The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ex ABF is sober 10yrs and in recovery-working program. I have several other people I know who are also in the program-mostly AA. eXABF says things and I hear things from others that I am struggling with....."Focus on yourself......focus on you". Seems to me that if we all were that selfish and self centered the world would be a pretty crappy place if all we did was care about ourselves. And what about "I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings?" If you mistreat people and play with their emotions etc, then you can darn sure bet you are responsible. And "letting go"....isn't that just like doing nothing and being lazy??? I work in a place where people do nothing all day......my tax dollars support this. Didn't God give us a will of our own and a brain, knowledge, hopes, dreams and desires?? Does He really want us to just do nothing and sit and be still and HOPE it all works out?? I mean what about God helps those who help themselves?? And what about "courage to change the things I can"? Doesn't that require some action??? I'm in NO WAY knocking the program......it has helped me sooo very much to this point in my life.....and I know it is about taking what you like and leaving the rest. I am just looking for some input here to help me get back on the right track and would appreciate some insight from others. These little questions keep popping into my head and I need to find a place for them, and some guidance. thanks for letting me share trying to KISS Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Just for me . . . I don't listen to those who try to bring down whatever is making me happy. Typically A's hate when we are in program because we just might learn something new and that is threatening to them (at least I have found).
Have you read the daily reader "Courage to Change, One day at a time in Al-anon?" There is a lot of ESH on everything you've asked. One of the things I learned was "balance". Balance in my life, balance is others, balance in this program.
Another one of my favorite quotes is my signature below my name. Check out the book, you will find much ESH there.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Perhaps the root issue in your struggle is the same one I had for some time, which was trust. Trust in the program, trust in HP, trust in myself. Until I reached a point where I was ready to surrender and trust, there seemed to me to be missing pieces to the program. This search for what was missing lead me away from the program for a while, but I eventually returned when I came to realize that the principles of the program really are good enough as they are.
Thank you for responding, it means a lot. I think trust could be a BIG issue right now and never realized that until you wrote it. I am having a lot of trust issues with the situation with EXABF and others and maybe I am letting that spill over into my program. I also realized that maybe I am just trying so hard to get past the hurt, pain, etc, that I am getting in my own way........... What a wonderful place this is........what wonderful people........thank you all so much.........I was sooooo afraid to even post this-thinking everyone would "attack" and once again He showed me I am in the right place......
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Hi Shelly, What I found when I came into the program, was that just about everything I had been doing naturally, I had to stop... because it was ultimately hurting me.
As a codependent, I thought I was being helpful, even "kind" to be offering my advice and doing for others (what they should be doing for themselves!) I thought I was a great person. What I found was that my unsolicited advice was not welcome, it was pushing people away from me as I believed I had all the answers for everyone. This was not only arrogant of me, but it was also hurting me. Yet, I am finding, most people behave this way... it seems natural. And when it happens to me, when someone asks me how my weekend went for example and I tell them what happened and then they proceed to tell me what I "should have done".... I find it sooooo offensive!!! Because I didn't ask! After being in the program, I recognize that I was practicing this unhealthy behavior all day long in the past. yuck
Now, It helps me to visualize a circle around my feet and yours. I stay in my circle, you stay in yours. Boundaries! You be "you" in your circle, I'll be "me" in mine. This is not selfish, it is healthy. Yet, I was raised to believe otherwise, I even saw a church billboard once that read, "God first, then your neighbor, then you." WOW That is totally outrageous to me now, but I grew up believing I should come last. Now I know that HP comes first in my life... His will be done always! I come next, I focus on myself, trying to align myself with HP. Only then, do I have something good to give to anyone else. (And, it helps to remember that everyone has their own HP...)
If you continue to dive into the program, I expect that you will understand much more. I devoured all the literature I could and bought many books in both programs. My life greatly improved as I began to practice the principles and use the tools. In my 40's, I am finally learning what "healthy" looks like. The people I once pushed away, are back in my life again. There are no words for my gratitude! Many blessings! Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Focus on myself applies as much to Al-Anons as it does to As. It is not about being selfish as much as it is about self-care. I have heard it compared to being on an airplane and the stewardess telling passengers that in the event of an emergency, to place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. This was a difficult concept for me to accept because I was raised to help others (as were most Al-Anons, I think). But I have come to realize that I am no good to anyone else, if I don't take care of myself first.
The saying "what other people think of me is none of my business," is about doing the next right thing for your recovery without worrying about what others will think about it or me. As with most Al-Anons, I have struggled for what seems to be my entire life to make everyone else happy. I have always worried about what others think about me and what I am doing. Is my house clean enough? Is my job good enough? Now, I live my life concerned (most days) only about whether I am living my program with integrity and if I am doing what my HP wants of me.
Letting go, for me, is about letting go of my compulsion to try to control other people, places and things. Over the years, my instinct to care for others was transformed into something less selfless. I wasn't even aware of it, but it became about trying to manage, manipulate and orchestrate event and people around me. Now, I let go other others and leave them to the care of their HP. I keep the focus on myself, take care of my responsibilities, try to do the next right thing and trust in my HP. It is not about "doing nothing." To me, letting go is active and not passive.
One thing I try to keep in mind is that all of these concepts can be used for "evil" as well as for "good." They can be used as excuses for not taking responsibility for ones own actions or for continuing to engage in old behaviors so as to avoid doing the footwork to make the changes necessary to deal with the "isms" of the disease. Just because someone attends meetings or is sober, doesn't necessarily mean that he/she is in recovery. Recovery, to me, is working my program daily--reading literature, attending meetings, applying the Steps and Traditions in my everyday life.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Your questions are very good ones. You do not ever need to apologise for asking questions. That is how we learn and it is also how we further clarify things we already know.
So to your questions... Focus on You- To me this means self-care. There is a difference between self-seeking, self-centered behavior and self-care. I was always taught that selfish was a bad thing. I have now learned that is not true. There are extremes to everything. Selfish in a bad way is greed, ego, etc. Selfish in a good way is indepenence, confidence, knowing what I need and putting my needs first in the context of keeping me healthy and strong for the betterment of all concerned. This keeps me from being a drain on others.
Behaviors like doing for others what they should do for themselves doesn't "help" them, it makes them dependent on me. This gives me an inflated sense of ego to think others have to have me manage thier lives cause they aren't strong enough to do it themselves. This is self-seeking behavior and others resent it for good reason. It shows them that I believe that they are weak and incapable.
I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings- means that we are all responsible for how we look at the world. Many people that I know like to use thier "feelings" as a tool for manipulating others. If I have a bad day and get angry with you over some stupid thing, you have the choice of getting angry back and we both feel bad, or you can think to yourself, "Gee, she's having a bad day. I bet her anger has nothing to do with me." and you can go on about your happy day with empathy and understanding, knowing that I am a free thinking adult who can figure out how to get myself out of my own self-imposed emotional funk. I am then allowed the DIGNITY of managing my own emotions without someone elses interference.
If I wrong someone, I am responsible for my own poor behavior, but not for thier feelings. I cannot MAKE anyone feel anything, good or bad, regardless of my behavior.
Letting go- is not about doing nothing. We don't let go of EVERYTHING. It's about knowing what things we can affect a change in and not wasting time butting our heads against things we can't. If I want to know what I'm needing to let go of, I say the Serenity Prayer, and ask for the wisdom to know the difference. If I still on't know for sure I try to let go of that too, and meditate a bit until the answer comes. I have learned that If I am unsure if I should do something then it is usually best to do nothing until I am sure. Sometimes an answer will come, and sometimes I find that things have worked themselves out better without my interference.
One thing that I try to keep in mid is that I have ben conditioned over the years by this disease to just react without thinking. It is still sometimes my first thought to, "HURRY, DO SOMETHING OR THE SKY WILL FALL!" Now I stop and think, first.
Of course all of this is just my own humble understanding of the program.
Hope it helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The people I once pushed away, are back in my life again. There are no words for my gratitude!