The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father died about 4 months ago and even though he was sick for a long time, he was the one that held our family together...especially my alcoholic mother. She has been doing relatively well but was in a drunken stupor for the week of Christmas. I don't live in the same city so when I left, I was very saddened by her state. My codependent ways with her have gotten bad since my Dad died.
But my dilemma is...my brother lives in the same town as my mom and deals with her more on a daily level than I do (although I deal with her emotionally far more). Him and my mother have a shaky relationship...basically my brother just tolerates her and has a lot of anger towards her. Their relationship is kind of a mess. They get into fights (more now that my dad is gone) and just had one recently. It usually has to do with my mom being too drunk and saying or doing something inappropriate. It's hard for me to not try to fix it and get involved but I really don't want to. But I feel a huge sense of guilt if I don't. So my question is...is it okay for me to not get involved in their drama or is there some sort of obligation I have to support my brother while he is the one actively 'dealing' with our alcoholic mother? I guess I feel bad if I just let things fester in my family while I go about my life, hundreds of miles away. My fear is that they will have a falling out and our family will be disconnected even more after my dad died. I've always been the caretaker in the family- the one who tries to make things right. It's exhausting. I don't want to do it anymore but I guess I still feel that if I don't, things will get really bad.
We all support each other in this recovery family as each in our own way deal with the disease of alcoholism. You cannot fix or make it right. As long as she drinks compulsively and your brother chooses to react to it it will continue to get worse. We fix ourselves and help others to do the same. As a grateful member of the World wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups I have been freely given the Experiences Strengths and hope of thousands who have come before me. It was the members of Al-Anon who were there with the literature, meetings, steps, traditions slogans and philosoply of recovery that gave me my life back as a child of the disease and the exspouse of addicted women.
I no longer try to fix. I lend my support knowing how cunning, powerful and baffling this disease is and I lend it without conditions. When I know that my support will not be helpful I stay available. I don't put my own life on hold for others who choose to stay sick and in the insanity of the disease of addiction. If nothing comes from my support I no longer get resentful and try harder. I let go and let God and then get going.
I suggest you get as much information about the disease of alcoholism as you can and read it all. So much of it can be found at Al-Anon meetings in your area. It's hard not to find a meeting since the program is in most countries on this planet.
Keep coming back....we give (((((hugs))))) all the time. They help.
This is a total and complete carbon copy of my own dysfunctional family.
Its called TRIANGULATION and I would strongly suggest you let them have the relationship that they need to have in order to get to some kind of resolution (or not).
My sister and my mom (who live nearby each other and I am far away) came to some peace when I stopped trying to help. We cannot help. They are adults and need to work it out for themselves. We need to love and respect them enough and believe in their dignity to work it through.
Been there, done that- step back my friend- in love. hugs, J.
Lola... Well my story is a little differant, my father was the A... and I lost him this past Thanksgiving, with him the more I tryed to jump in and save him the more he resisted. When I excepted his way of life and let him choose his own path, he and I got along ALOT better, I now have a brother that is also an A and struggles on a daily basis, as soon as one thing goes wrong, he is right back in the bottle without bat'n an eye.. Since the lessons that I learned with my father, with my brother i have attemped to have a better relationship with him, simple by saying something nice to him everytime I see him... He is responding well, something he and I was never good at since we were kids... Because I was so Hell bent on making him see the light, and being the big sister, he just thru me to the side and forgot about me... I was ok with that till I lost my father, and now I see.. I have to first take care of me, and then save enough love to show support for him as well...
If you and your brother are close, maybe you could turn him on to your new Al-anon family and he too could learn better ways to deal with your mom, and then you both might find some kind of escape from the drama of it all...
((((LOLA))))
MIssing Out...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
