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i had an interesting conversation with someone in e-mail from alanon ..
after i posted my last topic, My daughter's dad is going to prison .. i felt uncomfortable .. the reason i think is because i pretty much just announced his inventory to the whole room .. it would of been better if i put a different subject in i think ..
one of the things we talked about was there being more to a person than just their disease .. so many times i fail to see the value of the alcoholic or addict as a person .. sometimes i see through the resentments and if resentments are influencing my thinking, my perception is not clear .. i think there's even an alanon reading on this somewhere in courage to change ...
what we talked about too was interesting because i realized that Everytime preprogram, i would tell whoever would listen, i would make him only about his disease .. In these rooms, when i tell someone something, my motive is different .. in the past, it was to talk about the situation because i think i was really in victim mode.. look what he did to " me .. my telling people wasn't because i cared about the two of us or was trying to find a solution or even clear my own thinking, etc.. it was because i was straight up mad and looking for backup .. at any rate, it wasn't healthy .. today when i share in here, my motive really is to try to reason things through with others to gain insight into the awareness on how to better handle certain situations ..
part of this is really almost like a public amends to my A as well because .. yes, he is going to prison but it's not because of me, it's because he is an addict and ended up getting himself into trouble .. one, it's an addiction, and two, it's a disease in thinking .. and 3 he doesn't know a better way .. i do have fears in that my youngest daughter loves her dad and i know that her dad loves her .. what i'm really afraid of is me being the one again to pick up the pieces even though he's been clean for close to two years .. as far as i honestly know, he was never around when he was active .. my part, however, was that i kept coming back to the chaos instead of the sanity of this program .. over the last two years, my own boundaries have improved and i made a deal with myself to change my own behavior .. he began working AA and picked up a great and matched sponsor who truly seemed to be helping him .. today, however, i worry about her emotionally and wonder how to work through her acceptance of his being gone again .. he wasn't with us on a full time basis but he was here to visit us and on fridays the two of us would go to meetings.. me alanon, him AA .. then coffee afterwards ..
i haven't told her about her dad going to prison and i don't plan to because of my fears and concerns of her bringing it to school, etc.. i hate the secrets however and just have no idea what to do .. but i do have my hp and others who are willing to share experience strength and hope .
as for him, he will get a year and one day, but in the meantime this is also a Real opportunity for me to grow stronger through my own recovery ..
if anyone has any insight into this situation or experience, please do share ..
next time i will think twice in how i label a subject line .. there's no need to announce to the room his inventory .. thanks for being here ..
I can really relate to how you feel but I've been told to be gentler with myself or even to put the stick down. This program is a process and somedays I can do things better than others. Somedays I am back to reacting and circular thinking so I post all my confusion or anger/resentmant to get it out of my head. The replies always help me to refocus back to the new tools I am practicing and learning and relearning.
You have had a lot thrown at you recently and you have figured out many things that will work better for you now or a next time. That is super progress. Keep working it and remember to count all the good things you are doing too - I see lots of positives. You sound strong re this real opportunity to grow stronger in your own recovery.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I think it is safe to say that when the majority of us enter these rooms for the first time, we are not coming to sing the praises of the As in our life. We are hurting, we feel lost, we are angry, we are shocked, and often in utter despair. To scream out why we are here and finally have the freedom to express ourselves is liberating, to say the least. Then, to get the Experience, Strength and Hope from those who have gone before us, well, that is where the healing begins....
I know the secret thing well and the mama bear stance to protect our children. I "made" my children hold the secrets of their dad moving out as well as his addictions. Their counselor told me it was a "bad idea", and it took me a while to accept that she was right. The truth is, they weren't proud of the information and did not want to it shout it out to the world, but needed the relief and healing that came from finally able to share with their friends who were in similar situations. In my situation, this was particularly necessary since I was so engulfed in my own pain and not as emotionally available as I should have been.
You didn't say how old your daughter was. If your other children know, it may difficult and unfair to expect them to keep the secret from her. You certainly don't want her to feel he is abandoning her by choice. It is so difficult to know what the right thing to do is, I know. A year and a day may be a long time to stay mum, especially with all the details that go with the process. Keeping a secret sounds easy, but the details of life can make it very complicated at times. Give yourself some time to get used to the idea and figure out what the process involves. Yes, it will be a great time for you to embrace your recovery and it is great that you can see it that way!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
thanks dubb and lou .. both are good reminders for me . the beating up as well, in fact i just shared in a meeting how hard i have been on myself for thinking, reacting, being the way i am .. embracing the negatives more so than the positives .. i learned to self harm .. and the insanity is thinking i was supposed to turn out different .. just a mere acknowledgement of learning to punish myself because this is what the a's did .. not to blame them because i want to take back my power from them and not leave it in their hands anymore ..
i do see it finally as a good opportunity lou, for this i'm grateful .. my daughter is only 5 though .. it's not like she can reason things through with 5 year olds so what do i do is the question .. i've been making excuses for him and saying he's been having his legs taken care of for the time he spent waiting to hear .. he spent about 2 months in a halfway house before they decided to release him .. he is plenty old enough to know better but then addiction doesn't have an age limit .. he's near 40 years old ..
i'm so fearful of her bringing this to her friends at school and having their mothers fear their children being around her or something .. or her feeling different because her own daddy doesn't just go to work, come home, and go on family gatherings, etc.. or spend time with us as a normal, healthy family ..
not sure what the answers are and i'm 5 years in the program but you are a good reminder to me that in these rooms, if i shout it out on occasion what the problem is, it's ok .. i'm in a safe place where generally the majority of persons understand this better than perhaps few others can ..
thanks to you both for being here for me today.. i appreciate you both taking the time to respond .. hope
i felt uncomfortable .. the reason i think is because i pretty much just announced his inventory to the whole room .. it would of been better if i put a different subject in i think ..