The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 24 year old daughter has been in recovery for 4 years; I' m truly grateful for that! I live in Maryland and she lives in my condo in Florida with a roommate (who pays me rent). She has been in school and working part time for the past 3 years. In February, she lost a part time job as a tech in a rehab. It totally devastated her and since then, she has had 2 emotional breakdowns. She has an eating disorder and her therapist and psychophamacologist are concerned about her. (She left 2 eating disorder programs this summer; after 3 drug rehabs, she didn't think she needed it.)
I have been supporting her-she had a credit card and would get a cash allowance. She abused the credit card one time too often so I took it away. How co-dependent am I; it took several months of abuse for me to take it away! I ultimately felt wonderful for doing it. I'm still giving her a cash allowance, she FINALLY got another part time job, but says she is not ready to commit to school. That's good, to be honest until she can be 100% commited it's not worth it as school has always been a terrific struggle for her.
I pay for her auto insurance, and yesterday, she was responsible for a second accident in 3 years- thank goodness, not major, but I would imagine that the insurance rates will increase.
My live in boyfriend and my daughter do NOT get along. He resents her taking from me and her sense of entitlement; she finds reasons not to like him, (I'd call that fear.) Let me add that her dad has had no relationship with her. I devoted my whole life to her and my career until I met the "love of my life" 3 years ago on my daughter's 1 year sobriety date! (My HP is pretty cool sometimes!)
She has a lot of program friends,and I believe she is relying more on them than me for emotional support. She used to call me several times a day; now it's typically once a day.
My questions are probably obvious . . .the answers clearly not black and white.
You know I was just thinking today after reading a book from the library how the issues in our family were food, alcohol and rage as well as a lot of other issues. The one thing I would highly recommend is to get the book Getting them Sober. I read that only this year and wish I had read it years ago. I'm not sure how long you have been in al anon.
I know in a nanosecond I could be out there being a raving codependent to some addict. I know how to do that.
Being in recovery is pretty hard going. Many of us form triangles. In my current family there are triangles. My two grown sisters (they are middle aged) are alcoholics, my cousin is an alcoholic. I used to feel incredibly left out. Now I feel incredibly grateful not to know all the goings and comings. As a friend of mine in recovery put it "same old same old".
People pleasing used to be a disease in itself for me. I used to take care of everyone else. I did not take care of me. I did not know how to set limits. I gave until I had nothing left to give. I also obsessed endlessly about others. I was very very over involved in their lives.
Certainly there is and can be a great deal of support for people in recovery. There are programs like sober living environments where someone who is trying to be sober can live in a supervised setting and work a program. There are also many many people who make it out from incredible obstacles from homelessness to living a responsible committed recovery. I know personally of people who have done that. I also know people who endlessly teeter on relapse.
Personally if an adult is not able to provide for themselves there are programs like food stamps and general assistance they can go to in order to not be dependent on other people. Of course asking for help is not easy for any of us.
I know I endlessly enabled the alcoholics I have been around all my life. I know I also had no idea I was doing it. Growing within this program I also know that their drama somehow filled something up for me. I can't say it was always caring because I certainly resented the hell out of them.
Another interesting observation in the family dynamics is that someone is always on the outer in the family...the scapegoat...which happens to be me at the moment. I refuse to play the game anymore...well I'm giving it a go. As soon as the word AlAnon is mentioned...whoa!!! it's like you're some traitor...Alcoholism in my father ruined our lives and we all became codependant to alcoholics or addicts. The mist has cleared from my vision and I can say I love my father today, he passed away at 65 yrs. Getting on track with this program is the best thing I could have done in my life.... I have a Higher Power. Abandonement issues are raising their ugly head and making me feel like a little child...well, so be it....better move past this...with the help of Al Anon meetings, strength and a release from the grips of this devastating legacy are in my sights. I look at it like this....just like the alcoholic....I'm good for A Day at a Time. My thinking can quickly become distorted from years of living in fear and not knowing a way out. I have that now and I'm so grateful. snowqueen xx
Thank you for your book recommendation, Maresie. Believe it or not I've been in Al-Anon for 6 years. . . but as they say, progress not perfection. I know I was much worse, I'm SO SLOWLY getting better. Wisdom from others in the program is invaluable.
I've been in al anon for 4 years. I don't think that any recovering codependent suddenly miraciously gets better overnight. I do think Toby Rice Drew (who is the author of Getting them Sober) has some very nice succinct non judgmental ways of going about the subjects. I also know that going to open AA meetings helps me to see the disease in progress. For many recovering alcholics it takes many many years to get in some kind of mode of recovery. So many skirt the edges for years. Many never get to the point of self sufficiency. Some do, some don't. I do know for certain that I can't force or even ask someeone to recover if they don't want to. I've been there and done that.
