The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a long time since I have been on MIP. Here is a quick summary:
I have been married for 10 years to my AH. He went to rehab in '05, relapsed immediately upon return. Finally started taking AA seriously in '08, would be sober for 30 days, drink for 30 days... Then he achieved 72 days of sobriety only to drink again. I finally had enough and asked him to move out. He was devastated and taken completely by surprise even though I have repeatedly told him that one day I would reach my breaking point. He moved out on 12/26. Life since he left has been a joy. I am sleeping like crazy, not walking on eggshells, having fun, not worrying. He keeps asking me when he can come home and I tell him that I don't think I can ever live with an alcoholic again, sober or not. He doesn't seem to get it.
In my state I have to be separated for 1-year to file for divorce. I am counting the days. I stuck by him for 10 years and tried to do what I could to help him find sobriety only to realize that I was keeping him from success simply due to my presence. Now he has the chance to learn to live a normal life, and I can get on with mine. I know I couldn't have done this any sooner than I did, so I have no regrets, but I finally found serenity.
Thanks for reading and I will check in from time to time.
So glad to hear from you. What a Christmas present... Freedom. Sounds like you are feeling pretty good about your decision and you don't have a lot of resentment. Good to hear from you!
For me personally the separation from the A was just one part. Then there was the hard work of rebuilding myself. Like you I kept up contact with the A for a while. I had things to sort out. Eventually there was nothing left to say so I stopped answering the phone.
I don't know if your A is sober or not but its early days regardless. Toby Rice Drew who is the author of Getting them Sober recommends a long separation if that is possible in the early days so that the A can get their bearings. I'm not sure that a recovering A has a "normal" life but certainly they can have a fulfilling one if they so choose. For me normal is far far far from the horizon but every day I get up and do what I have to do to move to another place of not being decimated by the A's actions.
I know that heavenly feeling: sleeping well, NOT walking on eggshells, etc.
In the end, I had to say that to my exAH, too- NO, I CANNOT LIVE WITH YOU. EVER.
And I could not and it felt so darn good to just say my truth. I got my life back. I got my sleep back. I got my space back. Oh thank god almighty I am free at last! And that was a couple of years ago.
Today I thank HP every morning for this freedom and serenity. I do get very lonely and sometimes long for someone to share my life with but in reality, I am pretty darn good as is!!! Hugs, J.
Ah yes... I too remember the relief I felt when I left my AH. I was also completely terrified at the time. Those feelings soon passed but the relief has remained with me ever since!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
