Detached but Supportive - How can you be both? - Al-Anon Family Group

luvinmom · Veteran Member

Detached but Supportive - How can you be both?

missing out · Senior Member

Luvinmom....
Your son sounds alot like my brother... alot.... My mother had to move in with someone else in order to get my brother out of her house, becasue she did not have the heart to tell him to just get out... My mother is a wonderful person, but he was the baby, and she could never get over the fact that "HE" never grew up with our father, becasue they were divorced when he was 3... Well for that, he now is 29 years old and has NO CLUE to what "Responsibility really is" And now he has two small children...
I too would get on line, check his court dates, call him a couple days before and "Remind him" when they were, and he would assure me that he was going to get to them... Well he assured me 6 times, and got picked up for failer to appear 6 times.... So now, I know longer except his calls from prison, I know longer remind him of his court dates, I let him worry about them while I worry about me... And honestly.. Now that HE KNOWS it is on him, and i got our mother to back off as well and make some ground rules, he seems to be holding it together somewhat better, of course we will have to see if he makes his court date in March, but again... That is on him, he knows what happens if he don't go, he's been there many times...
So just go it one day at at time and hand it over to your HP... ... It worked for me so far... And maybe someday... He will suprise you in a good way....

Wishing you luck and sending you prayers....

Missing out...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Luvinmom!!

The title of this post is the essence of Detatchment for me. Being
supportive for me doesn't mean having nothing to do for my life
or giving up my life to wait hand and foot and heart for the alcoholic
or addict. It means having a life of my own to really live and being
aware and considerate of the other lives around me including my alcoholic.

It was okay for me to ask her how she was doing as long as I watched
my motive for doing so. When I asked it was because I was truely
interested in her as I was others and myself and not to look for a door
that I could weedle my way back into her affairs or "make suggestions"
on how to straighten some "concern" out. I learned how to listen, make
an appropriate response and then go on about my own affairs.

Detached but (or and) supportive...sounds good to me!! (((((hugs))))) smile

ur learnin

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me personally the level of detachment I have is about how loaded something is for me. The more loaded, the more detached I have to be. For me personally its also about how long does it take for me to process certain things. If I deal with certain people and it takes me a few days to process it I have to look at how much effort I can put into that.

I don't know that there is a "should" in detachment. I know for me personally I constantly have to look at lots of issues, people pleasing being one. I have very very limited resources right now so I offer very little. I feel that is much more honest than offering to help someone when I don't have the resources to do it.

Maresie.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its really a case-by-case thing for me.

There are times I ask and there I times I do not.

There are times I feel like I am strong and aware and times I am wavering or not feeling so strong. Yes, Jerry is right, its about what your motivation is and how good you are at being really ruthlessly honest with yourself and have enough time under your belt knowing yourself well and watching yourself.

I know when I should not be reaching out.

I know when its OK to reach out.

I am suspicious of myself when I feel like I absolutely MUST REACH OUT to someone! LOL!!

Can you see what those three differences are by what I have written? And there are more, not just those three. I guess one of my rules of thumb is to really take a long hard look at how desperate, "passionate", and intense I am feeling about "doing", "saying" or "making" something happen. If I am feeling super intense, I need to back down and take a look and just STOP for a bit. Put the brakes on! Its entirely possible that my thinking is stinking and/or distorted somehow...

When I am feeling chill and balanced, I am in a much better state of mind. That is the posture I want to be in when I reach out to an A...just my two cents. Hugs and keep coming back- Jean

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

How can one be deatched & simultaneously supportive... think of it like loving someone compassionately. It absolutely can be done. The fact that ur not asking (or prying) falls under the category of MYOB minding my own business. If they bring it up & want to share about their progress/program you can be supportive.

You can be supportive by loving that person (at a distance) and praying for htem too. Knowing that they have an HP that is looking after them, just like we have.

I find it a slippery, difflicult slope of blurred boundaries when an A is in early recovery & we are working our own programs. How it feels for al-anon's compared to what A's go through - the perception & the experiences can be quite different. I prefer to not give any unnecessary information about my program to A's as my issues are diff from theirs and none of us need to be distracted by each other. I keep my program talk to other acoa's (adult children of alcoholics/addicts & al-anons).

This kind of approach gives room and integrity to yourself & the A, so that we can all tend to ourselves & our own unique issues. It also helps to implement healthy boundaries.

It is not our job to fix the other person, that responsibility we only ow to ourselves. I realize it's ur child & difficult to let go but we all have to live our own lives & it is all we have any contrtol over.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.