The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am going to go out on a limb here and turn over the guilt i have in detaching. Had a fight with AH this morning and am currently obsessing. i believe God's will is to focus on the work in front of me.
I was over sensitive and mean and sent him an email apologizing for that. I was accused of arguing when i felt i was only stating my opinion - need to get to the point of listening without feeling triggered. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change...
Well yur post made me smile this morning , I just did the same thing and I been working on it for 20 yrs hehe . don't beat yourself up u already apologized let it go now and remember for next time cause there will always be a next time . Louise
Accusations are not facts. If you felt that you were sharing your feelings as you needed to without malice, then thais probably what you were doing as best you are able at this moment. You may want to ask yourself if you were sharing your feelings with someone who was not safe to share them with, though. A safe person to share feelings with does not accuse the sharer of malicious intent, but listens and accepts that that is how the sharer feels at this time and does not take it personally.(Think sharing with sponsor or in a meeting)
As I reread your post I see that you said opinion, not feelings, so more questions that I would ask myself...
Did I just state my opinion clearly one time, or did I continue to try to change the other persons mind?
Can I accept the other persons opinion as their own, though it may differ from mine?
Did I state my opinion with kindness? (say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean)
Did I state my opinion however kindly to somebody who is not capable of hearing/accepting my opinion? If so, was it worth the trouble? If not, could I call an Al-Anon contact next time to talk it over with instead?
These kinds of questions help me with my defect of always wanting others to agree with me, so I feel validated from outside myself. They help me learn to directmy thinking back to me and learn to trust myself to keep myself safe and healthy in my interactions with others.
Hope it helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Well I certainly never felt self regard and self preservation were an issue. Then I broke down. I was left with nothing.
I certainly have fallen down lots with my behavior. I notice that active a's do this a lot too. They are better at pointing the finger than being accountable.
Must be something in the air today - I had an argument with the AH today when he accused me of something I didn't do. I responded firmly and told him I didn't appreciate his accusations; to go find another victim. I didn't yell or shout - just stated the facts - then he tells me to calm down and get control of myself. Once again, it's my problem. I find it difficult to be civil - not sure that if I had applied the THINK concept it would have been different. Sometimes one just has to state their case!
i had some great success this week in not even responding to my aH's attention seeking behaviour and accusations. It was quite liberating to not even allow it to "own" me. I can relate to obsessing over unhealthy interactions with my aH and having it eat at me all day/night/week what have you, ruining my own serenity and negatively affecting all my interactions with all people. That is when the aH behaviour owned us both. This week, I was detached enough from him, that I could recognize it for what it was, A-behaviour, and just move along with my own day and peace.
Thanks for all the responses and support. I am currently in the middle of taking inventory, so i feel really vulnerable and highly sensitive. I obviously have many resentments. I feel tense, with an occasional lump in my throat and a big ball of pain in my gut. I am having trouble staying focused on anything much. Can anyone relate to this? How soon does this pass - I can't seem to remember. I am working the steps with a new AA sponsor the big book way - will this work the same way? I've never done the Alanon steps - how is it different?
