The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been harboring anger and bitterness most of my life. My relatives, primarily three had inappropriate sexual contact with me. With one of these individuals it went on from approx. 8-16 years of age. My mother did not know about it at the time, however when I was in my late 20's and started to try to understand why I had so much trouble with relationships it began to come out. She felt bad to the degree she could but never could confront her sister (the mother of the cousin) or the cousin. It began to become the elephant in the room. My mom's family is very large and very tight and very sick...a raging alcoholic Father (my Grandfather) was their problem and they are all dry drunks. Anyway, to keep it short, I have always felt second to my mother's family...she wants me to attend all of the family events and I have chosen not to go. It is sooo painful to be essentially told to keep the secret get over it and move on. I have a son and don't want him to be exposed to this highly controlling, judgmental family and yet then we are left without any relatives. Frankly this is probably fine...my mother is only available on a very limited basis if she isn't caring for one of her siblings...she is 80 and has consistently been the caregiver of most of her siblings... So, I feel guilty for not attending family events, frustrated that I still am so resentful and have tried several times to heal. Counseling, Conferences, Spritual Conversion, Sponsors, Meetings, Readings, Confessions and I still feel like I am not making any progress...and I am taking it out to a limited degree with whomever is closest to me...ie my son. I desperately want to heal...I fight, try to battle my mind and yet I feel defeated often times. Can I just say, move on, and stop focusing on this and turn my energies to gratitude. Love my mother as best as I can, pray for a family created from friends and stay away from the big family gatherings with the elephant in the room? There is hope and I know through this program I can and will heal!
Yes, I believe there is hope too. I, too, am struggling with forgiveness, and the pain now is so great that I feel I have no choice but to begin to heal. However, it iis getting from here to there that seems like such an insurmountable task.
A couple of months ago I borrowed a book from the church library where my al-anon meeting is held. I started reading it on Wed night after a long hideous session with my ah and our attorneys. I actually forgot I had it until my attorney said to me in our parting, "you now need to let go of the guilt and forgive yourself." The book, which is not al-anon approved, but I am thinking should be, is called "Forgiveness - How To Make Peace With Your Past And Get On With Your Life by Dr. Sidney Simon and Suzanne Simon. Good stuff. It doesn't discuss forgiveness as a decision like I have so often heard, but as a process that takes some work. And, it is not only about forgiving others, but ourselves as well. That makes sense to me. Addiction/alcoholism and sexual abuse are among the subjects addressed.
I am glad you are here. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You have the courage and tennacity and awareness. You can do anything different you want to get different results. The guilt, shame, anger, rage, ie...all the negative emotions are temporary as you take this program only one day at a time. It didn't take you overnight to get here (or there) and it won't be overnight that you get out.
I've been around for a while and working this program of recovery will become more second nature over time as you get to what works for you. Yes I had to learn how to forgive and then practice, practice, practice. I am trying a different routine with it now because after all the old reasons I had for anger and rage left I went out and found new ones...LOL. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God" is what a recovering sister taught me years ago sooooo the work today is not with them but with my HP. Humility is good...its "being teachable" to me today and the consequence for being teachable for me today is I get to be different...better. I can do with better.
Beside forgiveness I get to set boundaries that were not in place before the anger and rage started. LOL I set one with my family of orgin tonight. I have absolutely no expectations of them only myself. I will stay with the boundary. I will not participate any longer...just for me.
You didn't Cause it. You won't Control it. You won't Cure it...only yourself. Wonder who's side your HP is on?
A very wise person told me yrs ago that I didn't have to forgive ,only had to let it go so it stopped running my life and I could move on . Your boundaries are good , why infict more pain . and over all i do hope u know that you were not responsible for the abuse that u described in your post . Al-Anon will get u to where u need to be , let God and this program lead u to be the person u want to be . Louise
for me, i grew up in the Church with the message that if i didn't forgive others, i was more or less going to the bad place below .. this was the Perception i had come to believe.. it was black and white .. it was told me by others with this understanding of forgiveness .. they weren't bad people, they just missed the image of true love in their higher powers..
in alanon, what i learned is that forgiveness is truly for me .. if i hold on to grudges they are held bound in me .. i'm choosing to ' carry this with me and it prevents my own recovery .. because instead of ' taking back my power, i leave it with them ..
whether i forgive or don't forgive truly doesn't effect the others .. it will not stop their days from moving on and it will not make it harder for them to get out of bed in the morning ..
when i learned to start focusing on me Only, this is where i made the real progress.. in my esh only .. i remember the day my sponsor cut me short .. she had listened to me tell her what happened repeatedly for literally months .. then through one very powerful conversation she said Stop .. enough .. from now on .. you can tell me only how the situation affects you .. what's going on in your thinking, etc.. focus on being honest about you .. what is it stopping me from doing, how is it holding me down, etc.. from that day on as hard as it was to hear, i was able to focus more on me .. this was the true turning point in my own recovery ..
i do know that there are 12 steps for a reason .. we need to work them in order with another and only in this way can we reach the place of letting go .. working the steps with another whose reached a spiritual awakening Prepares us to become entirely ready ... the 4th and 5th step are a foundation for working toward forgiveness .. when i did my 5th, it was the first time i had shared with anyone outside of confession and it was very powerful ..
i wish you much serenity in this .. if one sponsor isn't getting us to where we need to be, it's also ok to look on and sometimes when we think it's us making this choice, it's really the guidance of our higher power .. not giving advice just sharing my own esh in understanding ..
i love the word guidance because broken apart it stands for ..
God U & I Dance ..
i will say the one thing i learned in the church is that the church is missing the 12 steps .. the two go Hand in Hand .. ithere is also alcoholism in the church .. it's the thinking disease not the drinking disease that affects us .. in my experience, i was always told what i needed to do but never told how to do this .. the steps put the perception into its proper place ..
i didn't even know the word amends meant to make a change .. forgivessness begins in this program already because it's a process of changing ourselves .. We have Already begun this process of forgiveness without realizing it because it's a Natural process .. the more we honestly share on us only .. how we're affected, the awareness comes to us .. not only of ourselves but of others as well .. understanding others helps us to forgive them .. when we sit in face to face, we hear the voices of our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and at times if honest, our abusers .. it's all about how willing we are to go to any lengths to get our recovery .. honesty is what leads us to new understanding .. focusing on us .. not the alcoholic .. that will delay our own recovery process ..
-- Edited by hope for me n you at 11:23, 2009-01-10
I understand that very old deep rage and the massive confusion and sabotage it creates in our lives.
I was abused as a child in so many different ways I pretty much lost count! LOL!
I am not going to go into that because its behind me now. I am not that child but that child lives in me and I now care for her very very carefully. She is very wise and I protect her. She knows things and can sense things I could never understand. I need her and she needs me.
She is so valuable to me and I am so valuable to her. Be the warm loving adult to that small child and Hold her and Protect her and keep her very close. Enter into a dialogue with her and find out all you can about her.
This was very helpful for me. Take care and you might want to find a great therapist. That helped me a lot, too. Hugs, J.
Thanks for your second response to your responses. Often times I need to listen longer to get more of the message and in your second response I felt that we were twins considering your experiences, influences and your awarenesses. I find it verified by listening to other recovering family members that coming here, staying here and continuing the work was what my HP had planned long before I was out of knee pants.
I have struggled with forgiveness all my life. Still don't understand it. I have faced a similar situation in my family. Big family; lots of denial. In treatment I was told that sometimes your family or origin is not safe. You have to find a new family to support you. I have tried to be up front with my family. Sometimes I go to functions and sometimes I don't. I look for support in other places.
