Trying to accept son's alcoholism - Al-Anon Family Group

ppay · Newbie

Trying to accept son's alcoholism

luvinmom · Veteran Member

I too have a son fighting alcoholism. Someone sent me this post and I read it everyday for strength:

I am an alcoholic, I need your help. Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.

My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.

Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily and you know it.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.

I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.

Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you. Your Alcoholic

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I feel like being around an active alcoholic is like being around a vacumn it is so easy to get sucked in. Of course it is pretty difficult to accept alcoholism. I found myself staying with an active alcoholic for 7 years.Being in Al anon for 4 years (2 years without an A) I no longer need to be an expert on anything but my own recovery.

When we detach from their alcoholism we stop trying to fix them and give them back their responsibility for their own lives. I live around active alcoholics and I am always amazed at how other people treat the alcoholic. It is amazing how many forms enabling comes in.

There are many many resources for you on line and in many other guises. You are certainly not alone. There is a great great book series called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (she also has a website). I can't recommend them enough. All the al anon literature is immensely helpful.

You can find a way to live with your son's alcohlism and have a life of your own. Your life does not have to stop because he is ill. You can also find ways to answer his girlfriends demands to fix her.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ppay!!

Welcome to the board. Keep hanging around and reading the post and
response for the day and before and you will get a lot of support. Some
of our members have the problem very close to how you are having it now
and some still will relate because Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into
contact with and almost all end up confused, lonely and angry.

Alcoholism isn't a crime...it's a disease and there are some treatments that
are better than others and some you have to pay for and others not.
AA is free and voluntary. By all means suggest you your son's girlfriend
to go as quickly as she can. This disease is a fatal disease and all seriously
recovering alcoholics (including yours truely) will tell you that we have only
a daily reprieve...Tell her you agree that getting there is a "best" decision.
Also the Al-Anon Family Groups are for family, friends and associates who
have been affected by someone elses drinking so you don't need a court
order or a prescription (although both of those have happened) to attend.
You will be very welcomed as you are now and very glad you did.

Keep coming back here and checking in and if you want to look in on the
on line meeting here do that also.

Yours in love and service (((((hugs))))) smile

joyoma · Veteran Member

It is only the past two years, coming to this site and daily trying to learn that I have finally accepted that my only son actually IS an A!! I guess I spent years in the denial, plus we didn't always live close by. I always thought that his college and post/college years were "rites of passage" and that he would settle into life just as his parents had done. So, I don't know if you will easily accept your situation. You will grieve as do all of us for our loved ones. Being in the situation of parent to A is a very very hard place to be. This child you nurtured isn't what you expected, and the problems it brings to a family are tough and sad.
The posts you have already received here say it best and as long as you come here and read and post and learn, and when you get to attend some f to f meetings, you may begin to feel some composure.
My prayers are with you because I know exactly how this feels. You will meet many of us here, so welcome and keep coming and reading and learning. It can get better for YOU...and that is what really counts. You cannot control your son or his drinking or his life choices. But you can control and direct your reactions and your choices. Blessings and stay strong.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello pay , if it were me Iwould tell the girlfriend to go to meetings for herself - like you there is nothing she can do about him he will get help when he is ready and not a min before . encourage her to get help for herself . The best way to suport the A's in our life in my opinion is to find our own program and get the focus back on us . When we are obsessed about anothers life we loose our own . it only takes one person to change and to create change . goodl luck Love the son hate the disease ,it's time to step aside and allow him the dignity to grow up . Louise

Mobirdie · Senior Member

At one of my f2f meetings, someone asked which I thought was the most difficult, dealing with a spouse or significant other who is suffering from the disease or dealing with a child in the disease. My response was this....

When it comes to a child it's like seeing them standing on railroad tracks, with a blindfold and ear plugs. There is a train coming and I cannot do anything to save him. The only thing my son has to do is to simply reach up and take off the blindfold or take out the ear plugs so he can see the danger and save himself.

We can divorce or seperate from our spouses/significant others but our children are our children for life.

If I had never joined the awesome fellowship of Al-Anon I too might be lost but thanks to this program, a great sponsor and a very handy phone list I am still in one piece. I know I cannot save my son, only he can do that. However, I can take my life back, set boundaries and with the help of my HP I know I will get through each and every fall that he goes through. My heart has been broken so many times but FINALLY the last time I did not buy into it. I was able to say this is his to fix and I will not let it consume me like it has so many other times before. It took quite a long time to get here but gosh I'm sure glad I was able to do it this time. Next time it will be easier to get to that point again.

I always make sure that my son understands that I love him but I also let him know that I cannot fix his stuff, I cannot cure him...if I could I'd have done it years ago. I can however take care of me and leave him to his HP. It has amazed me how much better things are for him and for me since I turned loose, stayed out of his business and took care of me.

You will get there too but it doesn't come overnight. It takes going to meetings religiously, getting a sponsor and working the steps. I found out a lot about myself when I worked the steps and it wasn't earth shattering it merely answered a lot of questions that I had never had answers to. On the fourth step which I dreaded beyond belief, my sponsor and I actually laughed through the whole thing. No hours on end crying like I had heard it was. But it was so awesome to finally get through it and experience that relief.

In Recovery
barb

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