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We made it through xmas okay and I'm glad it's over. So anyway, concerning him staying gone on the weekends, just when I decided not to care anymore, he's not staying gone as much and he's calling me telling me what he's doing, where he's going. Not like I believe anything he's saying but it doesn't matter.
He has been kind of annoying lately, snapping at me some, trying to blame me for things, I didn't buy this or that kind of food, stupid things. I remember him doing that when he first quit drinking. Well maybe me getting back into my program is reflecting on him like it has before (unconsiously I think) and he does't like it.
So when he called me earlier I was proud of myself. He said he was going to see the friend he hangs with a lot for a while. Guess what I said? I said "Okay", wow it wasn't easy. So right now I feel it's more important to me to be able to use my tools and be calm than to be upset about him being somewhere else. A lot of times my old thinking gets in the way. Even if I don't show old behavior I still have it inside (a lot of times) and I need to change that.
So what does my attitude change tell me? Even though I decided not to care, I still do, but I guess by just telling myself I don't care it helps in letting go of some things and it helps with my serenity. Hope that makes sense.
Thank you for being here. Can't wish for anything better.
I was thinking of where you are and where I've been. I've been in those same shoes with my own A ... We've been together for 7 years and he's the one who led me to this program. I went because I felt crazy and was trying to change him. I stayed because I recognized that I was obssessed with what he did and where he went. Later on, I recognized even further obssession in general was part of my own disease .. If i wasn't obssessing on him, i would just be obssessing on something else over and over ..
My sponsor from day one has always told me that we have to have it in us to give it away .. when i think back to my own insanity in the early days, I was able to laugh at it all for the first time with her. In fact, I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my eyes and my stomach hurt ..
For instance.. One night i went to his place when he was staying in his apartment .. During this time, he was actively using and hanging around a rough crowd. When I got there, the guy who lived upstairs was there and they lied to me and told me there was noone else inside. When i pushed open the door, I saw this guys entire family and group of buddies there and I went off .. I actually sat and told these people they didn't know him like I did .. I ran down a list of his dirt and literally shamed him in front of them and ofcourse I mentioned how much i've put up with him and how good i've been to him.. quite embarrassing ( i would never act this way now) but at that time, would you believe in my own insanity i reallly thought they would be thinking to themselves, how could you let her go ? she's the best thing that ever happened to you ? i even left him with a cold cup of coffee dripping down his neck..
I see the humor in this now but didn't back then ..
later on when i finally reached the point where i too was able to allow him room to make his Own choices and just say Okay .. this is when i personally recognized my own Growth .. I realized i was able to show him respect and give him his dignity because i personally was developing self respect and dignity inside .. this was a lightbulb moment and from then on i realized more fully what my sponsor meant when she said we have to have it in us to give it others .. I realized i did have it in me .. this is why i was able to give it to him ..
My AHsober came for Christmas (he stayed 24 hours but who's counting - he, he). In that 24 hours, he criticized me for getting stuck in the snow in the driveway, told me I controlled my family, him and my sons, said that I have two choices - to divorce him amicably or go to court with him, told me that he went out with a buddy and that he didn't want to go anywhere with me, gave me a nice earring/necklace set for our annniversary even tho we have been separated for three years, said he took out all "his" investments and he is investing on his own, announced that he was leaving, and then called to tell me that he made it safely to "his" home. Go figure. Alcoholics act, we react. I kept it in toll pretty well. But as I write this down, I am marvelling at what he says to me. I need better boundaries.
