The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...how many times can a person be beaten up, left without any sort of dignity, painfully drag oneself back to the safety of their own personal hiding place without sustaining permanent damage?
Sometimes it takes all my strength to sort believing in myself after one of these episodes, and quite honestly as I get older I find it harder to do. Meantime, because of the number of years clocked up, in some ways it also becomes easier - that is if I go into automatic pilot and say the Serenity Prayer until I am doing just that...dragging myself up to face another day.
My teenage years were hard as were my twenties, throughout both I was introduced to things I never expected to experience in my life; my thirties screwed me up big time whilst my forties nearly finished me off completely. Now well into my fifties - eekkkkk I am past the halfway mark well and truly - I am struggling with the physical advancement of nature running its course as well as seeing that all the things my doctor said about my earlier physically injuries coming true, and ill health is wrecking havoc with my bodies natural defence mechanisms and attacking my emotional well being.
Each day I grow closer to my God (HP) and I have to remind myself I am not promised a bed of rose petals; and I find the challenges get harder. But here I am, still fighting, still hanging in, still walking this path albeit that I am limping, battered and bruised. And I cling to this family for truth and an injection of belief in myself.
Tomorrow is too far away, today is all I can manage, yesterday is gone, and what has been has been. Now I have to believe that what will be will be and I will get through.
I know I will not be doing this alone, and I know I will have to have faith that "...all will be well, and all manner of things will be well...", (who said that, does not really matter, just keep repeating it over and over till you REALLY believe it Sue?); my body, mind and spirit are beaten up right now, however, with rest I will remember and believe and start walking again. For now, I will sit awhile in the midst of this family and accept the love and support and care that is so readily shared before I even try to step one foot in front of the other.
Forgive me, I am plain wrung out, and feel I have been left crumpled but NOT DEFEATED, no not yet, whilst I have a breath in my body i will attempt to drag myself along and up. It just takes so much more physical and emotional energy these days than it did when I was twenty. I do not feel sorry for myself, I am just plain tired, nay exhausted, and what to shout, "STOP, enough is enough."
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Suzannah, I am SOOO tired also. I often fail to understand what the purpose of this life is about. But I am here so I guess there is something I am supposed to be here for although I will be dam*ed if I will every understand why.
I work so hard and I know you do, too. Life is not easy in any way, shape or form. One day, rest will come and to he honest, I cannot wait! Hugs, J.
I've been feeling a bit like you today, Suzannah. So, I decided to pick up an old book of mine (by Sarah Ban Breathnach) to give me a spiritual boost. I quickly recognized "program talk," so I decided the book had opened to exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe it will help you too. ((((hugs))))
ACCEPTING REAL LIFE "Anything in life that we really accept undergoes a change." (Katherine Mansfield)
"What is acceptance? Acceptance is surrendering to what is... Before we can change anything in our life we have to recognize that this is the way it's meant to be right now. For me, acceptance has become what I call the long sigh of the soul. It's the closed eyes in prayer, perhaps even the quiet tears. It's... "All right, You lead, I'll follow..."
"Whatever situation exists in your life right now, accept it... Cast a glance around and acknowledge what's going on. This is my tiny kitchen with the dirty floor, this is how much I weigh, this is my checking account balance, this is where I work right now. This is what is really happening in my life at the present moment. This is okay. This is real life.
Today, let go of the struggle. Allow the healing process of change to begin. You are ready to move on."
BLESSING OUR CIRCUMSTANCES "Bless a thing and it will bless you. Curse it and it will curse you... If you bless a situation, it has no power to hurt you, and even if it is troublesome for a time, it will gradually fade out, if you sincerely bless it." (Emmet Fox)
"If you're sick and tired of learning life's lessons through pain and struggle, blessing your difficulties will show you there is a better way."
Then start to count your blessings. Start today. Make a spiritual inventory of all your blessings. See if you can't get to one hundred. So much good happens to us but in the rush of daily life we fail even to notice or acknowledge it. Writing it down focuses our attention on the abundance already within our grasp and makes it real."
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am right there with you in age and exhaustion. I never thought I would be where I am today. My sons are gone and my AHsober left and wants a divorce. Go figure; we should be spending our golden years together. As glad lee said, I am truly blessed.
I am convinced that I am in good company here, comforted that none of us are alone. I am convinced, all of us have been to hell with this disease.
It is not my goal to stay there. It is my goal to recover. It does not serve me well to fantasize about what "should be" happening. To me, if it is not happening, I can rest in the fact that indeed, it should NOT be happening. To me, that is surrender. Step three suggests I turn my will and my life over and if I keep saying, "this should not be happening," I have not surrendered. Rather, I am putting myself in the god-position, insisting on my will again.
I am 'practicing' my program. Every day is a new opportunity to practice, practice, practice. I am not perfect, never will be. Every morning, I need support to face each day. Every morning, I meditate to get with my HP and some days it doesn't seem to work so well, but I show up anyway. Every morning, I pray for more faith, MORE FAITH!!! Every morning, I read from my daily reader and I read all the inspirational/spiritual material I can get my hands on. My experience is, this disease wants to kill me and a few years ago, it nearly did as I fantasized about ending my own life. My life isn't easy. And nowhere have I ever found that HP promises "easy." Just that I keep putting one foot in front of the other (spiritually)... keep climbing the mountain. Don't wanna take my eyes off the mountain top.
Please note, it was inspirational to ME to read about "blessing my circumstances." If this ESH doesn't serve anyone well, please take what you like and leave the rest. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee at 09:23, 2009-01-19
-- Edited by glad lee at 15:37, 2009-01-19
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think fighting for our lives is hard. I think I gave up the fight for a long long time with my codependent behavior. I really am pushing myself these days. I'm glad you are clear on what is in front of you.
nay exhausted, and what to shout, 