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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Lost my father to A last month how do I let go of the anger that gets me down everyday????
Post Info TOPIC: Lost my father to A last month how do I let go of the anger that gets me down everyday????
missing out


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Lost my father to A last month how do I let go of the anger that gets me down everyday????
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Well... I don't really no were to begin with this one.... I have been try'n for the last month to get my mind straight, and I just can't... My Father is/was an A... I lost him this past thanksgiving, and ever since I can not swing the fact that I am SOOO Extremely Pissed at him, and I don't know what to do with my self... Lt. back round: My father had (5) to (3) differant women. (And those are just the ones we KNOW OF), and of the 5 kids, my oldest sister (Another A) quit speakin to him about 12 years ago, I am the next oldest, my next brother (Another A) is getting worse by the day with his drinking, and my to youngest sibliings just never got the time I did with dad and they are fighting that... I excepted that my father was "Sick" a LONG time ago, I excepted that the choice was his to make all I could do was offer myself to him, and tried to get him to meetings, and he said he didn't have a problem... Now being the closest to him at the time of his death, I just can't shake being pissed... How is it, I can except it when he is here and now that he is gone I am SOOOO Pissed it keeps me up at night, just wanting to "Cuss" him... How can I get this hole out of my stomach and move past this, and yet, find a way to be "OK" in my life and my choices when it comes to my brother... How do I make sure that my son does not have these very same demons to fight when he is older, how do I teach him a better life... I to am an (A) at least I feel I am... I gave up the heavy drinking when my son was born and it truly changed my life, but I still fear that if something (BIG) was to happen, would I run back to the very same bottle that I feel, took my father from me a month ago... How do I get these thoughts OUT of my head, and just except it... I loved my father with all my heart... And I know in my heart of hearts that he was VERY aware of that... And he was a good hearted person, but he could not lay the bottle down... I had watched him try, and everytime he never had the strength or the willpower to keep it that way... My father was a "Follower" in a sence that if there was a "Drug" around and it was easy to get, he had it... That is when I was just a child myself, he did Coke, which later down the line cost him his marriage to my mother, and the loss of his 1st (3) kids, and before the habit was done, he lost our home, our farm, our animals... Pretty much everything we called home...There is so much more that I could go on & on for ever, but right this minute, today... I want to NOT BE MAD AT HIM... I want to love the man I know deep down that was my father, and not the A that he was when he died!!! How do I get there from here??? Any & all sugguestion, comments somethings... I am looking for HOPE!!! Thanks for listening to my babble...

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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!
Mandy123


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Missing Out,
Welcome to the board. I see that this is your first post and I am glad you found us.

First, I have no idea how you feel, but I am sending prayers your way.

Second, Anger is all a part of the natural grieving process and to me it seems to me that you will get passed it, but it will be one day at a time. There is a lot there to grieve about. One thing I do is when I am really angry at someone and know I need to get it out, but it isn't appropriate to let it out on the person or I am not able to I write them a letter.Knowing they will never see it I say the things I really want to get out. It works for me. And then sometimes I re-read it and re-write what I previously said in a nicer way and give it to the person.

I have three beautiful children and I have concerns for them becoming active in the disease. What I do...I go to alanon. I keep them around program people. I am honest with them about the disease while being age appropriate with them. It may help them, but it helps me and I will be better equiped to handle thier choices. I can't control thier decissions.

Do you go to alanon meetings? Is there ACOA meetings in your area?

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall

God is seldom early, but he is never late.
abbyal


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Welcome to MIP - am so sorry for your loss . Please try al anon meetings for yourself it will answer your questions and give u some understanding so u can let the anger go . His drinking was never about you or anyone else for that matter , this is a disease and it's progressive it only gets worse .  If yo want to help your children help your self first . this program will change your life for the better , your worth it . good luck  Louise

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shellyj123


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     Welcome MissingOut, so very sorry for your loss but glad you found your way here.  As others wrote anger is part of the grieving process and you have every right to feel it.  I am learning this myself, as we speak, and it is hard to do, but I am trying.  In order to move through it I must feel it, and get it out and let it go.  This program can show you many tools to help you learn how to deal with things.  In the end though, with your son, I found with mine that the best way to lead is by example.  I no longer hide my feelings from my son which is a BIG thing for him and I both, and he knows all about my 12 steps and asks about different things as I am reading through my literature.
     As for dealing with other alcholics that are still present in my life I have found the program to be a blessing.  I realized after 10-11 years that I am powerless.....no matter how much I love someone, try to protect them, change them, mother them or smother them-in the end ultimately it's not up to me and NOTHING I can do will change them or their drinking.  I can however make a better life for my son and I.  I can focus on making myself healthy and whole again.  And I can learn the tools to have alcoholics in my life (such as family) and not react to their problems and stresses and make them my own.  This program and these people sharing their ESH can help soooooooo very much and keep me sane when I think I just can't make it another day, but I do........One day at a time.....that's all we have is the gift of today........Make it count and take care of u and your son.....
Make a whole, healthy, happy life for both of you......Keep coming back it works if you work it-it really does..
Trying really hard to KISS,
Shelly
    

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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!

Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Prayin' on it, Stayin' on it, I will survive it.

If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
maresie


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a month is really not that long since someone passed.  In lots of cultures they allow themselves to grieve a whole year.  Grieving is a process.  For some people it has many stages.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross said it was denial, anger, bargaining, sadness acceptance. I don't believe it is in that particular order either.  My mother died 7 years ago. Guess what I'm still pretty angry at her and I'm very very angry at the way one of my sisters behaved afterwards.  I don't know that we get to acceptance by willing it.  A grief support group can help (you'd be suprized how many people come from dysfunctional families), ACOA can help.  Knowing that you can come here and express yourself can help too.  Let your feelings run their course, don't force them. 

I'm still dealing with anger at my childhood.  I've been in therapy for a long long time.  I no longer put a time limit on it.  Who says how long it should be?  I don't.  I just try to work on what's in front of me and work on boundaries and all kinds of things I did not learn as I grew up in a dysfunctional place.

Maresie.

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maresie
missing out


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Mandy... thank you, for taking the time to think of me... I have been writing because I too use that as a tool, I sat down christmas eve and cussed him like a sailor in a blog just trying to get some of the anger released, and usually that would do it for me, but this time, I just can't shack it... I dad was sooo simple, yet difficult all in one.. He was a loner, and was OK with that... Didn't mind having nothing, and at times I enved how he got thru with nothing, but really he didn't have nothing, he had alcohol...
    I have never been to Alanon, but I am going to see if it can get me to place were I can be happy with myself, and truthfully right now, that is my only focus, getting me back to being me... Growing up with an A, I don't no how to ask for help, so this is all new to me... soooo thank you for your input, and if you ever need a favor in return, please look me up.... Thanks again....

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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!
missing out


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Shellyj123.....smileThank you for getting me here..... I love ya lady.... Together we will get it right... Thank you for thinking and caring for me and mine... I love ya for it....smile To our better tomorrow...

-- Edited by missing out at 20:52, 2008-12-30

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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!
ESH


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Anger & rage!  Yep, been there, doing that, too.  It seems like it will never end at times.  Then good days come, then we slip back again.  It feels so out of control, and being out of "control" is what causes the greatest discomfort. 

You have endured a lot of losses along the way in terms of your Dad... not just his final death.  People get traumatized by A's; the terror of their death is always on our minds. 

I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you can find some comfort here; and that you know that you are not going crazy for feeling the way that you do.  Hugs to you and your family.

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wp


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I do know how you feel, and all I can say is get to alanon, and try to sort out the bitter and the sweet for yourself.

wp aka pw

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brownmf


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I read this line by Anne Lamott that ran something like "forgiveness is not forgetting what happened but giving up all hope of a better past."
I don't know if that helps at all, but it came to mind when I read your post.

I wish you the best of luck in working through your anger!

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missing out


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Brown....WOW... I read that quote like 30 times and I finally after running it thru all those times it made sense... ALOT OF SENSE.... Almost to much...lol... Thank you for that, and for making me see thru my rose covered glasses that have had me walking thru life with blinders on.... So thank you so much....

Love and hugs to all...

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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Lost my father to A last month how do I let go of the anger that gets me down everyday????