The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I would like to say hello to everyone. It's been a long time since I've visited this board on any regular kind of basis. I've been in and out just as I have been with Al-Anon over the years.
I was just reading today's page in the Courage to Change and boy, this one speaks to me.
"I played the martyr role for a long time. My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity"
When I read those two lines I think back over my summer and can see it glaring back at me. I was very much a victim in my own mind this past summer and played the martyr role for all it was worth. I'm not beating myself up over it, just recognizing it. It was a tough summer and not only was I not going to meetings but had not been in a long time and was ready to never go again since I was now leaving my AH and wanted nothing to do with alcoholics, or the program.
Looking back I truely believe this was my sickest moment ever. I would tell my sad story of injustice to anyone who would stand still long enough to hear it. Person after person would agree how horrible the whole thing was and how aweful my AH was behaving. No wonder I didn't want to go to a meeting, I was getting far too much from my own self pity. Someone in Al-Anon might point out that I may have a role in this and I sure didn't want to hear that. I spent months continuing to completely assassinate my AH and his AGF's character wherever I went and to whom ever I spoke too.
Although I wanted nothing to do with alcoholics, I started seeing a very nice, understanding alcoholic who is five years in AA. He very gently nudged me back to the rooms of Al-Anon and I even found the courage to do something I hadn't been able to do for the first ten years of being in and out of the program.....ask someone to be my sponcer.
This year has been a bumpier journey then usual but as it comes to a close I see how worth it it has all been. How freeing it is now that I have made a decision to start looking at myself honestly. I could never have done this without all the people in Al-Anon who understand and don't judge. As I am learning now......my fragile ego could never have taken the same kind of abuse and judgement I was dishing out. Who knows, maybe one day, far, far in the future I may even be able to make an amends for my behavior this summer? Ya, or maybe I'll cross the bridge if and when I ever get to it.
Anyway, just felt like sharing that.....you know.......facing another fear.
And welcome back not matter how you were nudged. Let the healing restart again. I also did the martyr routine and was good at it also and in the end not good enought for it to work as well as this program.
I was such a martyr around the ex A. I am no longer willing to play those roles but they fit me to a tilt for a long long time. I have to watch myself constantly that I am not in Karpman's. I watch my self constantly that I need to be around people who accept me as I am.
