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Dear all, My A-father who was bereaved in November is still hacking away at the whisky. He had been out of my life for five years but is back in again. I deal with things differently now though and have not got hostile feelings but am very critical privately of him. At the moment my son who is very fond of him stays over a good bit but I have spoken to him directly of my father's drinking. He was aware of it anyway. I find it hard to believe he is a sincere person at all. He was always very selfish and very unfaithful to my mother for years. We have all picked up the pieces of his damaging behaviour over the last decade. I have found that I have had to cut myself off from his second family as they do not seem to acknowledge the alcoholism in the house. I have found alanon invaluable as I mind my own business and refuse to enter into any caretaking or picking up after this bereavement. There is one problem though, Barbara's daughter was supposed to take the dog but of course has not, my father hates the dog and it is frightful to watch. I think I should take the dog and take it a day at a time, I cannot watch or knowingly witness an animal's suffering. I have spoken about it to ex-A who is an animal lover and I do know he would help with the care. The dog is old and deserves better than a nasty life. Any advice would be gratefully received. I already have a dog and cat so know what I would be taking on. I honestly would rather bring the dog to the vet to get put down if I can't manage rather than watch this. Incidentally I am not in any way surprised at my father's behaviour, he is not particularly kind to animals and people have to be useful before they are rated.
Wow, tough call. I've not experienced such a dilemma. Is it enabling or caretaking to take care of the dog?
Only you can decide this for yourself, but I don't think it is enabling or caretaking. The dog is a poor helpless creature, unable to make it's own decision about getting away from the poor care of your A-father. In a way, it is like a child in an abusive uncaring relationship. I would take the dog for the dog's sake, not the father's.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. I feel bad that what I have typed reads like advice, probably means it is wrong.
I also don't see it as caretaking or enabling if you adopt the dog. Nor do I see it as caretaking if you find a different home for the dog. As Rocky said, it's a helpless creature who can't make it's own decision about getting away from the alcoholic.
It likely won't make much of a difference to the alcoholic, but it will make a world of difference to the dog.
But it's your decision. Have you asked your Higher Power what to do?
I just saw Marley and Me and I would strongly suggest take the dog. It was a good movie and I came home and hugged my dumb mutt who I always say is the worst dog in the world. I had to come home and tell him I do love him, he is not the worst dog in the world.
Seeing that movie helped me remember that pets are a huge part of life and they deserve and need our love. And they accept our love and give love unconditionally.
I can't see what could be wrong with saving an animal from a bad situation. Seems like a win/win situation for you and the dog.
Taking the dog away seems the only humane thing to do in this situation. The sooner the better. Poor little creature, how sad. Are there visible signs of neglect or is he just being mean to the dog in front of people? snowqueen x
Well you know full well that I ended up taking both the dogs after I left the A. I don't doubt your relationship with your father will change after that. I really caretaked the ex A until I took the dogs then he was on his own. He really showed his true colors then. There is no question for me financially and on many levels having the dogs is hard, not having them was harder.
Personally I find it absolutely impossible to be in a relationship of any sort with an active A at the moment. There is no question I deal with A's day in day out. My ability to be kind to them has gone but I do have compassion. I certainly understand they are diseased, nevertheless I refuse to have their disease infect me in the ways it always has.
Thanks all, I provisionally collect the dog on wednesday and am taking it one day at a time, that horrible feeling and not being able to sleep has gone since I tackled the situation today, regardless of outcome. Funny enough treatment of dog has miraculously improved since I identified any issues, so even though the dog is not with me yet and might not be, situation has improved for the dog. I handled it calmly and just kind of commisserated with the hair situation with the dog as my cat does shed a lot and said that it would not be a problem because I am used to same. Will keep you posted, thanks for all.
