The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started to write in response to Rakenjake, but then thought she had a god idea so here's my success story...
My AH is also sober, 16 months now. But he did that himself.
My success is working this program and getting to my meetings regardless of what he did even when I wasn't sure he would live to make the next one. I go to meetings at least twice a week when things are good, bad, whatever. That is my program.
I am able to let him live his life, even though we are reconciled and the family is back together. I still feel the urge often times to do for him, things he can do for himself, but now I seldom act on those usrges. I have set a boundary that if he wants something from me, he has only to ask. I will no longer attempt to read minds. I was never very good at it anyway. LOL
Most recently I have even found myself able to do things for myself and allow him to take care of chores and stuff, and only feel minimal guilt, that I also do not act on.
I am developing my skill in a craft that I love I have learned to make this a priority in my life. It is something that I do for me. It is meditative and soothing. Someday if I get good enough at it, it may even bring in a bit of income. That would give me a bit more independence and give the family a bit more stability financially.
Life is give and take. Its ok to take turns being responsible for the basic daily stuff. Since I have let him, my AH has learned to do dishes, cook meals, get the livestock fed before dark, etc. I have learned to let him be the adult that he is and stay out of the way of his learning. He has made many of the same mistakes he always did, but wonder of wonders, he is now learning from them. I don't have to do anything about it, either. I am here when he wishes to ask for help with something, and he has learned to do that too. It is truly amazing.
But the most amazing thing for me is that I am learning to have faith in other peoples recovery, and their ability to find their own way. This includes my fellow Alanoners. My program reminds me that newcomers need to feel welcome above all else. They don't have to, and won't, get everything in an instant, but they will get it. They will absorb it slowly, just like I did, and then they will be amazed when a newcomer comes in and shows them just where they were a few months or a year ago.
What a beautiful program we have!
I feel truly blessed.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(Jen) Great post. I guess we want all newcomers to just get it. But as you said we did not "just get it". It takes different amounts of time depending on the person.
I guess we could compare Al-Anon to a time release pill. It works in its own time. But before it can start to work the pill has to be swallowed, and digested. I am grateful I took my 1st Al-Anon pill over two years ago.
Thanks for sharing the hope! My AH is in denial right now and the disease has been trying to suck me into it with him. He once had 14 years and is not drinking right now. He takes care of his business and helps out a lot. He drank right before Christmas then stopped. He appears to bounce back to normal, but the communication between us feels insane and he threatens to end the relationship every time we fight. Because he can appear completely normal - i get really confused. You show me that it is possible to stay strong and connected and how to stay detached
To Ash, Just a couple of suggestions that have helped me in dealing with my AW. One I do not let myself get drawn into the arguments anymore. Everytime I see one coming I back off (detach) EVERYTIME, why get involved when I know where it is going to lead each and every time. Stay and argue or detach and save sanity. For me and easy choice. Just a year ago walking away or detaching would have been hard because it was like I was not taking up for myself. No more. Now I know it is the right thing for me to do. If I do not walk away or detach in some form, and stay and listen to what she has to say, I look at her, listen, all the while I picture seeing the words "It's the disease" written on her forehead. I am not being funny I really do. It works for me. Or, I might say the four magic words "you might be right". That works. I am careful not to over use that phrase because it has stopped many discussions from leading to arguments or fights.
Bottom line,
Carving these tools out of the Al-Anon program enabled me to step off the roller coaster ride and stand on a smooth surface if you know what I mean. It works for me, that is taking care of myself. "Take care of yourself first" were the first words I remember hearing at my first Al-Anon meeting. I just did not realize how important they were at the time.
I am learning everyday how to take better care of myself. As I stated in my post above it just takes a while to swallow and digest the Al-Anon "pill". But I have always wondered why did they have to make them in a dang "time release" form? LOL
Nice ESH, RLC. I have done something similar to "It's the disease" on the forehead. I just remind myself over and over,"He is very sick, he is very sick, he is very sick". This is how I remind myself that he has a disease. Whatever he says or does that is irrational is just the disease. I do not have to take it personally. It is not about me. What the disease says is not fact. This helps me to detach, detach, detach.
I attend open AA meetings periodically. When a newcomer comes into an AA meeting they are usually not making a lot of sense. It really helps to use these same tools when listening to them in a meeting. It makes it easier for me to listen to my A loved ones later. Its like I got to practice on someone that was easier to detach from. I really think it is important for Alanoners to go to open AA meetings, not so much early on, but definately once they start to get a grip on the program.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
