The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I made it through Christmas, I only broke down hysterically crying once today - which was Christmas day, I started the day off journaling - "Well, here it is Christmas morning. I should be preparing to watch my kids open gifts around my own tree, in my own house with the man I love. But I am camped out in my parents house and my kids are sleeping on air mattresses, my life has been reduced to a pile of stuff in my parents' garage. Why is this happening? I could say it is because my loser boyfriend is an alchoholic, has completely lost his mind forcing us to leave. I mean, in all honesty that is true, but that isn't why I'm in this situation. I cannot allow myself to put the blame on anyone but me. The reason I'm sitting here is because of decisions that I made. No one forced me to jump into a relationship with an irresponsible drunk. I am sitting here because I didn't get to know him very well before we got serious, I ignored the red flags that he had serious problems, just because I wanted someone to love me. This is happening to me because I chose to jump into a relationship with a person I did not know very well. Impulsivity is one of my charachter flaws. I am alone because I chose a man who couldn't love me back. I am hurting because of me. I cannot blame anyone but me, but it still hurts like hell." I was feeling lonely sorry for myself because I had no one to cuddle up with while watching the kids open gifts, and later while I was sitting all alone while watching the traditonal christmas movies, but to be honest with you my ex bf A, would have never done things that with me even if he had been here today. I was missing an ideal, of what I wanted him to be like, I wasn't really missing him. To cope, I attened an online meeting, and then chatted with a friend online. I decided to re-read some of my journal entries, poetry and songs I had written last month before I left, it became obvioius to me that I have indeed made tremendous progress. My life improved immediatly the moment I took control of my life and left him. I am safe, and my life is mine again to do what I choose... I have control of me and my emotions, He is not here to mess wit my head, or pass out drunk on the floor expecting me to pick up the mess he leaves in his wake, only to find fault with everything I had done after he wakes up. Over all, my life is getting better everyday. I have my moments where I feel sad, but I think things are going to work out. I'm going to be okay. Praise the Lord for that! When I was still in my abusive relationship I wrote the song written below. Reading it reminds me of how strong I am becoming and how weak I was back then... It gives me hope, to contrast where I am now with where my head was a month ago when I wrote that. I distinctly remember my desperation, everyday I would pray for God to deliver me from my situation because I didn't see a way out. My life was controlled by Alchohol and abuse and I was trapped! God came through! He did deliver me and then he let me find Alanon! What an answer to prayer everyone is here, I will never stop feeling that way!
"Nothing to Say" journal entry from Nov. 1, 2008
I used to have a lot to say, then darkness came and took the day
Ive given up, and thats okay, I just dont have a lot to say.
Pain is present everyday since darkness came and took the day
I cannot wrap my head around the sights the thoughts the depths the sound
Surrender is my only vice, I cannot breathe I cannot fight
Tomorrow will be just like today, Ive given up and thats ok
Complacency is all I know, I wait, I grieve, I hurt, I slow
From every thing Ive ever known, Ive given up, just let me go
Time is passing, nights eternal, the hour is coming and Im just neutral
I see the fire in his eyes, hes dead, and dying cant hear my cries
Sadistic passion to dispel, with no regard to how he fell
With no regard for what is mine, he has no sight he is so blind
I draw the curtains of my eyes, to hide from pain, to hide from lies
I am alone in this battle of sorts, mortally wounded, painfully scarred
Save me, Save me, Save me from me
Deliver me, Deliver me, Deliver me from me
Watch over me, Protect me, Protect me from me
I wonder can this ever end, I flinch as I feel darkness descends
And then will come the end - to what is holy
How I long to just be numb, But to the pain I will succumb
Self hatred grows- as I become, embracing the agony of defeat
-- Edited by 3boysandonegirl at 12:12, 2008-12-26
-- Edited by 3boysandonegirl at 12:27, 2008-12-26
-- Edited by 3boysandonegirl at 12:35, 2008-12-26
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M e l i n d a "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well." -Euphonia and the Flood
Thank you so much for sharing how you made it through Christmas and how far you have come in such a short time. You are truly awesome and have shown great courage!
I agree that Al-Anon is a Godsend, as are all the people who post here and who reply to our posts here. Please keep coming back, please keep putting you and your children first.
Welcome to MIP. I, for one, am so proud of you for taking care of your children first and foremost. Often us adults may feel like our lives are out of control when in actuality they are not. Children, however, are products of their parents and upbringing. It's better to be from a broken home than living in one.
in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
