I was also emotionally abused for years .. never could prove it and never had it validated.. we looked perfect on the outside and therefore others would actually tell me my life was great .. and they could Really know this how ? perhaps self " Right " eousness ? Today, I don't need others to validate me outside of program because I am learning to validate myself through others who have taught me how to do this through meetings..

alanon is a healing program and in alanon, i truly believe Anything is possible .. The big AA book says Rarely have we seen anyone who is willing to work the steps fail ..

If you check it out even face 2 face, you will undoubtedly be surprised to begin hearing your own story through others in the group .. you might even begin to hear your abuser's story through the experience strength and hope of others shared in meetings ...

If you do decide to attend, its encouraged to try at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's the right place for you .. a Sponsor is a wonderful gift and somehow we just seem to end up getting matched to those who have already walked through what we're just beginning to walk through now ..

When I have more time, I will try to post the alanon promises .. they are definitely worth reading !! and it's my experience so far ( on my 9th step ) these promises really will begin to unfold in our lives ..

well if your not going to f2f meetins yet that would be a great place to start.  Lack of self esteem and self worth draw unsavory people to us . Unfortunatley we teach people  how to treat us time to set some boundaries for yourself and all your relationships . When u begin to treat yourself with some respect others do too .   Louise

(((((((((((ESH)))))))))))))))),

That subject is touchy with me.  I've learned a lot and I am thankful to say that I am no longer sick, sick, sick.  The first thing I learned in Alanon was "we are only as sick as our secrets."  Those secrets keep disease going.

I hope the below helps you,
Maria

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Verbal abusers have been known to say:

I love you.

No one could love you as much as I do.

I'd never leave you.

I'd never do anything to hurt you.

I just want you to be happy.

Some abusers may be extremely over-powering while others may be reclusive, yet very manipulative.  Some are outgoing, some are loners.  The abuser also may describe her/himself as the opposite of the way his/her partner experiences him. 

The verbal abuser may be:

1. irritable
2. likely to blame his mate for his outburst or action
3. unpredictable (you never know what will anger him/her.
4. angry
5. intense
6. unaccepting of their mate's feelings and views
7. unexpressive of warmth and empathy
8. controlling
9. silent or uncommunicative in private (note the word private)
10. demanding or argumentative
11. a "nice guy/gal" to others
12. competitive toward their partner
13. sullen
14. jealous
15. quick with come-backs or put-downs
16. critical
17. manipulative
18. explosive
19. hostile
20. unexpressive of their own feelings

What is present is:                                    What is lacking is:

Inequality                                                    Equality

Competition                                                Partnership

Manipulation                                                Mutuality

Hostility                                                        Goodwill

Control                                                        Intimacy

Negation                                                        Validation

The following is a list of primary consequences of verbal abuse.  The partner of a verbal abuse may experience:

1. A distrust of their own spontaneity.
2. A loss of enthusiasm
3. A prepared, on-guard state
4. An uncertainty about how s/he is coming across.
5. A concern that something is wrong with him/her.
6. An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
7. A loss of self-confidence.
8. A growing self-doubt.
9. An internalized "critical voice."
10. A concern that s/he isn't happier and ought to be.
11. An anxiety or fear of being crazy.
12. A sense that time is passing and s/he's missing something.
13. A desire not to be the way she is -- "too sensitive," etc.
14. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions.
15. A reluctance to come to conclusions (about any decision, it might be the wrong one).
16. A desire to escape or run away.
17. A belief that what s/he does best may be what s/he does worst.
18. A tendency to live in the future -- "Everything will be great when/after .........."
19. A distrust of future relationships.

Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit.  It takes the joy and vitality out of life.  It distorts reality because the abuser's response does not correlate with the partner's communication.  The partner usually believes the abuser is being honest and straightforward.

Source:  The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Maria123 wrote:

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The following is a list of primary consequences of verbal abuse.  The partner of a verbal abuse may experience:

1. A distrust of their own spontaneity.
2. A loss of enthusiasm
3. A prepared, on-guard state
4. An uncertainty about how s/he is coming across.
5. A concern that something is wrong with him/her.
6. An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
7. A loss of self-confidence.
8. A growing self-doubt.
9. An internalized "critical voice."
10. A concern that s/he isn't happier and ought to be.
11. An anxiety or fear of being crazy.
12. A sense that time is passing and s/he's missing something.
13. A desire not to be the way she is -- "too sensitive," etc.
14. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions.
15. A reluctance to come to conclusions (about any decision, it might be the wrong one).
16. A desire to escape or run away.
17. A belief that what s/he does best may be what s/he does worst.
18. A tendency to live in the future -- "Everything will be great when/after .........."
19. A distrust of future relationships.

Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit.  It takes the joy and vitality out of life.  It distorts reality because the abuser's response does not correlate with the partner's communication.  The partner usually believes the abuser is being honest and straightforward.

Source:  The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

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My God!  I am all of the above!  It hurts badly, but am trying to work through it.  Thank you, each and every one of you, who responded to this thread... your words gave my situation validation, I see I am not the only one going through this pain, and I see that some of you have been able to successfully get through it.  That gives me great hope!