The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone, I have been lingering in the shadows here, reading posts and commenting when something hits home or I need to vent. I wanted to share with whoever is in a similar situation, that not only does the program work if you keep at it, but stopping the enabling behaviors really do help those we love. My ABF lived with me for about 2 1/2 yrs and over the summer, things came to a head and I had him leave ( I actually had to physically remove his things into storage but that is another story). Over the past 7 months we reunited once for a few weeks, but my boundries were crossed and we didn't speak or see each other for a few months after that. I kept up with my f2f meetings and reading literature and found alot of serenity in knowing that I could change the circumstances that I was uncomfortable with, and learned to accept the things I couldn't change. My relationship with my mom has changed for the better (thank you HP) and I saw how much my own behavior was making me miserable. Today I am a happier person because of al anon. My BF told me Friday that he finally had his "awakening" after looking at the state his life was in when he didn't have me to provide everything for him, and he didn't like it. I am not expecting anything from this, but it was good to know that he may be on the road to recovery for himself. As he told me "it had to happen on my own time line not yours". Wow, that was a big lightbulb for me. I had orchestrated everything right down to how much time I thought he needed to get sober. I don't do that to people anymore and it is refreshing. I don't worry about anyone else anymore or what they should or shouldn't be doing and that is where I get my serenity. I don't enable and I feel free. Thanks for letting me share.
Right now I feel like I could win the award for the worlds biggest enabler. My husband and I, together for 20/married 10, have been seperated for over 6 months, we have 2 kids. I left because of the drinking, joined Al Anon and found hope. Decided I could love him and wanted him to realize that. 2 months after I left his brother died suddenly, alcohol and drug related, he had a wife and 2 kids. I always thought they had it so good, and after talking to his wife I find out that they had the same issues going on. I thought maybe this is it, maybe he'll see the light now. WRONG...He won't LET me back in the house and blames me for everything. Says he doesn't want me back, says he has issues and he is messed up but will not mention drinking (I keeping thinking he might be getting it). This week he said he doesn't miss me but then he calls me upset about his problems looking for support and a friend. This week I finally told him that I need to distance myself from him so that I can get over him. I'm too emotionally attached to a man who says he doesn't want me around. The kids and I have been living with my mom out of 1 closet and I don't have anything from the house. There he sits in the comfort of our home with EVERYTHING. Talk about giving until it hurts. He doesn't even appreciate it, he thinks he deserves it! I feel so bad for him because of his loss and I'm waiting for him to reach is bottom but I know I can't put my life on hold anymore. I have to move forward and get on with my life. Then he will have lost a brother and a wife. I need my OWN home again. Maybe some day he'll come around....maybe not. If I really love him I need to let him be responsible for his own life. But you are right stopping the enabling is soooo hard.
