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Where do I even begin... My older brother is 50 years old, married with two young children and an alcoholic. My parents have always bailed him out of any trouble that he got into. The last five years have been the worst. Every few months he would call my Mom and beg (con) her out of money. My parents are well off, so it's never been a hardship to give him all he asked for. My mom's last tally added up to $120,000 (over the course of 4 1/2 years)...and that's not even a complete tally. Even with all this help, he still lost his house to foreclosure and was forced to move. My mom's one big stand was that she offered to buy his house if he would agree to go into rehab...he refused. Instead he moved to a state far away where his wife's family lives. Of course he claimed that he would be unable to get a house with his bad credit, so he talked my Mom into paying an entire years rent. I'm not sure of the entire amount that my Mom has sent him over the last year, but I do know she has sent him $7,000 in Dec and paid all his utilities in the beginning of Nov...and remember his rent is already paid for. Is everyone completely disgusted yet??? Well, the day of reckoning has come. Due to severe illness, my parents are not able to help him out anymore. He's now turned to me and my other siblings to help him out. He's asked me to go to our parents to ask them to help him out. He claims (correctly) that his legs are so bad he can't stand on them (probably from alcoholism). He claims that his wife is horrible and cheating on him. He claims that her family will put her and the kids up but not him. Then he tells me that he and the kids will be homeless if my Dad doesn't send him enough for 2-3 months rent. I told him "NO". I know that if I went to my parents, they would give it to him...I've just never agreed with the way they give in to him all the time. I feel like this could really be the end of him. I really don't feel to guilty about saying no to him, I'm just not sure what would happened if he died some horrible death in a gutter somewhere. How will I feel then? Maybe my parents will blame me. Thanks to anyone who has made it through this long and horrible story. I'm just not sure what to do. At this point intervention is out of the question. We've got our hands full taking care of our parents. I thought of sending him an email letting him know that rehab will always be on the table and that his kids are always welcome at my home. I know this will push him farther away and he'll only attack me and tell me he's not an alcoholic. I have two other brothers. One thinks we should help him and the other agrees with me...no help. I would love to hear any and all opinions or ideas. Thanks.
Julie, Welcome, you came to the right place and I feel sure you will get lots of feed back from your post. Your AB has no reason to go to rehab, because he does not have a problem, he told you so. A's are always three steps ahead of us, but you already knew that. Your brother has probably proved that to you over and over again. (LOL) It also sounds like it had become so easy for him, a real gravy train. The train has come to a stop and you are the one that has to decide to continue enabling him or not.
In my experience, plus all I have read, I have never heard of a situation with an A that improved by continuing to enable. In Al-Anon we learn that it is best to allow that person the dignity to make their own mistakes without any interference from us. That is detachment with love. We use the three C's in Al-Anon. You did not cause his disease of alcoholism, you can control it, and you can't cure it.
Accepting the C's first, the next step for you might be to try something different. I would suggest face to face Al-Anon meeting in your community. Go to as many meetings as you can. You will find the help there that you need from people who are dealing or have deal with the problems alcohol causes in our lives. Al-Anon is for people whose lives have been affected by the disease of Alcoholism, you definitely fall into that category. Check your local white pages for times and meeting places. At the meeting you will be able to obtain free literature on the disease of alcoholism. Read everything you can on the subject.
Al-Anon is about taking care of you and that is exactly what you can do by getting to f2f meetings and keep coming back to MIP and posting. We are glad you are here.
Hello Higly ,there is no reason for your brother to change as long as everyone is going to keep bailing him out of trouble. were enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themslves nothing will ever change . You are not responsible for him or his debts - I personally feel u did the right thing , saying no is nt easy as they will come up with the most heart renching stories to g et what they need , most times thier lies . If your not attending al anon f2f I hope u will consider doing so in the near future , u need support from people who understand exactly what your dealing with and will share thier own experiences with you . learn what u can about this disease and our part in it , Until he is allowed to face the concequences of his own behavior nothing will change except it will get worse . good luck Louise
Yes, after bailing out two brothers, I can honestly say, unless you stop fixing, directing and controlling, not much will change for YOU. I have put my situation in HPs hands. I now enjoy a good relationship with one of my A brothers but realise the consequences of my actions should I enable. I'm honest with him, when he brings up his health issues, I agree with him that yes drink will possibly kill him. Unfortunately your brother is very ill, and just as if he had cancer or anything like this, you would not willingly do anything to harm him. I think your balanced attitude in saying his children are alway welcome is great, and very loving given the situation and what more can you do, you didn't cause, you didn't control, and you can't cure it. It took me a long time to get past my anger and realisation that yes, the worst could happen here with such a severe illness. I found it hard to face reality with it. I will say a prayer for you and keep posting.
I know someone who I grew up with that developed a severe leg issue from alcoholism.
For me personally the issue of bailing anyone out has long gone. I did that for years. I also know no one did it for me.
Many of us with codependency issues have boundary issues. No is a hard one for us. Do we need to hear all the details, I think not.
I know for me my people pleasing was huge and my need to over involve myself in other was also huge. Letting go is tremendously difficult. For me its not enough to just say no, its essential for me not to be involved unless I have some kind of reciprocal, modicum of health relationship going.
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful responses. I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing by not caving in to him. It's impowering to be reassured by the members of this board. Twenty years ago I was an active member of Al-Anon. My first husband was an addict/alcoholic. I stayed with him through two bouts of rehab and finally realized he would never clean up...so we divorced. This was the best thing for my two little girls (who are now grown women). My ex never completely cleaned up, but he has managed to be a functional alcoholic. I can't say that I'm happy to be back in this situation, but I do think that my being involved with Al-Anon back then has helped me with my brother today. Thanks for your support. God Bless
