The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So this is my first time here. I got married to an alcoholic at the young age of 22. Fast forward 12 years and we have 2 children (ages 7 and 4). My husband has been sober for about 16 months. I had had enough, filed for divorce and he went into rehab. I was supportive of his rehab and held his hand the entire way through. He was finally the person I knew he could be (so I thought). We called off the divorce and began enjoying our family. Well along the way, he felt that he was too good for AA and stopped going to meetings. He became increasingly self absorbed and the same behavior patterns came back. He lies and is secretive. He is obsessed with attention from others. A woman paid attention to him at work, and here I am today. I am in an apartment with my 2 children. We are separated, not divorced and he has quickly decided to pursue this relationship.
Of course this is bittersweet for me. I am truly happy that he is sober. But I feel that I am the person that helped him get where he is today. Suddenly he is judgemental of me and has called me every name in the book. I know that logically none of this is my fault. I do understand that he will carry the same behavior patterns into any future relationships. Frankly, I think it scares him that I know everything there is to know about him. He pretends to be something he isn't to everyone around him. I know that soon I will be thankful that his selfish narcissist behavior no longer controls me. Funny thing is that he thinks i'm the controlling one.
I guess my biggest concern is of course my children. I don't want a revolving door of women being introduced into their lives. I am also worried that any relationship that I have in the future will be a co-dependent one. I was very young when I got married and this will have forever changed my life. I am very untrusting of men (which is unfair) and don't always believe that there are good people in the world. I have had very little support from my family and his. We are "out of sight, out of mind."
So here I sit in a city where I don't know anyone. I have to get a job, start my children in new schools and begin networking and trusting people. I am praying for the day that I get 8 hours of sleep. I know that I can do this, but find it hard to find the strength. When do I get over the anger? I don't want to be with him, but am so angry that he thinks he can juggle a new relationship and be a good father.
Any advice would be helpful. I find it hard to attend meetings because I am now a single mom.
Welcome to MIP. It sounds like you have already travelled wuite a journey, and also have a longer journey to follow.
I've been a member of this board routinely for almost a year now, and I can tell you that when you feel you are on the journey alone - you are not. We will always be here for you and I hope you keep coming back to post on the board whenever you feel the need.
The biggest thing that comes to mind as I read your post is all the questions/fears that you have about the future. Another member of this board once cautioned me about projecting into the future too much, as it can paralyze you from doing the right next thing today. All I can say is do the best thing for you and your kids today, then do the same tomorrow, and the next day etc. and you and your HP will do just fine.
I have gotten a lot of support from coming to this board, attending face-to-face meetings, reading Al-Anon literature and "working the steps". I have made some progress, and it has helped me deal with the good and the bad of the journey I have been on. Until you develop a new network of support in your new home, perhaps you can purchase some Al-Anon literature to support you?
Hello Julie , welcome and unfortuantely your story is not the only marriage that ended up in this situation , some days life jsut doesn't seem fair , but I believe it all happens for a reason as trit as that may sound . Many A find it much easier to move on than stay and repair a relationship . sad but true . I hope ufind time to get to a meeting perhaps one durring the day will work for you , u need support and an al anon meeting is a perfect place to make new friends and start over . for now we have meetings here twice a day at 9am and pm eastern time in the chat room . I hope u will be able to attend appears as if your husb is working the steps backwards and will soon find himself at step NONE . and u have been there done that don't need to go there again . a relationship with his children is important to the children and nothing u can do about the other women in his life , you could ask that he not bring them into the home if children are staying with him over nite , it' s important that u say how u feel , just don't expect that it will change anything but u have a right to voice your concerns . take care of you and your children your worth the effort . Louise
Sometimes sobriety can be as hard to live with as addiction. I was married 20 yrs to an alcoholic addict. I watched him go thru many changes over those years in and out of rehabs.
As hard as it is, you have to not think about the other woman or women and just worry about you and your kids. You sound like you have taken some positive steps. Try and get some rest and know you have taken the steps you needed to take for you.
Please remember this is a disease, love has nothing to do with addiction. Not only is he recovering but you are as well.
You are taking a new journey, I wish you the best of luck in your future. Always remember where there is life there is hope.
Hold on to your kids, have faith in yourself work your program, stay strong and just pray.
It sounds like either you have a great sponsor and or a great counselor. Maybe like myself you went to college on this disease, it sounds like your eyes are wide open and you are very aware of how an alcoholic and human nature can work.
When does the anger go away? After a while of working on acceptance of the facts of this disease and what it has contributed to the hurts and pains in your life. After you let go of taking it all personally and come to under stand that what you are going thru all of the family, spouses, friends and associates of alcoholics and addicts go thru. I believe that this is the very nastiest of disease because it sucks the life and light out of its victims and leaves them standing in pain before anything else comes about.
The Al-Anon Family Groups is one of the things that come along and along with it this very supportive MIP site. Come here while you are pissed and hurt no matter the degree and we will love you until you learn to love yourself as we have learned to. We have learned and never by outselves as for me there has always been the experience of another member to teach me to live just this one day at a time. We will let you cry on our collective shoulders and beat upon our walls and chests because that is what we were allowed to to when we were so hurt and learning to grow away from the rage and anger at everything including the alcoholic and ourselves.
I will tell you that I already sense your spirit for healing and that is a miracle already for me. I have seen this disease destroy and end lives and everything and that includes the alcoholic and addict. You are in the right place. We should not give you advise but only suggestions that truely worked for us along our journeys. Anything else might be just as destructive as the disease.
I am glad you are here. Go ahead and rage. When you are finished if you have not done so already. Go get your local phone book and look for the hotline number of Al-Anon in your area and call. Find a meeting you can get to. If they have a place your children can sit for an hour...great. If not ask them for suggestions and then go.
Welcome to MIP Julie. You have come to the right place. Taking care of you and your children is most important. Can you separate the issues facing you. New city, job, A, A's relationship, family, etc.? Maybe one issue at a time or one day at a time. Keep coming back.
I understand some of what you are going through. I moved out with the kids this past year while my exAH moved his new AGF in. The best I can say about that is, at least I'm not spitting nails over it anymore but I am far from over it.
I too was worried about my children's relationship with their father and what influence the AGF would have not so much on my 13 year old son but my 7 year old daughter. The thought of the two of them getting close was driving me crazy and believe me, it was starting to show. My behaviour was very hard on my little girl.
Finally someone pointed out to me that I could only control my relationship with my kids and I needed to get myself calmed down and together for their sake as well as my own. I needed to focus on being the kind of mom I wanted to be for them and to create a solid foundation for them to grow on. Any influence any gf would have on my kids would really only be a superficial one and they will always look to me for anything that really matters just as they always have.
Thank you for all the supportive and positive notes. It is amazing that I could feel so alone, but then have so many people understand exactly what I am going through.
I am two years out from leaving an active A (he never approached sobriety on any level). There are some days when it is still is very raw for me. I have to say some things have changed. I rarely rage on and on about the A anymore. I've stopped blaming the A, feeling resentful of him and thinking he alone is responsible for me being where I am. I certainly can very much understand what it is to start over. Many of us go through that. I also understand that for me personally I gave till I had nothing left to give and felt absolutely drained of everything. I felt totally sucked dry. I also felt that I had lost my way in fact I was just beginning to find it.
2 years on I no longer have real fear about where I am going next. I survived. I am certainly not in a place where I am thriving. I am also not in a place where I am scared stiff of what is ahead. I can't say I have a wonderful support group but I do have this place here which has proved to be such a wonderful welcome, growth place for me.
There are meetings here twice a day (admittedly they are east coast times). Many many people are limited in what they can do, how they can do it and where they can go for support for a long long time. I know for me personally as I move into another phase of my recovery I'm probably going to be strapped for time. For many of us finding the right meeting is hard, for others it is effortless.
I know personally al anon has provided an incredible growth opportunity. I hope it will for you too.
I know that the A I was invovled with did not run off with another woman but he certainly put everyone else in his life ahead of me and our home. I resented that deeply now after having some understanding of his disease I can understand it far more. I understand it but don't condone it. The A who I was with has had ample opportunity to get sober, he chooses not to. He's been offered programs galore and chooses not to go to them. He made the choice he now has to live with the repercussons.
Leaving is not an easy thing to do. I know what courage it takes. I hope this board can be there for you in this difficult time.
I can relate to the hurt and pain that is felt when you support the A thru their legal troubles, jail time, AA meetings, recovery. I was patient, kind, loving, not enabling tho, attending my own meetings, I beleived we were doing good, things felt good, he said he was happy and thankful for me and my being there for him. Yet, he continues and again just recently (5 days ago) cuts me off. he stops talking to me, ignores me, emotionally abandons me, gives me the silent treatment. moves into the spare bedroom without a word of why. we live in a small house, this is hard to go about day by day with someone who is not responsive to you. I do my best to go about my own business, but this hurts, it hurts to see him sittng there but not talking to me. I cant go near him, he rejects me, and yes, it hurts to go to our bedroom at night without him there. and he just acts like this is normal and no big deal.
this all started again last Sunday morning we went to a open AA meeting, by the time we got home within 10 minutes he had gotten angry and just stopped talking to me. Just cut me off just like that. This is the 3rd time he has done this since he got sober 120 days ago. in fact the last time he did it Dec. 12th, he moved out ! and returned Dec 25, christmas day night. saying he loved me and wanted us back and i was good to him and for him and he wanted that love and happiness we have.
well, i could go on and on, but basically, he keeps "leaving me" even if he is still there. I ask him gently what is wrong, he just says "trust the spirit". thats all the words i get. except every so often, he blurts out some sarcastic comment about me, how i cant be trusted and how he hates our life/house, how wrong I am, how I dont understand the program etc. I go to work each day never knowing wheter I will be coming home to him moved out again, and when that happens, oooohh, it hurts. It is so painful to be treated that way.
He has caused me more pain since he became sober then he did drunk.
