The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow officially the holidays are over. I realize I am not much good at holidays myself. I still have a great deal of grief left over from my family of origin. I also think I am still suffering from the vestiges of people pleasing. Put me in a place of people pleasing and I can go through the motions and then resent and grieve aftwards. Taking care of myself is still such a mystery to me. I know every year I say it and some how I never seem to get around to it but I don't want next year to be that I dread the holidays, somehow make it through them and then resolve to try to do better next year. I don't do better so I need help with them.
Maresie.... WOW do you sound like me... This was my first holiday in a really long time that I can say just took the wind from my sails... My fathers passing, my brothers incarseration AGAIN, all in about 2 weeks, weeks before Christmas, so this year was a tough one for me, but I did make it thru... I have a small son, and if it wouldn't be for him taking over when mom was clearly 'Not all there' our family may not have made it to the holidays, at 11 yrs old, he picked out the tree, he decorated the whole thing by himself, he baked cookies, and he decorated alot of the house.... Now I can appriacate what he did, and yet I feel like I have let him down, for not being the mom I should have been... Al-anon is helping me ALOT with that one.. But like you, I am also a people pleaser, and go thru the motions of life, sometimes with out even knowing it, because I honestly don't really know how to "focus on me"... It was not taught to me as a youngster, or as an adult, It was always about others because that is what "I THOUGHT" was making me happy, and then I realized... My happiness, was in making them happy not me... And I too, still haven't figured it all out yet, I am hoping that maybe one day I will get the "ME" of it all... I have the faith of my HP that i will get there, So how about we take that journey of self worth together... Lord knows I could use all the help I can get...lol Just remember, you did make it thru, and you can again, and with al-anon, i think next holiday's will be the best yet, because possitive thoughts brings possitive behavior, and possitive behavior will bring ''us'' a possitive life...
So hang in there chic, and heres to a brighter today for the both of us...
Love & hugs... Missing out...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
My holidays were OK and this is why: I do not spend any time with my family- HA! I make very specific arrangements to travel to people I love who are my dear friends who love me and accept me exactly for who I am. People who know me well, in every way. People I absolutely love to be with and adore. My wonderful SOBER friends who are calm, sane, happy, friendly and not spastic. Most of these people do not drink or if they do, its one glass of wine and thats about it. They are happy people. Content and serene people. Good humored, too. And they are unafraid to love me. They openly tell me they love me. They are always so glad to see me and be with me. I refuse to spend any time with people who hate seeing me, avoid me and don't really want to be with me. I refuse to try to communicate with people who do not lift a finger to communicate with me. Plain and simple.
I have found that when the times are stressful its always best to go and find good people and hunker down with them. Whether that is in an alanon meeting or to take a trip and go hang with people you love, respect and who love and respect you.
Over the years, kind loving people in my home group shared two things with me that bowled me over. They are:
Pain is inevitable, Suffering is Optional
There are no victims, just volunteers
Those two concepts are counter intuitive, and a pain in the butt to hear. So when the holidays arrive, I rely on my slogans to get me through. Primarily, "This Too Shall Pass" "Live and Let Live" "Let Go and Let God"
I don't have the support group I need yet. Obviously boundaries are still a huge issue for me. I am reluctant to go out and get a support group overnight as I know where that got me in the past. I did go to a lot of 12 step meetings over the holidays that didn't mean I created and got an instant support group. I have to look at that because obviously I've been here now for 3 years plus and I feel at home here now. I just need to create that out there in the face to face world and I imagine its going to take some time. My days of creating an instant fit are over.
