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Hello all, Its been a while since Ive posted, though I do read all your posts daily. In my last post, I mentioned the drug antabuse, which my boyfriend was prescribed a month ago. He claims he is taking it daily, though since I gave up being his watchdog, I cant be totally sure of this. He is attending meetings regularly, again, according to him. As I have stated before, he is a binge drinker, only managing to stay sober for about 3 weeks at a time. Last week was his 3 week point and his behaviors became all too familiar to me....time lost, money lost, conversations forgotten, conversations that made absolutely no sense, etc. I felt those old reactions resurfacing and fought very hard NOT to react. I am not proud to say that I lost the battle. I was doing well until he received a phone call which he ran into the other room to answer, while I was on the phone with a friend. I ended my conversation within a minute of his receiving his and went into the other room. He had just come home with dinner, which he had been gone for 40 minutes to get. The restaurant is literally 1 minute from our home. I asked him who had called. He told me he had not been on the phone. This reminded me very much of a previous evening not too long ago and bells and whistles were ringing in my head. I repeated the question adding that I had heard him speaking on the phone, to which he replied "I dont know". I had a very hard time believing that he could not remember the person he had just spoken to as he was not on the phone for more than a minute or two and was scrambling to replace his phone when I came into the room....funny, he remembered enough to delete the number of the caller. His behavior all that day and the day prior to that was that of someone who had been drinking. I didnt ask or accuse him of this, I just went about my business, but after this phone incident, I pounced. The next day, he suddenly remembered who it was he was talking to, or more accurately who he "thought it was" in his words. I found that quite convenient and commented on that. Anyway, to make a long story short, though this wasnt really short and I do apologize.... I am just wondering, am I going crazy or is what I feel is happening, really happening or because he has a cycle of behavior when drinking, does this cycle happen even if he isnt? seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
My ESH- if you seek peace- if that is what you really want, do not ask any questions! Go about YOUR business and quit monitoring him and his, you are not his keeper or police or watchdog and that is what our program is all about- OUR focusing on our OWN behaviors, incidents, etc. not his.
Stop asking him questions. Stop monitoring him. LET GO AND LET GOD DO THAT PART...get out of the way, get out of the role. Hugs, J.
You are not crazy. If his behavior is the same as it was when he was drinking, then he is drinking. You are choosing to NOT live in denile any longer. He is choosing to continue in denile. Please, compare his actions to those of a sane sober person. That is how I see how really sick my A's behavior was/is.
Yes, stop taking his inventory. Turn the focus back to you. But know that you are NOT crazy and yes, he is an A and A's drink. The lie and they drink. Could there be another excuse for his insane behavior? And the whole phone call thing IS insane.
Well Boy have I been there and done that...I too would comsume myself in his/their business, and I would drive myself crazy on a regular basis... And without knowledge of it at all in my mind.. I thought that in my mind it was my job to "Mother them, Call them on all their lies, and just handle it and take over... Once I started this program and the whole "Let Go & Let God" hit me, I realized the only one driving me crazy was me... Not them... I could not control them, but I could control me... And thank sooooo much to the RIP Family... And if you keep coming back, you will keep getting the support you need to keep moving forward in your life and let your "A" move on with or without you... You hang' in there... You Keep Coming Back, for the support you need... And you will be fine... Hold your head up, and think only of yourself... Sounds as tho you could use a selfish moment at the time... ; )
Love and Hugs.. Missing out...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
.... I am just wondering, am I going crazy or is what I feel is happening, really happening or because he has a cycle of behavior when drinking, does this cycle happen even if he isnt? seeking peace, jeannie
I know this about myself, I have for so much of my life in and around A's tried NOT to see what was there and looked for what I WANTED to be there that I ended up in a place where I doubted my abilities to discern what was true and what wasn't. For some reason I was obsessed with having to be RIGHT in my perceptions and it was tied into my feeling safe within my life/myself.
Through the program I realize that I can choose what to focus on and what to believe and if my belief proves out to be wrong... I can change my mind. It does not mean I am a damaged person because I chose to believe a 'lie' I was told.... it means the person living/telling the lie is the one with a problem. I have proved I am capable of love and trust and caring and how is that NOT a good thing??????? For way too long I thought that if you 'put one over on me' that it showed I was the wrong/dumb/damaged one and so I lived my life trying to control everything around me so that I would be seen as competent and healthy......ROFLMBO!!!!!! The Universe happens with our without my help... I am mearly a bit player and I need to concentrate on MY lines and leave the directing of this play to HP.
And I have found that when I DO that.... peace and serenity come........
I have a magnet on my fridge that I read often.... " No one can drive me crazy unless I give them the keys "
Here's hoping we all take our keys back.......
hugs and healing,
adonaisigirl
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
Oh Jeannie, Step one is not just about being powerless over alcohol. It is only the first shining example to show us where to start. Monitering his phone calls and hounding him about who he is talking too, keeping track of his every move, where he goes, how long he stays, etc, all felt about the same to me as when I monitered his drinking. Its really a lot worse for me. He can stop drinking, but he can't stop using the phone, going to work, seeing friends, going to the store, etc, just because I will go crazy with every step he takes.
Don't beat yourself up over this stuff though. We learned these behaviors over a very long periond of craziness. They are normal natural reactions taken to an abnormal extreme. You will not unlearn them in a day, but with time and hard work, you will be able to control your own urge to participate in the insanity.
You will learn to trust your own judgement when you can let go of the thinking that says that you are defective just because you didn't see the truth. I learned that I don't have to know the truth. I could make an informed judgement about what someones behavior was telling me. When I got to this point, I was able to tell my AH that I did not believe him. His behavior had not changed and history had shown that he could not be trusted. It was not my job to "find the truth". It was my job to protect my sanity from an obvious historical threat. I refused to argue about it and would not discuss it further. I just said my peace and left it at that. The less said, the better.
Just remember to keep the focus on you. Learn to spend your valuable time and effort on the things you can affect a POSITIVE change in and leave the rest to your HP.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Wow. Thanks so much all this thread really helped me.
The truth only matters to me because I want my AH to face up to his own behaviour and see that he needs help. This may well work with a sane person but is completely fruitless with an A. He sees only that he needs to take action to deal with my reaction and will do exactly that in the easiest way possible ie lie, make promises, etc.
Perhaps having given up trying to force him to change I am now just trying to collect enough evidence of his unacceptable behaviour to justify a decision to leave.
In truth, I ALWAYS know when he has been drinking, even if I can't prove it. I am such a student of his actions, speech, body posture I know within 2 seconds of looking at him. I can even tell when he has decided that he is going to drink before it even touches his lips.
LilJeannie. Trust your instincts - you know - but realise that proving it will get you nowhere.
Adonaisgirl - that is so helpful about believing him proving that I am capable of love, trust and caring. It is great to find a way to feel positive about letting go of a compulsion to get to the truth.
Just a few practical suggestions.... I find it's much easier to spy on a person if they aren't aware they are being spied on. Confronting them with each new fact obtained is pretty much forcing them into denial and concealment of everything. Much easier to just sit back and observe. If you need facts, you can gather them this way. No need to argue and try and force the A to admit to something, when you *know* the facts.
I say this because sometimes it is important for us to know the facts. Spying will not help an alcoholic get sober, nor is it a particularly noble activity. But it is a way to (usually quickly) get the facts. When armed with facts, we can make better decisions *for ourselves* and we have the option of ignoring the lies of the A, or better yet not even hearing them. In the end, our lives need not revolve around the A... period. But part of that process can be a little fact finding - again, the purpose being our own enlightenment, not to be used as a weapon to argue with the A. No point even mentioning what we know, or that we know - just know, and be able to act from knowledge. I know the Alanon program isn't about spying, but I know darn well many of us can't resist the temptation. So if you're gonna do it, do it right, and that knowledge is power - when we keep it to ourselves.
Perhaps having given up trying to force him to change I am now just trying to collect enough evidence of his unacceptable behaviour to justify a decision to leave.
If that's what you need to justify it to yourself... but if you are planning to use it to justify it to *him*, know that he'll never accept it.
