The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I joined here yesterday, went to my first f2f today, when I commit to something, I go all out. I've been very emotional, so was worried about a f2f meeting. Not really comfortable cryng in public! The topic for the day was right on for me......expectations. I'm dealing with my 17 year old son and a drug addiction. At this point my only "expectaion" (i.e. hope) is that he will graduate from high school. He's a VERY bright boy and can do it by attending alone. So when I'm hearing all of these people who have spouses who are alcholoics talk about expectations and how they need to just basicaly not have them, I undertand where they are coming from, but I'm wondering, how do I as a parent let go of my losy expectation of my son graduating high school? College....pipe dream for now...I know he wouldn't be able to do that in the shape he's in. But to lose my dream of him at least graduating high school is hard for me. I've let go of so many other "pipe dreams" I had for his high school years....going to dances, playing football (he quit half way through sophmore year), having a part time job, participating in church youth activities (which he used to do).Don't get me wrong, I competely understand about expectations, my husband is a complete control freak and the high expectations he holds on all of us are strangling. I understand that. I just don't feel like I'm asking for much.....maybe as the mother of an addict, I am, maybe I just can't quite grasp the mother of an addict part yet.....
I'm going to attend meetings and work on myself, I'm sure I will need a lot of clarification and guidance along the way. I hope to find some of that here.....
Open mindedness is necessary for this program especially for new comers. You are doing well with it because it allows you to adjust your picture of expectations. I had to accept the idea that my son was also and alcoholic addict and that the only expectation that I could reasonably have was that someday he would bump chest to chest with his higher power and every thing would change. That was a resonable expectation for me and it happened and everything else that happened afterwards was even more beyond my expectations and I just let it happen without trying to have it as I thought it should be. Today, they...my son his wife and three children the eldest being 21 are better than I expected....not perfect; better than.
It's good to have you here a part of this family. Keep coming back.
I too am a very private person, I leaked through my first 4 meetings. Resolving to live just for today is work, but at the same time liberating. When we came to terms with our son's alcoholism the dissapointment and fear for his future was crippling. But as we work the program focusing one just one day, lifts a lot of weight off our shoulders.
We hope our son gets better, but better will be defined by him and his HP, not us. It's really hard to shelve our plans & expectations of what we thought he'd be and where we thought he'd be, where we thought he deserved to be.
I relate to your fear. When I'm honest, I recognize that part of my fear is that their choices are reflecting poorly on ME. I once had the most amazing stories of how "perfect" my children were, how will I explain this??
My marriage was falling apart and my college kids began rebelling all at the same time. I could no longer uphold the illusion that my family was fine. My daughter quit college in her third year and joined the army. Stricken with fear, I finally asked myself what was the worst that could happen? My worst fear was that she would come home in a body bag. I let those feelings wash over me but I eventually realized that even then, I would still be okay. My HP would still be with me, and would give me the strength to endure... always.
I am powerless over her choices... completely powerless. When I stay in powerlessness, I can move on to step 2 and 3. And begin to breathe again! The goal of recovery is my own serenity.
The way I see it, I can make every attempt to guide my children. However, they are on their own journey and it is separate from mine. I regularly have the visualization of wrapping them in a blanket and handing them to HP. The blanket is a representation of me doing everything I could for them. Some people have made comments that my daughter must feel the need to be punished for something... there are lots of know-it-all, butt-in-skies in the world. In the past, this comment would send me reeling, I would suffer thinking it's all my fault. Al-anon helps me deflect these unsolicited comments.
Al-anon has nurtured miracles in my life. I hope you keep coming back to experience your own!
-- Edited by glad lee at 11:13, 2009-01-03
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Yes, as parents we tend to believe that our children are a reflection of us, so if they fall into the ugly cycle of addiction, it is a reflection on us as parents. I've really struggled with this for a long time. I'm finally beginning to be able to turn it over to God, he has a plan that I don't understand, but have to trust.
I've experienced many of those butt-in-the sky people, as you put it! I even quit going to my Sunday School class due to so many comments about how THEIR kids know if they do this or that there are consequences, therefore THEIR kids would NEVER. HA! Those types of comments just made me angry. As if I hadn't given consequences to my 15 year old (he's now 17)! Sometimes you can give a kid all the consequences in the world, and they are still going to chase the high, the high is more important than the consequence. That is the picture of an addict, as opposed to a kid who is experimenting.
Well, he turns himself in to the courts on Monday, hopefully a little time in jail will give him time to reflect, sober, on his life and where he wants it to go.
Well one thing I would suggest is to go to some open AA meetings. You can see people there who are dealing with the aftermath of their addiction. Then you can gauge your expectation. We tend to want to go to reasonable but with alcoholism there is no reasonable there is only obsession. When someone is obsessed with alcohol they don't have room to do much else but deal with that. I think we need to keep that in mind, alcohol is the center stage and there is room for nothing else. In Al anon we sometimes become consumed with the alcoholic and that in itself is not healthy. There are many many tools for us to use in al anon to get better and I hope you will pursue them.
Don't give up there is always hope - and believe it or not some addicts graduate and go on to university so u never know what God has in store for your son . Go to your meetings learn all u can about addiction and get your life back . I have seen many come back for the brink or death or total ruination , my husb being one of them . Dont give up but remember to take care of you in the process . good luck Louise PS perhaps a naranon meeting would help u as well , a treatment centre could point u in the direction of one in your area . there are not many meetings for naranon unfortunatley but the good thing is they use our literature Al-Anon either program u will find what u need .
As the mother of an AS I have had to let go of expectations, my son is now 28 and his slide into addiction began ten years ago. I did manage to get him through high school.
He was bright, handsome and full of life, the apple of our eye. I was so blind sided by his choices that I didn't begin to understand what the ramifications was for him, for me and the whole family. The expectations of college, love & marriage have gone by the wayside. My friends and family's children have gone on to college and married, some of them have had children of their own. I still go to Sunday School and church, but it has been (and still is) a struggle for me, the comments people can make about addiction and why it happens and what should be done with addicts will make your hair curl and sometimes break your heart.
I have not dropped out of church yet, I don't want to cut myself off from the world completely, and that is what I will do if I leave.
This is a very lonely life, but I am glad you come here, and that you have stepped out for a f2f meeting.
