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It all happened about 12 years ago when i was 11yrs old and my mum had twin girls with her parnter at the time, Mark. She suffered postnatal depression but my family have a moto of not showing you are weak and therefore she never got help for it. Around this time she and Mark began drinking quite heavily at night (always wine - never spirts) and not in the day time. This lead to some quite nasty domestic vioence which was from both my mum and Mark. I took the lead as the 'protector' for my three youngest sisters and it went on for about 9 years.
One night after another argument i had had enough so i drove my mum to her parents drunk and told them i could not cope anymore. The next day obviously my mum said it was all mark and she drank because he used to beat her up (even though it was usually started by her) and long story short we moved house and not seen him since.
My mum has never had many friends and comes from a wealthy snobbish family who cover up any problems. She was very lonely, despite having 4 girls and soon met a man whom she moved into the new home within a month (before we had met properly with him).
Forgot to say she was STILL drinking at least 2 bottles per night and was now taking out her anger on us girls by calling us the most horrible names - but of course we all covered it up.
Since this time she and her new partner have been drinking more an more (approx 4-5 bottles per night) and sometimes more ending in her falling asleep with lit ciggarettes in her mouth, foaming at the mouth, unable to wake up at all and not remembering a thing in the morning. Although i have moved out, as could not stand the name calling anymore, my two sisters who are 12 still live there and i regularly have them coming to stay with me for periods of time. Although they are safe as they have me and my other sister i am seriously worried about my mums health - let alone the danger she puts herself in.
In the day time she is lovely and i love her so much but also hate what she is doing at the same time!!!!!
she does not believe she has a problem as "everyone drinks at night, she doesnt drink that much, i am boring and stupid etc....." it has now got to the stage where she wont let me in the house
What a brave young woman you are. Those ((((((((( ))))))))))))), by the way, those are what we use to show hugs here online.
The sad reality is that the way your mum is acting is normal for those with alcoholism. It's a progressive disease, meaning it gets worse over time, and you've described just that. It does tend to run in families, as well - something to keep in the back of your mind.
One of the most basic premises of alanon is the "3 Cs" - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. It's heartbreaking to watch the people we love destroy themselves - and yet the ONLY chance of their breaking out of it is for THEM to ask for help.
I believe the very best thing you can do both for you and your young sisters, and possibly for your mum as well, is to get yourself to some alanon meetings in your area. If you absolutely can't do f2f (face to face), there are online meetings too - these are much much better than nothing, yet not as poweful as f2f.
There are some great podcasts, including one about attending your first meeting, at al-anon.alateen.org
The site for alanon in the uk is http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ There's a link for finding meetings at the left of the page.
I know it seems insane to say that you going to meetings could help your mum, but I know it's true because I've heard it many many times both here online and in f2f meetings. Sometimes - not always - our alcoholic loved one will see our recovery and decide they want it too. And if you work the program honestly, YOU will feel better, and your example will show your young sisters that there is another way.
When we attend face to face meetings, we read in the beginning that our group purpose is to help families of alcoholics ... When we read this, this means helping one person can help an entire family ..
When we commit to working the steps, we show them real change is possible and bring hope to others ..
One of the things I can say as in Step 1 .. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable .. one of the things i learned on this step is that when i first attended meetings, i didn't really know how i was effected.. we come to learn alcoholism is a thinking disease and this is how it effects an Entire families thinking .. It is a merry go round of denial and insanity .. when i came to see how i was effected, i was able to change some things for the better in me ..
believe it or not, it is possible to find happiness whether your mum is drinking or not .. for the younger sister, i would Definitely look into alateen if she feels she is too young for alanon .. There she will find friends her own age and a call list for when things get hard..
as for your mother, it's learned behavior .. it's what she knows and those messages she has been raised with regarding help being weak are too hard to change because as in step 2 . came to believe, she has come to believe them .. therefore, it's hard to convince her otherwise .. yet we can come to the meetings to begin to believe hope is not only possible it is a guarantee ..
the best way to help others is to help ourselves .. even we when we first begin meetings, look outward instead of inward .. for me i had to give myself permission to get help before my mother .. and tell myself it wasn't betrayal because i began to receive all the gifts of the program i was able to give them to others ..
i wish you luck in this .. remember to take care of you .. much serenity, hope .. i guarantee you as in the big AA promises you will receive help and strength to deal with things .. our perception changes and this has a large affect on others as well .. take care !
well the only person u can control is u....tho i have trouble accpeting that fact. idk how old u are but u sound older like me; i'm gonna be 22 in a month. I'm also on the alateen board. I also go into the alanon and alateen chat rooms too. i try to attend meetings online but do not always succeed, unfortunately. i've been to about 3 face-to-face (f2f) meetings and they have helped me too.
You are stronger than you think you are! You've proven that by being on this board! With each post you make you become that much stronger! You also need to take care of number one - YOU! Do NOT bottle your emotions inside b/c all that does is harm you emotionally and physically. Let your emotions out in a SAFE way! You are the only person you can control as hard as that is to accept it is TRUE!
As friend once told me and advised me to say in front of a mirror as often as i could....
"I am a survivor. I am NOT a victim. I am NOT responsible for my parents' actions."
