help. I carnt give you advice I can only share what I have done. I still love my partner but now my life is very seperate from his, therefore his drinking does not affect me. I have learnt through this program that i have choices and no matter how much I love someone they are not my responsibility. In fact by helping trying to change my partner I was helping him to stay ill. I now only have contact on the phone. I dont give him advice and if he shares a problem I treat him like an adult and ask him how he can handle it. I dont know what the future holds for us. All I know is I am in control of only me and one day at a time I make healthy choices for me and my kids. Talking about kids our home is so much calmer and my children have told me they are happier. I hope my partner does find sobriety but I carnt live with him and his unacceptable behaviuor it take my focus off my children who are my responsibility. I didnt get here over night I go to as many f2f meeting as I can, Iread lots of alanon literature every day. I have a sponsor and if I carnt contact her I contact someone else from my groups this support has been my life line. I hope you can find the peace I am slowly finding it is amazing when you love yourself and take care of your needs good luck hope this helps
I'm new here. I live with my AH too with my daughter and I'm trying to work the programme and let go of my need to make our lives manageable by controlling him.
I relapse too when he is better as I start believing in the fairy tale in my head that we can have a normal life like other people and our problems are in the past. I left and then we got back together again because he was 'better'. 6 months after moving back in he is where he was again. I am not though, I am stronger thanks to my HP.
I now know that whether we can stay with him depends not on whether he stops drinking (he may or may not and if he does it may not be permanant) but whether I can manage my own emotions and be happy in my own life no matter what he does. I pray I can. I still want to. I have to weigh up what I want with what is best for my daughter though and that's a tough call to make. It's hard to let go of the fairy tale in my head of what our relationship could be if only... the one that is reinforced by his false promises.
SGraingermk - keep talking and sharing your frustrations, you are strong and wonderful and you will with the help of your HP make the right choices for you and your children.
I am new to this. Havent spoken about my husbands problem to anyone before. Too embarrased and frightened what people will do. I try to control him. I believe him every time he says sorry. I am always afraid he will lose his job. He has lost his driving licence. I think I still love him. I am desperate. I hate searching the house for vodka bottles. Almost always find them. I feel empty. I dont want our 4 year old to find out. God, why cant we be a normal couple!
The programme does work. You can recover from this illness and regain your strength, joy and love regardless of the decisions that your husband makes. Let's do it together
I well remember the sage with the ex A and his driving Eventualy he lost everything with it and so did I. You certainly have reason to be concerned.
One thing that helped me was to make a plan be. What would it be to get out of your marriage. Make the plan be. You do not have to act on it. When you have a plan be you will have a much clearer idea of what your options are and the obsessing will be less.
It's been a few days since I posted this and since then my AH and I have been talking. Not that I beleive a word he says when it comes to him not drinking. But I know he loves me. He's just not getting that he can quit on his own. He has every excuse possible on why he can't do AA or even pick up a book. And thats fine. He once again sees a change in me and I think that deep down it drives him crazy. The last couple of days have been nice. Been spending sometime together. But....not intimate at all. I always told him the more he drinks and does stupid things the more I fall out of love with him. I'm not sure if that's what happening but I have no desire to sleep with him. He can't understand why and I'm having a really hard time explaining to him why. I'm so numb and I told him that and he does not get it. I do love him but don't want him touching me...Does that make sense?? Sad to say that I'm afraid to say anything wrong to hurt his feelings. Which that should be the last thing I should be worrying about.
Thanks again guys and it's great to be able to share with all of you. (((Hugs))
I know what you mean about not wanting him to touch you. I miss our intimacy but know if I 'let him in' then I'm afraid I'll lose the strength that I have to cope.
I don't want to withhold intimacy as a punishment (which I know I have done in the past) but neither do I want to go through the motions when it's not what I want. It takes time to feel loving again after putting up the walls to protect myself from his behaviour when he is drinking.
I think this is difficult for a non-A man to understand as is gender based let alone for our AH's with their very fragile egos. I have just tried to avoid talking about it and kept my distance to give myself time to heal without any pressure from him. He isn't taking it too well though.
