The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. I am new here and happy to have a place to come while I am at home. To make a long story short, my husband and I have been together 13 years. The first 4 were rough. On and off drinking on his part only for him to go to rehab and have 9 years of sobriety. During that 9 year period, we married...bought a house and had 2 babies. They are 4 and 2 now. After 9 years of sobriety, he started drinking again and for 8 months, our life was hell. He entered rehab (after almost losing his job). I told him that if his drinking started again, and he didn't make attempts to remain sober, I would end our marriage. There was no way I was going to go through that again. It was bad...let me put it that way. So, last week he came home drunk and confessed to drinking one other time. My kids witnessed this episode and have experienced it for the last time. I kicked him out of the house and he will never return again. I hope to remain allies in raising our 2 young babies. I don't want to fight or make this hard. It is sad to have our wonderful love affair end, however, I can't live like this nor can my children. I am proud of my decision however devastated and consumed with grief. He is pleading for me to take him back and I have no intention.
I will take whatever support you can offer me. Thanks.
Welcome to MIP. Hard decision I am sure. In Alanon we learn that relapse is sometimes part of being an alcoholic. To me the well being of the children is always a priority. Keep coming back.
I agree with nmike, and would add that alocholism is a disease that takes a massive toll on anyone and everyone it touches. The disease can not be cured only controled, only by the A and only if he or she decides to do so. We have to remember the disease is always there be it active or dormant, rehab's or not just waiting to raise its ugly head. What we have to do is take care of ourselves. The secret to taking care of ourselves and starting our recovery are face to face Al-Anon meetings. The program is free for the taking, all you have to do is walk through the doors at a local meeting.
By attendng Al-Anon meetings on a regular basic I have been able to separate the disease from my active AW. It took time, practice and daily working the Al-Anon program. I love my AW, but I dispise and hate the damn disease. I hope neither of those change.
Even though you are not living with your AH, you are and will continue to be affected by his drinking. You had a question in "shellyj123's"post concerning what are f2f meetings. I answered your question in her post an also suggested that f2f meetings would be the very best thing you could do for yourself now. Check out my answer to you in her post and I hope you agree.
I made the choice that I could not be in the marriage or live like that anymore. Each of us has out own choice to make. For me, being raised in an alcoholic home, I needed to respect and honor myself and stop perpetuating the pain of my childhood. Also, I was in an abusive situation and finally figured out that I needed to love myself MORE than anyone ('cept HP of course) and get some help. So I did. I am now divorced but have not lived with the A for going on 3 years.
It is so hard. Its the hardest thing but you sound like you know your truth and are taking the steps that YOU choose to take. I agree with the other posters here that going to face to face meetings is really key. There is nothing like physically walking into a room full of people who know what you are going through and why. Its priceless and yes, it literally is priceless- its free! I see a therapist also, am glad I can afford it, but alanon is also essential to my daily health. Keep coming back- that is the best thing you can do for yourself! Hugs, J.
Let me begin by first saying that you are in the right place. I would strongly recommend going to as many meetings face to face in your local area as possible. When I experienced the same crisis, I attended at least five face to face meetings a week. I received so much comfort, love, and support each and every day. I really needed it. Once there, I listened for the similarities rather than the differences in what people so openly shared. The key is to try at least six meetings as close together as possible to see whether or not Al-Anon is right for you. What also helped me was to attend open AA meetings to hear an alcoholic tell their story, why they drank, what they lost, and what was the turning point in their lives to get them to stop drinking. This is a family disease that is cunning and baffling. Going to open AA meetings as well as Alanon speaker meetings helped me to understand both sides of what brings people to program, how their life was, how it is now as the result of getting a sponsor and working the steps.
When I first walked into Alanon over seven years ago, I was ready for a divorce. I stayed in the program for six months, got some relief, was too scared to get a sponsor, and left the program when the alcoholic slowed their drinking. Things were getting better. Three years later, my alcoholic nearly died as a result of their drinking and I came crawling back to the only place where I knew I would find love, support, comfort and help. My sponsor and local group is the greatest gift to me. I have attended every week without fail for the last four years. I give back to the group what was so freely given to me through sponsorship, chairing meetings and participating in discussion meetings.
Bottom line, I have a wonderful husband who is powerless over his drinking and not in AA. We have two children, two months and five years. It is possible to have a wonderful life in the presence and in the absence of the disease. There is tremendous experience, strength and hope in the Al-Anon rooms and in this forum as well.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Please keep coming back. Love, Cat
Thats a tough place to be. I would suggest reading Getting them Sober. I'd also suggest going to meetings as often as you can. They have two here twice a day. I went to meetings here and went to the chat room a lot in the beginning of my stint in al anon. Separating is a hard one. I've been there. I know for me the financial impact is still a really big issue. Can you look for and get as much support locally as you can, social services, food stamps, go after child support, whatever you need to do. Make a list and keep on working it.
You can of course come here daily. I do and even after 4 years in al anon it is such a lifeline.
I know this pain too, in my case he would never have gone so I moved me and three children out. I'm still single with 3 kids two years later and I wasn't sure I would survive the grief but it's all worked out very well so far and I predict it will only get better.
(((((Canary))))) My heart goes out to you and your children. Putting them first is always what should be done and it sounds to me like that is what you are doing. As you work the program you will learn that grief is natural and part of the healing process that you will go through. At times I never thought it would end......and it hasn't completely but I am healing one day at a time. Your post made me realize that even though Ex ABF has 10 yrs sober there is no guarantee that he will remain that way the rest of his life......WOW.......that reality just hit more for some reason.... Take care of you and your children......and please keep coming back:)
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I admire your courage. I too have 2 young children. My husband went into rehab 16 months ago and has remained sober. However, after supporting him through rehab and going through forgiveness, he decided that he wanted to separate. I thought at first that he wanted to work on himself. Turns out he wants to pursue an affair at work. Soooo, I'm feeling regret in thinking that he could change. That is why I admire your courage. It is so hard to do what you are doing and keep your foot planted. I feel like I could have done more for my children. I want to make that up to them now and stop worrying about what he is doing in his "free time." It is nice and yet so unfortunate that we all have similar stories. Thank goodness that we can lean on each others shoulders without judgement. Good luck and many blessings with your little ones.
Today I had to tell my bf of 3 years that if he didn't get help for his drinking and get a job (he lost a VERY GOOD JOB last may. I'm willing to bet he was drinking on the job and they warned him repeatedly and he got fired. He's had prior DUIs and has no license, but continues to ride around drunk. His father and 2 uncles died in their 50s of heart attacks due to blood pressure that went along w/their alcoholism. My bf is 34 and is following the same path.
As much as it hurts, I've had to start trying to get used to not having him around. I can't have my 2 teenagers see him stumbling and being short tempered. I have to do what's best for me and my kids. But it still hurts. He was such a caring, HONEST guy before. I have no idea who this person is.
