The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling pretty good lately, as if I may be starting to heal. Then, I talk to my children, and they only see me as flawed. This really presents itself in situations where they aren't getting what they want. I can give and give and give, and then when it is not enough or I screw up, nothing good I have done matters. It really hurts. I don't have anyone to really talk to about it, as it is so deep and convoluted (and it is 11:00 at night).
My husband had multilple affairs, but I did not know until his aism and current affair came to light. His current married alcoholic g/f got him kicked out of rehab. He is bringing her into my kids' lives now and I can't stand it. Her daughter is my daughter's friend, so she loves it. I know I can't control it, and I no longer try. The main reason I know about it is because my 4 year old has really good language skills. I have supported my kids' relationship with thier dad always. I made the excuses for him as to why he was never around and always fostered thier relationship. I built him up. He didn't come home from work to say goodnight, so I would jammie the kids and take them to him. I did for him what he should have done for himself on many fronts. I have been constant in thier lives and have attempted to base all my actions and responses to dealing with my ah and his disease and affairs based on protecting them. Now we are getting divorced and ah is supporting the relationship himself and being a better dad than ever. I, on the other hand, am still hurting and healing, and have done a much better job hiding my ah's imperfections than I have my own.
Tonight I confronted my 15 yr old son in regards to a situation where he manipulated me and played both his dad and me to get what he wanted. I ended up with an earful on how he thinks I see myself as a victim and make them feel terrible about themselves and thier life with their dad. In all honestly, I think some of this was done to get the focus off of him and onto me. But, even so, I think what he was saying was his personal truth and it is painful. On the other hand, my son has no idea what I have endured nor sees how far I have come. Essentially he told me that even though he doesn't really like the g/f, that she is fun and he doesn't think she is mean and he doesn't want to be made to feel bad for accepting the situation. This was rooted in the fact that on Sunday night the kids were with their dad. I made a point of not driving by thier place or making any contact with the kids to know what was going on. Then, at 9:45 at night my son calls me to ask about changing his texting limits. It was so loud in the background I couldn't hear. I knew what was going on, the g/f and kids were present, but I asked anyway. First he said it was just his dad and siblings, then I asked again. Then, I got upset (and let him know) that he called me in that situation. Not fair to him. He then brought up all the other things I do that indicate my irritation with thier dad such as the fact that I make comments that my little ones clothes go out and do no come back.
My son was crying, but I can't help but think that it was also influenced by my taking his cell phone away and his immediate desire to communicate with some friend(s). His story changed from trying to help the drama of two friends to helping a friend who he said was in trouble. He talked to me about it a little bit, but it was all in attempt to continue to have his phone until 11:00 when it turns off, no doubt. I don't know what the truth was. Scares the heck out of me. He can do that crazy-making talk with ease. He could sell ice to an eskimo. He is just like his dad in that regard. Yikes! My AH is gifted in making people feel sorry for and take care of him. He is one of those people who is articulate and can just say the right things. I am not and do not. He is a man who has only ever really taken care of himself, but being in the health profession is generally seen as a nurturing, giving saint. Now, here he is being superdad. He has oodles of meetings, counseling, etc. every week. He knows all the right words. Lots of program talk. When he is with the kids he can focus just on them. He is like the consultant to our family, piping in always with a calm confident demeanor.
I feel like I am wrecking my kids, that if I were to die right now, they would have nothing good to say about me. I want to feel validated by them. I want them to know the truth. But, I know that is not healthy for them and only in my actions and behaviors can I change things. I just don't know how. I am struggling to make it day by day with working f/t, 3 kids in 3 schools in 3 towns, homework, finances, minimal sleep, no exercise, keeping my house up. Uh, I think I am preaching to the choir here, no?
Anyhow, this is a pity post, I admit it. I just feel awful. I want to run away. I want to start again. I don't want my ah in my life at all. I want to feel good about myself. I want my kids to respect me. I want to be loved and to love myself. I feel like I have so very far to go.
Thanks for being here. Tomorrow's a new day and then it is a new year. I know things can change, but I feel there are scars on all of us that won't heal. I guess I'll keep hanging on and wait for that miracle.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I so understand your situation. I was always the bad guy and my XAH appeared to be the eternal "Father Christmas" and "Super Dad", and when he finally got into recovery and became dry and is to this day, I thought for a long time he was still the "Mr Wonderful".
However, over the years I now realise that HE WAS NOT THAT, and truly I was not the bad guy either. This is all said with hindsight and many years of growing up by my daughter and my son. He let them down so much, but they were so scared of loosing him they hung on to every possible string that he cast out, and even struggled to keep hanging on to them even when he withdrew them and cast the children out of his life.
The A was selfish, is selfish, and always will be selfish. I was the one that loved and was dependable and set the boundaries and, even though it did not seem so at the time, the children did respect me for it.
That, however, did not stop the judgement, the condemnation, the " you are a spoil sport", and the awful guilt, miser and lack of respect and love I felt that both my children had for me.
I now see that because I was the steady one, the one who did set boundaries and tried to enforce good behaviour, acceptable behaviour and made rules I was also seen as the disciplinarian and the one thing that children think that they do not want is discipline. BUT, THEY DO and THEY DO NEED IT and that is where you come in.
All children will buck the system, will buck the rules, will try to gain the upper hand and think that the one parent who is NOT setting the good examples, or is lax is "the better parent" IN THAT MOMENT. IT IS NOT TRUE THOUGH AND YOU MUST NOT LET THAT THOUGHT TAKE HOLD OF YOU AND MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF AND THE WAY YOU ARE DEALING WITH A VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL AND MIXED MESSAGE LIVING THAT COMES WITH AN A IN THE EQUATION.
Love yourself and stand TALL. You are doing OKAY and you will find that the truth will surface in the end and you will be loved and respected, just as you always wanted...in fact you will look back and realise that you ARE LOVED AND RESPECTED EVEN NOW.
HOLD ON ((((((((((LOUPINESS)))))))))))))), YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE AND SO WHAT IF YOU NEED A PITY PARTY THEN OKAY YOU HAVE ONE, JUST AS LONG AS YOU LET GO OF IT AND DON'T JUST KEEP ON WALLOWING.
Sending you my love and encouragement and hope that the New Year will bring you love, respect, happiness, progress and health. Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I like your pity post. It is honest. And very real.
As far as the kids seeing you ONLY as flawed, well, they are kids....that's their job. When they don't get what they want, they manipulate. That, I think, is all a part of learning how to grow up and get what we want and need. And our job is to not let it happen. It is to shut down their manipulations so that they have to live by the rules we set and the laws of society. Course, even when we give in, it doesn't mean they're doomed to become a sociopath.
So, you enabled your husband to be a good dad. And when you stopped enabling, he has taken up the reins and become a good dad all on his own. (Now, between you and me, I don't believe that for one stinkin second. Seems like what has happened is he has a GF who is telling him exactly what to do to be a good dad, and he is doing it. To impress her, to screw with you and because he hasn't gotten bored or irritated yet. Give it time.)That is a hard pill to swallow. When we stop doing for the A what he/she should do for themselves and then they Do for themselves, proving to us that we were never NEEDED but insted just USED, well, it just sucks. But yet another great reason to keep the focus on ourselves. If I keep looking over at what HE is doing all I get is mad. But if I IGNORE (which is what I do if I can't detatch with love and it works just as well for the time) then I am not angry or resentful or filled with doubt and self pity. I am content with deciding what I want and need.
One of my FAV tatics to use with my mother was the old " Friend is in serious trouble and really needs me" I swear, it worked every time. It got me out of the house, it was a great excuse when I was late getting home. That and "He's gay." which was the one I used so that my guy friends would be allowed to stay the night....My 14 yr old has tried both of these on me!! I was floored!! I thought I was brilliant with these awesome excuses! HHmm, I was not so original after all....
If you died today, your kids lives would be forever changed. They would be wrecked. As kids, they don't even begin to understand how good they have it. They will see. They will know, someday.
The kids are going to use every opportunity they have to hurt you and get what they want. They will try to play you and your ex against each other. They will profess love for the GF. It is not their job to validate you, it is none of their business what went on between you and your ex. All you have to do is raise them and love them. You have every right to set down boundries and enforce them (you don't want to hear about GF, don't call you when GF is around, bring back clothes that left YOUR home, etc) that is taking care of you.
If you had a broken leg you would ask your kids to not to jump on the bed while you were on it because that would hurt you. You have a broken heart and it needs time to heal and the kids can respect that and not jump on your heart with stories of the GF.
I hear you Lou, and yes, you will be ok and love again. Raising kids is hard and being a single mom is hard. It is hard and alot of times just simply unfair. We will survive!!!!
Someone once told me in the chat room that will all sit on the pity pot every once in a while, but the important thing to do is to get off because it stains.
You are going through a lot. Be good to yourself and give yourself the love you need.
Sending you huge ala-hugs through the post.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
(((((((hugs))))))) and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and another thing scroll down to Buick's "I'm not a victim" and if it is not snowing like hell and there is nothing to stop you going out into the back yard or some other quiet spot...go out and throw the best tantrum you can. Jump up and down, wave your arms and fists around and up and down, shriek and swear your best swear words. Get your blood up to your cheeks and when you start to feel that first sense of weariness? Stop!! Shake your self off, straighten your clothers and hair, put on a smile and stand real still for a second. Look up, say thank you God for all the great stuff in my life today and go back into the house and read a couple of pages on something spiritually positive or/and call your sponsor and/or prepare a little snack for the members at your next face to face meeting. Let go of all the other sick stuff. With love in Service.....(((((hugs)))))
One of the things that I heard in your post was your desire to change others minds. This is something I have been stuck on ecently. I had to go back and read and work at step 1 again on that issue.
Another thing that stood out was when you listed some wants near the end of your post. I would suggest that you take each one separatly and apply step 1 and the serenity prayer to them. I'm pretty sure that the only oes that you can make come to pass will be... "I want to feel good about myself. I want... to love myself."
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with your kids. Try to have faith that they are inteligent people and will learn to make good choices and see the truth eventually.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Lou, I think its almost impossible not to get a little pity party going this time of year...its OK as long as you see it as just that (and I know you do!). Its a very difficult time. I traveled recently and everywhere were happy couples and families (or so it seemed) traveling to visit family and friends. I felt so alone and out of place but this is ME and what I am creating around myself and this is the story I tell myself...I have control over this.
I am working at seriously looking at my "story". My belief system about myself. I think this is really key in making the changes I want to make in myself.
I used to feel that no one wanted me. I can see now that I did not want me! And what is the opposite of no one wanting me and not feeling valued? I can value myself and know that HP values me greatly.
Lots of work to do, always- it never ends. You are not walking this difficult path alone. Everyone needs to have a little pity party sometimes. I know I sure do! Hugs, J.
Dear (((Lou))) I don't think you're acting like a victim. To me, that would be the "danger" of throwing yourself a "pity party." I personally don't like the phrase much... it only heaps on guilt and shame. How does that help? I say, feel your feelings until you're done feeling them. I like Jerry's suggestion.
I went through a divorce this year too. There is a lot of grief and processing going on. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, allowing the feelings... and allowing myself to continue to learn my program. It's all new. There's a lot going on!
I have some regret that I didn't get into the program sooner. I raised my children in a crazy home. Nonetheless, I am where I am... and feel eternally grateful. They ARE benefitting from my program too. From the start, I wanted to believe the program phrase, " when one member of the family is thinking sanely, the whole family situation is bound to improve."
Recently, my son came to visit, stressed to the max (med. school) and wanted to come see ME, not his father. I am grateful that I was able to be present, I was able to speak calmly and wisely. My son visibly relaxed, took some deep cleansing breaths and told me he felt sooo much better. (Gladlee flexing her al-anon muscles...)
Yet, just a few days ago, I was ALL OVER his side of the street, worrying how he was spending his loan money!!! I make mistakes. I'm human. Perfectly imperfect. That's the way it's always going to be.
Be gentle with yourself, ((((Lou.)))) God isn't finished with us yet.
-- Edited by glad lee at 22:23, 2009-01-01
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The way I have found to deal with people who just drive me to distraction is to really detach from them. I make a huge effort not to know about them. I can appreciate you want to be present in your children's lives and monitor what is going on but do you need all the details. The less details I have about the exA the better it is for me. When I have a huge conflict with someone I tend to stop communicating with them for a while. Then the obsessions lessens.
I live around people who are totally addicted to substances. I was having a conversation this morning with someone I know socially and he was obsessing about someone else's drug use and casually mentioned his own alcohol use. For me if I know someone uses alcohol I tend to put in another boundary not that I treat them like a leper but I don't expect them to be able to meet any of my emotions needs at all.
For me the obsessing about others was a long long pattern of over invovlement now I pull back from that and go to being involved in my own life. I spend a lot of time each day working on what do I need to do nexty and take actions each and every day to move myself along.
I know how hard it it so pull back and let go. I know also if I thought the ex A was with someone else I'd be upset. So I make a point of not knowing. Not knowing is a huge art. The less I know the better the less I feed the obsession. Pretty soon it becomes a way of life.
