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Well, found out yesterday that the A got rearrested- this time with his old girlfriend. He got pulled over. She apparently overdosed- not sure if she swallowed stuff when they got pulled over or what. Anyway, she is supposed to go to jail too when she gets out. I have not called to find out any more details. To be accountable, I must admit that my first thought when I heard the news was jealousy that he was with the girl and the hurt and rejection again that he had not "wanted" me a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, not really processed this but do feel some relief that I won't be worrying so much about him overdosing or his health- at least for a while. I also really feel that I won't set up the jail phone account this time, nor visit, etc. His mom, when she told me the news, said well, I guess you all can have a relationship again- he is back in jail. She was kidding- but the truth of it sure hits home as I have said when he is incarcerated is the only time we connect. Thanks for the support.
Yes it is truly amazing how "WE" become the relationship when they have no one left to turn to... I know in my own life it wasn't my ex, but my brother... We live about 5 minutes from each other, but I am lucky to see him on holidays, and family get togethers... He never calls, to just say ... Hi sis, or love ya, nothing, because once I knew what he was up too, I told him, I will love you for you, but right now, you are not yourself... So i was unexcepting... I wouldn't buy his cigs, or give him cash, or watch his kids so he could go to the bar, so he then had NO USE for me... Now send his butt to jail for the 20th time, and damn he loves me... He would call me 10 times a day and tell me the hole, how he was going to change this time, and how he was going to do right by his kids this time, and blah blah blah....All the times I excepted those calls, NOTHING with him ever changed... So now, I don't except those phone calls anymore either... I don't give him the chance to drag me in... Am i pissed that he did it, yep, am I pissed that he doesn't call me when he is free, yep... Can I control his actions... NO... So I guess that is just were we need to be till he choose a better life for himself, something that "I" have NO control over... A hard lesson to accept, but one well worth the journey to recovery...
((((Hugs to you)))) for letting his problems be his own... Time to put your focus back on YOU!! Good luck to you...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Yes, I find this too, for five years, my father, had absolutely no use for me, but suddenly after his bereavement, its " I love you" and quite a lot of other rubbish, because of this board I have been able to see it for what it is, but I can identify with the suddenly "we" scenario, you are in my thoughts.
I look at this differently. I know my AH needs routine to be on a program of recovery. He has been in the last stage of aism for years now, so he cannot stop on his own.
It is really lock up rehab for him. He goes back to the guy I have known all my life. I think of that time as precious. My A is going to be sentenced in the morning. I will be there.
If anything I have been his friend thru his whole life.
Jail gives him time to connect to his higher power, instead of being tortured by the demons of addiction.
All I know is I like to see "him" again. love,debilyn
My EX-AH is currently in prison and by the time he gets out will have been there for almost a year. This is the easiest time to break off contact because he has to write and you can decide if you want to write back or not. I usually don't. I think I have sent three letters in the past year. I'm always relieved when he's in jail, I know he's safe from himself there and I get some peace from his demands and expectations for a while.
Amazing how enmeshed some families are. I do know that detaching and detaching detaching helps not to feel jealous. I do know that I was also obsessed with the alcoholic feeling I was somehow missing out on something that he had and was not giving to me. I'm not sure that alcoholics sure know how to make it look like fun. Of course I was the one who held the pain in the relationship.
One thing I have found so essential in my detachment is to stop wondering to stop feeding the curiosity of where he is what he is doing and what he may do. I stopped believing that I was missing out. In Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew is emphatic they are really not having "fun".
I know for me now even after 4 years of al anon it is very difficult to focus on my life. After all the train wreck of an alcoholics life is mesmerizing stuff. Keeping the focus on me, what do I need to do, what is next for me is a constant discipline. Learning to detach was not easy. I had to really believe there was HP out there for my Ex A and I was not it.
