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Just having an "off" day and don't know why. I would imagine it could be readjusting/withdrawing from meds, and that I can cope with. But I think it is more about projecting today and thinking about the ex. I was thinking back to 3 mths ago and how crappy I felt most of the time, and then to a month 1/2 ago and how I started feeling better and taking back some control and then to today and how much better I am doing now, more focused on me, more into my program and the steps, and trying with everything I have to let go and Let God and give the ex the space he needs for himself. But I keep thinking if I have moved on this much in my life in the past 3 mths, he has too no doubt, and I know he thinks that by doing it on our own we are going to find our way back together, the right way in the right time, and I do really agree with that, but today there is a part of me that says that all the time passing while we are apart is going to hurt us in the long run. He called last night and I didn't get to talk to him..........a month ago I would have been devastated and over the top about that, wanting soooo bad to talk to him.....last night was different.......I was ok about it, not over the top, not upset, just like "whatever". I guess maybe what is freaking me out or upsetting me is that I am not freaked out or upset about it.......I'm not freaking out or obsessing or trying to hold onto him with everything I have anymore, my fight is gone.......so I guess I'm upset because I'm not upset.......Does that make ANY sense to anyone else?????????? I hope so cause now I really might just be loosing it:) WHAT is wrong with me???
-- Edited by shellyj123 at 18:54, 2009-01-07
-- Edited by debilyn at 21:59, 2009-01-07
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Impressive. I know I was incredibly dependent on the ex A. I have now not spoken to him for over a year. I find it a huge relief. I also find it agonizing that I have not moved on further.
shellyj123, I have been there in a different situation. I used to worry because I was not worrying about my AW. I was working the program but felt guilty. I kept asking myself "do I not give a darn about my AW anymore?" I questioned myself. After a few weeks it dawned on me there was no reason to beat myself up. Old habits are hard to break, and everyday it got a little better. Now I no longer feel guilty about not feeling guilty if that makes any sense.
As you said, you are not freaking out, obsessing, or trying to hold on with everything you have anymore. You asked are you losing it. The answer is no. It is only the program kicking in, and like me you just haven't realized it yet. You will, and you will be better. It will get easier and easier. It will become a habit. And that my girl "shellyj123" will be a habit you "will not" want to break.
Changing is confusing much of the time. You are moving away from how it use to be and toward ???. I remember those days myself and your rant reminds me of my own. It's okay...rant!! Tantrum!! and then go back to the recovery you have been making. It's almost like scratching at a place that use to itch just by habit. The itch is gone or going but you still think you have to scratch. Now is the time that instead of scratching you go do something brand new and feel not use to it...Completely normal but not fun. Welcome to the journey without the alcoholic. Meetings, sponsor working the program and helping others to get in and get going helps the process. You might want to ask your sponsor okay what next?
Ok well... You are not losing it, you are getting it... That is what you came here for and you are getting what you need to take care of YOU... That is a good thing... Don't worry about what if, or when if... If its meant to be it will be and you will be stronger in any case... Its OK to let go, and its OK that you don't get it yet, because honey... You are getting it... your doing the steps and making you a better person and if down the road he doesn't find that impressive, then maybe he isn't the one, those are all future things, and welp... We are living in the NOW, not the what if... So hold your head up, and hang in there, you'll go far...
(((((Shelly)))))
Missing Out
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
