The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is wierd how my thoughts start swirling, and although they are not "new" ideas, they suddenly seem so in the way I perceive them.
I am separated from my A, and though sober (chemically) for 13 mos, he is still in a sick relationship that began back in 2006, and is not a healthy man. We own a business and recently built a new building. Uh, can you say bad timing?? So, the huge increase in expenses along with this poor economy, AH's recovery programs (goes every day and has limited work hrs), his new reputation, our divorce... well, let's just say we are in a heap of trouble financially. I know it is an economy thing more than anything, but I still want to blame him. I believe there is an element of karma or biblical reprecussions going on, and I wonder how I would feel if there was not a g/f in the picture.
I hate the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I have so many. I kept my mouth shut about my AH's affair. It has been two years and her husband just found out. Yes, that is true. Absolutely amazing in this town of 3500, and honestly I believe much of it is that the people who knew have the same enabling/protective attitude toward my AH as me. Wierd. I believe his "love story" may take a different turn now, but I don't count on it. I did not tell her husband mainly because i I was trying to protect my kids, my AH ,and our business, and truly thought that my marriage might eventually be saved. But, what I have realized now is I also kept my mouth shut because of the shame I had about his aism and prescription drug addiction. I feel it is so closely linked to his affair (she is a A too) that there is no way I could have talked about one without the other. But, now I realize that an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, and opening my mouth would probably have just created chaos and brought things to a head sooner. Up until this past summer, I would have sacrificed my soul to have my AH back in my life. Now I realize who he is and how I truly feel, and hard as it is to admit, I am internally happier without him. I really just want what marriage represents. He is not the one to give it to me.
I don't even know what the point of this post is. What spurred me is that I discovered he is using my credit card and I know he doesn't know it is mine. It is only used for food and entertainment (mostly with my kids) and his drug testing. The thing is, I honestly don't think he knows that it is mine rather than that of the business. And, the crazy part is that I don't want to tell him because I worry about our financial situation and feel bad for him. I worry about him and I hate it. I don't get it, then again, that is why I am here.
So, this post has no real point other that to just empty my head. I am so glad you are all here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, that's SO understanding of you. I would report that card stolen in a hot second but I guess I'm meaner and more vengeful then you :). I think you kept your mouth shut because it was the right thing for you to do at the time. I don't think I would have that much self control. It impresses me that you can take the pain and I KNOW that must be so painful - without lashing out. Still, I'd cancel that card, but that's just me.
Plenty of us have been where you are. The ex A I was with did not have an affair but he put all his friendships, his family everything first and compromised our home all the time.
Our financial affairs were totally merged. We had a truck, a home, dogs, cats and more. I was dependent on him, he was dependent on me. i had a long hard task to unravel all that. There is a way to do it and some of it is by using the tools of al anon. One thing I did was to make a plan be. Of course I didn't want to, of course I raged at doing it. When I did it there was a way I could focus on me. I also detached. For me that was hard I had spent years monitoring the ex A. I looked at his phone, obsessed over who he called. I called him many times per day trying to "make" him recover. When I stopped I'm sure he was relieved but also perplexed. I was always trying to second guess him. Of course eventually none of that did much good as his disease progressed.
I had no idea how I was going to get out of the situation I was in. I kept at it. I eventually left. Leaving was hard, leaving took a special toll. Staying took a special toll too. I needed a lot of support. I transferred all my dependence for emotional support from the ex A to this room and to other 12 step sources. I stopped looking for him to change. I stopped obsessing about him.
There is a way out of this. I can't say it is pretty but al anon can help you through whatever you decide.
Lou, just some hugs and I want you to know that regardless of the swirling we love ya here. We all swirl sometimes. Like flushing toilets!!!! HA! Hugs and much love- J.
