The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sad right now. I can't even explain it!!! Not only did my AH drink all day, but he is making cutting remarks towards me and my family. My family is very close to me. Please help me right now!!!!!
I am so sorry--I have been there, done that and it is terrible. Can you put some distance between you and the A?? Sometimes, the best thing to do is to simply disengage from the A. Try to stay focused on you and your family. You are not responsible for the A. It is not your job to make excuses for him or to smooth things over when he acts like an ass. If he makes a mess of things, you do not have to try to rescue him or make him look better than he is behaving. You are responsible for only your own behavior. Remember that your family loves you and hang in there.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I have been there too, like SLS. When they drink, they say a lot of things they don't mean and like lots of others have said, they try to make those they love feel bad so they feel better, so they have control. Please don't take what he said personally. It's the disease talking. I know that's hard to do.
It is good to hear that your family is very close to you, as is mine to me. Take good care of you and your family. I fully agree with SLS. Come back here anytime. We care,
I suggest that you remind yourself of how sick he is, with a terrible brain disease. Try to detach from him, do not give his words any power, he is sick. We are powerless to change anyone. Pray for him.
You are beautiful. Your HP loves you and if you quiet yourself and get still, you will recognize that HP is there with you. Focus on this instead and let it transform your sadness.
You are very fortunate to have a close family, that is a beautiful blessing! I bet there are some other things that you may feel grateful for. Before you know it, you've made a gratitude list and you'll feel better.
Dismiss thoughts and fears about him. Choose thoughts that bring more peace.
Love, gladlee
-- Edited by glad lee at 23:15, 2008-12-25
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Right now he is sleeping (passed out) for the night. I would love to remind him of all things that he has said to me tomorrow morning, but he won't remember. That really sucks! He couldn't even help me play Santa to our 6 year old son, because he was toast. That really pisses me off!!!! But oh well right??????
It's good that you come here to family so that we can love your while you learn to love yourself. All the cutting remarks and putdowns are a part of the disease. Repeat in your belief systems that, "He is sick" and "It's all bs...not true" and then kill all expectations of getting even or making him realize. Those are things that have nothing to do with the letting go that I had to learn here.
He doesn't even suspect that there are people across the US and in other places who come here and come here for you. He's gotta want to stop his disease and go find help to find the people who will love him into sobriety.
I feel sad for him. No happiness in where he's at. Been there done that and by the grace of God and the fellowship of recovery will not be going back.
Oh hon, I know how bad it all hurts. This disease really takes the cake. I hope you can find some time to yourself now. I like to try to have some time to myself at the end of a rough day to just read or meditate and calm my nerves. I sleep better that way.
Do you have a sponsor or local phone list from a meeting? Maybe there is someone you could call to just help get your bearings. My phone list was a blessing from my HP for the first couple of years in this program.
Remember that his ravings are not about you. A's rage just because. It is not a reflection of your worth or who you are. It is actually more a reflection of who they are. They spew out the emotional poison that they feel inside. You are right that he won't remember and bringing it up is just a waste of your time and energy.
Try to get your focus back on you, and keep coming back here and let out your feelings and frustrations. We understand and you are not alone.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You say "oh well" about not being able to be Santa, but that is the downtrodden you.... Get yourself healthy, choose recovery for yourself, and then you can value yourself AND your 6-year old so much better.... Good for you in being here - it is a great start... Choose recovery for yourself, and your life WILL get better - with or without him....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
First of all - It is awesome that you are here reaching out for help! That is evidence that you are a strong person, even if you don't feel strong right now. You do not deserve to be spoken to the way that you described below! You are a precious - wonderful person. It sounds like your A is trying to control you and break you down so you can't stand up for yourself. Remember - THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR ABUSE! No one deserves that! Be sure you are safe, if you aren't sure you can call the domestic violence hotline if you need help acessing your situation, they are there to help, it's totally confidential, but be sure you call from a location where your A can't hear you or find/trace the number back to your cell or ground line. It's 1800-799-SAFE Verbal and Emotional Abuse is every bit as destructive as physcial abuse! Protect yourself and your son. The A in your life is a grown up - he can take care of himself - you need to focus on you! You are worth it!
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M e l i n d a "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well." -Euphonia and the Flood
I used to get so desperately upset that the Ex A I was with just wanted to get loaded on the holidays. Now when I look back on it I think my expectations were way way off. I have to constantly evaluate my perceptions and expectations.
