The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all recall my rejection experience last weekend with the A. Me getting drunk and throwing myself at him and he not even wanting to have sex with me. You know the next morning still intoxicated I told him that my heart couldn't take it anymore and that we could be friendly but no longer friends. Well, I have since seen him at Christmas breakfast, Eve, etc. We have hugged and been friendly but no real conversation. He was very quiet. Anyway, I had a great time and managed not to gauge my time by his mood. Well, today he called and left me a message to call him back. We do have a child together so it could have something to do with my little one, but he has VERY RARELY called about him. Part of me wants to call him back just to see what it is and part of me really doesn't want to hear his voice. What do you think...?
My concern is that you're chemical free first. Alcohol interferes with everything as you have learned here regardless of whether it is he who is on it or you. It also affects your little one now and long term.
Take care of first things first and keep coming back.
I am currently chemical free- 15 days actually. I agree that the alcohol definitely confuses the issue even if it is only in binges. It was as if I used the binges to justify reaching out to the A when I knew it wasn't in my best interest. I would go 3 weeks with no contact with him then go on a binge in both senses of the word. I would drink and then with my inhibitions down begin to call him repeatedly. I guess the question now is should I respond to him when we both (or I )am sober or is that just putting my self and sanity in harm's way? Or is it avoidance? By the way, it was 2 weekends ago that the incident with the A occurred not last weekend- I have not drank since.
CoDe, keep as much of your attention on yourself and not him. You decision is yours but if I were in your shoes I would not "take" him just like you are not "taking" alcohol or drugs at this time. You cannot know if he is sober or not and in a way, it hardly matters. All that matters is you. Not binging is so new to you, keep the focus on you not binging/using- get some more time under your belt being sober. The longer you are sober, the better and more clear things will become. Its going to take some time for things get clear. Hugs, J.
I agree, focus on you. I find myself drinking so I can smoke, pretty much the same as you drinking so you can reach out to him and not feel - but in reality we always feel it later when we disrespect ourselves. Every day is a new day. I have virtually no communication with my son's father. It took me a while to get a child support order and go to court for full custody but you know what? If I can fight for my son then he sure as heck can too. If it's about your son and he's really interested, he'll fight for it. I suspect it's about losing your undying attention, we always want what we can't have and when you said no more and actually followed thru that put you in that category. I'd let it lie and I'd get really really busy with a whole lot of other things. I'm signing up for ballroom dancing classes next week, before that I took some classes at the community college. I go out and sing karaoke, go dancing, yesterday I went to the beach (gotta love NC). Fill it up, make your life so full of yourself and your son that you don't have time to think about him. It worked for me, it'll work for you. I know how it is - intruding obsessive thoughts of him - but eventually they will go away and your mind will start to fill up with other things. I dont' know about anyone else but I have DEFINITELY been there!
The Ex A who I was with regulalry calls. He no longer leaves a message thank goodness. I don't answer. I don't call back. I have nothing left to say.
I stopped drinking alcohol at all when I was with the A. I think personally it contributed to my stupid decision to hook up with him in the first place. I know it was also something we shared together. Stopping drinking was one part of it. I was not in a program so I didn't get to reap the benefits of sobriety. Since I've been in Al anon its been boundary 101 day in day out. These days I don't have that much time at all for people who don't care of themselves. I have blinders that are focused on getting to take care of me.
I think for us alanon's there is this sneaky disease that believes the A may someday get sober and some other woman or man will reap all the benefits. There are some great ideas about that in Getting them Sober and other recovery texts.
You are doing so good staying sober and not abandoning yourself why test it out?
