The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just have so many questions! I want to know how did everyone deal with the financial troubles that your A caused?
I know that in about 31 days I am going to loose my house because my A could not keep a job for the last 7 months. They won't even work with us because he does not have a job. I used to be the dumb one who applied for all of the jobs, made sure that he went you know the routine. I no longer do that but look where is has gotten me...on the verge of being homeless. I am just really really upset about this.
I think that I secretly have been self sabotaging, because I had the money to pay my mortgage at one time but I chose not to. I think that I wanted either him to pay for what he had done to me, or I wanted to suffer because I did not feel good enough. It is just so hard to get real about these things! I think that I just needed to get that out!
I am so lost and confused, I don't know whether it is worth my time to try and keep the house...it is not like we cannot afford it, we can when he works, but we are just so FAR behind that I am not sure we could ever make that up. I feel like cutting my losses but then I am ashamed as well. If you have any advice on how to help me I would love to hear it. I am a blubbering crying idiot right now!!
The financial devistation created by addiction is hell, my husband passed away about a year and a half ago now. I asked him to leave the home a year before that.
I am just now recovering from the devistation of the financial mess he put us in, it didn't happen over night and it doesn't get fixed over night.
Do what you have to do for yourself, whatever is best for you. You can not worry about the shame, try and let that go.
Every day we are on this earth is a blessing from God, try and think about yourself right now and the best thing for you.
I mean I think that after only have one f2f meeting last week and reading the book "how al-anon works" I have made some good progress with at least identifying the role that my actions played in this mess, I am just taking it one day at a time and I am saying LOTS of prayers to my HP in hopes of finding a way out of this.
Hi I too struggled through financial troubles caused by an A. I was married to an alcoholic who was also addicted to cocaine. I trusted him and was married to him for 16 years. He was in charge of the bill paying, etc. and I thought he was doing a good job. Little did I know, he blew all the money we had, and then some. By the time I realized what was happening, it was nearly too late.
I ended up filing for divorce, and the same week, my AH was fired from his management job. I had a great lawyer, but because my name was on everything, I had to pay all the bills off myself since my A had no income. The court ordered my house to be sold immediately, and I went to live with my mother. I was able to contact my mortgage company and they have what they call a Hardship Program. I applied for it and qualified. For 6 months, I paid 1/2 payments. Around the time the 6 months were up, my house sold. I lost money on the house, but I didn't have to lose it to the bank. You might see what your mortgage company offers. I was determined that I was not going to have to file for bankruptcy, and I didn't.
I also had a pile of credit cards and personal loans that I'm still paying off. I got a consolidation loan and only have to make one payment for everything. I'll be paying it off for a long time. Fortunately, my ex-AH has a job and his paychecks are garnished and I receive a small amount every week. Hopefully he'll keep working and paying me back.
You don't need to be embarrassed about your situation. You didn't cause this mess you're in. I guess I felt the need to respond to your post because I've been where you are. It wasn't easy by any means, but I got through it and I feel a bit stronger (although poorer!) for it.
artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I am almost two years out from leaving the A and the financial devastation is still fresh. For me personally leaving the A was so essential and part of that was stopping taking care of him financially. For a short period after leaving him I paid some of his bills (well most of them) but eventually I cut him off entirely. I have had little if any contact since then.
Many of us have huge financial losses to contend with. You are certainly not alone and it is certainly not all your fault. Some A's create so much financial mess that they can't get out of it. The ex A's uncle used to call it digging a hole you can't get out of. The A who I was with certainly dug a hole and I am certainly trying to dig myself out of it.
Be assured there are some of us who have dealt with this. You are not alone and you do not have anything to be ashamed of.
Be assured you can come here anytime and talk about what is going on for you. I daily deal with these issues. The recovery for me is going to be a long one, 5 years minimum. I am moving into a new phase of dealing with this. I am glad I am dealing with it but it is certainly not pleasant, easy or smooth going.
I as well am recovering from the devastation financially. I am in 15,000+ Credit card debt, am at risk of losing my home, have loans totaling over 23,000 and fight everyday to take care of my children w/out support from him. (Unemployed again) I just graduated from Nursing school Dec 19th ( good for me pat pat) but cannot find a job as my credit plays a role from employers...I have no answers..I cannot even afford bankruptcy and he still asks to borrow money I know he will never repay! Sad.
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People may not remember what you did or what you said but they will remember how you made them feel...
for me personally the time of loaning money or giving money to the exA is over. For years i gave and gave and gave. i got to the point where I had nothign left to give. I would not even entertain that now. Giving is a huge issue for me. Its so much easier for me to give than ask for help and I need help on so many different levels.
I am dealing with massive financial struggles. Fortunately I went to grad school and got out and got a great job before the economy tanked- all in HP's timing as far as I am concerned...
I have a horrible credit rating. I literally own nothing but some clothes, a laptop, a phone and a car. I need to rebuild. At least I have a job. With that, nothing can stop me. I am very focused on taking care of myself and myself alone. ONE DAY at a time. I am chipping away and slowly, very slowly rebuilding. It will take years. Hugs, J.
One great solace I have found in this program is to be around people who are in similar straits. Then I am not always explaining myself. I don't even go into my financial issues with a therapist because I can't bear to explain myself too much. There are lots of groups on line for people who are going through financial devastation. Al anon can help too. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself.
