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I met this guy online that I think I will really like and we could possibly hit it off. I find myself obsessing again. My mind filling up with thoughts of him, what ifs, oh no he didn't text me back did he hate that picture? Am I not what he thought? ETC ETC ETC....
I get so mad at myself, at least I can recognize that I'm doing it. I want to stop it so much but it's like auto pilot, it just takes over and I have to work SO HARD to change my thinking. I think I'm doing better, I have such a hard time with the unknown and wanting something so much but having it be completely out of my control. So I know, it's progress not perfection. I just wanted to get that out there because I know that it's partly desperation of being alone for over two years and feeling hopeless about finding love ever again. But it's also same ol me letting my mind start to wander to the the wedding ceremony instead of living for today and just being hopeful for the best and grateful when things go my way - and more so - getting over it when it doesn't!!!!
I was sharing at a meeting that a guy asked me out and in the 3 DAYS between him asking me out and the date, I had married him, gone thru a messy divorce with him and really despised him by the time the actual date came about. Needless to say it was one date because in my mind he was a horrible jerk! Talk about crazy!!!
So, yeah, I know what you mean. This guy I am seeing now, I stopped myself from projecting at all. I didn't think about the what if's (how will his family like me, will he be a good dad to my kids, can I be a good step mom to his kid, how will I ever fill his wife's shoes--she died) I stuck just to what I should and should not talk about during our date (DO NOT talk about crackhead ex, DO NOT talk about insane mother, DO NOT talk about my own screwed up past).
It was a really nice date and I think we will have another! I have to say it was HARD to not talk about my insanity. Because alot of it is funny! He is not in the program, I don't even know if he knows what a 12 step program is. So, that is weird for me also.
God, I get so excited just on the prospect that he might be a good guy with something going on for himself (that's rare here). I just feel like I want it to happen so bad it's killing me - I haven't been on a date in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long!
That future tripping is stinking thinking, and it is hard to stop. I don't have the dating situation that both of you are in, but still do it about plenty of other things. I think focus on myself and gratitude lists help, but the thing that helped me the most was working through a book on affirmations. Part of the reason I am scared of the future is that don't think I can handle what may come. Affirmations helped me rewrite my inner dialog to tell myself that all will work out as it should. That helps to give me confidence and helps me to stop the obsessing.
It's still a struggle though most times. I think turning off the negative just takes lots and lots of practice.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
yes, I am right there with you all. I totally get what you are talking about. Its the disease that we have, ladies.
I have no good advice here just wanted to drop a note that I understand.
I think the tip that Seren mentioned about just staying in the present moment as much as possible is good. Also, for me, staying deeply (and I do mean really FORCING myself here) into participating in what I usually participate in fully like running, exercising, al anon, etc. Its so odd but sometimes the things I love to do seems to kind of drop away or become secondary when I get in a relationship and that is a big huge no-no for me.
The other thing I need to do is really stay in touch with what I am feeling in each moment. This is hard for me. I just went through a thing where I was devastated when I broke up with someone I really did not like that much anyway!!! LOL!! it was the IDEA of him that I was in love with, not the reality of him! LOL! Thats MY disease, that is for sure. Its like any guy standing in there will do- doesnt matter who the heck they are- really sick, I am!! Hugs, J.
Well as you well know I am Ms Rush into relationship. I think the cue is to look at all the stuff you've done wrong in the past and look at that. I also work daily on meeting my own needs. If someone demands more of me than I have to give I cue in on that. I put with such bad behavior in the past. If even a friend is obnoxious or not taking care of themselves I don't hang around anymore.
I'm watching a friend of mine go through people pleasing and giving himself away I did that for decades.
The fact you are catching yourself obsessing is a great thing. I dressed up my obsessing and I was loathe to give it up.
I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy to meet someone who was a match I'm just skeptical these days. I know I have to take care of myself regardless. My days of handing my life over to someone else are over.
I am so impressed, ladies! Honestly, I can't even imagine going on a date. I have a good friend going through a divorce too (her spouse is an ACA and a bike riding addict) and just the other night we made the New Years Resolution of having one date this next year. Yep, just one each, and we both laughed and thought that was a pretty lofty goal.
So, in regards to the obsessing thing, I can see how that can happen. Sometimes I get afraid that I will never have the opportunity to do things differently. I understand what you mean about having a "hopeless feeling about finding love ever again". And now you are going on a date, how great is that! You give me hope!
So, good for you CG, I hope you can just enjoy what is.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This is part of what led me to alanon in the first place ...
I've been with my A partner for over several years, and in the beginning, my A was dealing with a drug addiction. I spent 2 years on a drug addiction Web site talking about the same thing Every Day .. I would log in .. tell them what an absolute Jerk he was, and wait for my consolation poor me replies .. which came for several months Before anyone began to tell me to get to alanon .. In fact, they told me they weren't going to talk to me anymore until I did Of course I lied and told everyone I had gone.. received a couple more weeks of sympathy, but of course now i know what a crock that was to them as now i Have the program and of course nothing was changing because nothing had changed..
During this time, though, I had met another girl who was with a guy, same situation as mine more or less, and when the room grew tired of us, we took it to e-mail .. afterall, we were comlete victims
Every Single Day we would type back n forth.. Can you believe he did this to me ? he said/did this, he said/did that .. One day in the middle of my posting, my higher power (i'm sure) who had always been with me .. made me sit back and really Look at this email i was typing .. Every Single Line, Every Single Word, for days, months, 2 years.. was All about Him .. There wasn't one other line about anything but .. That was when I really looked and just stared in unbelievable disbelieve at my e-mail and my first aha moment had begun .. I could see that i was entirely obssessed .. and that's when i first recognised my part and how i was effected by this family disease ..
Later on I recognised Obssession Period was part of my own disease .. It was Never about Him .. It was about me and 'my problem' with obssessing .. I obssessed on him, I obssessed on bills, I obssessed on my behaviors, I obssessed on others, I carried negatives instead of positives.. If several people in a room complimented me and one person insulted me, i obssessed on the one insult the rest of the evening, days, nights, etc., it was never about any of these things, just again my own obssessing..
Just last night, the ladies and i in a face to face were laughing because I had shared I had the hamster in my head that would get a thought and Run with it onto the wheel and compulsively turn the wheel over and over again .. The joke was regarding naming the hamster.. it was the way it was said that was so funny ...
I don't know if this helps ...
i do understand where you're coming from .. when i looked up the word Obssession in the dictionary, it began to mention unwanted thoughts .. we usually pick the negative and that's what we obssess on ..
helps me to remember .. if i try to change My Own thinking on My Own The only tool i have to use is my Own distorted, confused, insane thinking .. I never could do it alone and all my own choices and thinking got me into the mess i was in when i walked through the doors of my first meeting .. When I begin to reason things through with others in alanon, it finally makes sense..
Of course I lied and told everyone I had gone.. received a couple more weeks of sympathy, 
but of course now i know what a crock that was to them 
as now i Have the program and of course nothing was changing because nothing had changed..
he said/did this, he said/did that .. One day in the middle of my posting, my higher power (i'm sure) who had always been with me .. made me sit back and really Look at this email i was typing .. Every Single Line, Every Single Word, for days, months, 2 years.. was All about Him .. There wasn't one other line about anything but .. That was when I really looked and just stared in unbelievable disbelieve at my e-mail and my first aha moment had begun .. I could see that i was entirely obssessed .. and that's when i first recognised my part and how i was effected by this family disease ..