The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met this guy in an online dating site. He's an alcoholic. He really likes me, I can tell. Every time I talk to him he's drunk or on his way there. I don't know if he knows he's an A or not and I keep him at a very long arm's length. He would be a great guy other than the drinking but as we all know, everything comes second to that. I suspected the first time I met him and I have had it verified many times over since then. He helped me with a problem that I couldn't resolve on my own last weekend and I find myself marveling in the idea that active A's are good for something despite the disease.
Sometimes I wonder to myself if I am doing him a disservice by not saying anything about his excessive drinking but then I think it's not my place. Eventually he will figure it out on his own when it's his time. I know that there is absolutely no future in a romantic relationship but I think we can be friends. I have no desire to fix him or change him or be with him in his current state which is amazing for me. I am just amazed that I am capable of accepting him where he is and understanding his strengths and weaknesses and doing nothing but going on about my own business. I never thought I could have a person in my life (friend or lover) who had a problem so extreme and be tolerant and not make it my problem or mission to help them.
On deciding what to do when the time comes that he tries to take it to the next level (assuming he's even capable of that) I sought out the advice of my 14 year old daughter. She said... Just tell him the truth. I can't be in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol problem but I'd like us to be friends... Wow the brilliance of it all and I was soooooo worried about hurting his feelings. How codependent of me. It's funny how simple it really is -
Why do you think that he doesn't know he is an A? I do believe that all A's know they are "different". They might not lable it as Aism themselves but they know.
When I was "dating" and active A last year, I never said a word about his disease. And I did not let it effect me. I had my boundries and he knew what they were. He knew he had a problem in the past but I don't think he understood that he still had the same issue.
But, eventually it all became same old same old and boring for me. He was sweet (for the most part) and helpful. He did have some good qualities. But the disease was so obvious to me. I guess cause he wasn't my husband or the father of my kids I was automatically one step removed from his disease. That and having been here for a few years.
So, go for it. A's need love too. And maybe it isn't a love connection but simply a good distraction and learning experience.
For me, every guy I date is a learning experience. In learning what I like, don't like, what is important and what isn't. My ideas of what is most important in a new guy have changed over the past year.
Good luck and if you aren't interested in him you can simply tell him that "I'm sorry. I am not interested" It might not be because he is an A. It maybe for some other reason ;)
Very cool isn't it, to be able to just accept people as they are the same way we would like to be accepted. And to remember that you cannot hurt HIS feelings. If they are hurt it is his reaction that allows that. We are only responsible for the part we can control, US. Our job is to say what we mean, mean what we say, and don't say it mean. That is really where our responsibility ends.
He may very well blow his stack when you tell him that his drinking is a big problem for you. Oh well. That is his perogative. Of course it will also let you know that it is a big problem and you may not even be able to remain friends, but thats the way life is sometimes.
How wonderful that your daughter has learned tha honesty is the right way to go. You are doing something right there.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have friends who are dysfunctional. I no longer try to fix them. I don't think there is anything wrong in that. I'm not willing anymore to even label it. I know for sure I am no longer willing to be in a "partnership" with an active alcoholic. What's run with having categories.
Personally I don't feel like anyone needs an explanation. What I say is that I'm in no place to have a relationship. I don't lay it on anyone that its on them. I put it on me.
I'm really clear that I'm not even willing to "go there" with pinpointing what's wrong with people. If I'm keeping my side of the street clean I'm not invested in what's wrong with them. I'm invested in me. So what's wrong with them isn't the issue, what's right with me is. If I'm boundaried, I am watching them day and night and making adjustments day and night.
I know for sure (after dealing with my roommates) the disease is progressive. If someone is progressing along at a rapid pace, I leave them alone at all costs. As I'm very very very busy this isn't an issue either because "Im busy" is well enough to answer anyone's claims on my time.
Out of the mouth of babes! I am amazed at the more time I spend with my 17 year old niece, the more I see the wisdom of her ways. She is fast becoming my best friend. I can't wait to see if that happens with her younger sister.
I too have decided that if and when I want another relationship, I do not want to be with someone who has an addiction problem. But I am so not ready for anything like that. I can't imagine being with someone other than my beloved Tim. Eventhough I know he would want me to find love again. One step at a time. I just need to heal, and that's what I'm doing.
Like you, thanks to this program, I can be friends with them. I think honesty is always the best policy especially when it comes to being friends. You know how to say what you mean without being mean. Give that brilliant daughter a hug for me. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
