The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking about things I like about my abfsober, and sadly could not think of one. Maybe we are going tru a stage, I don't know. He changed so suddely over the last 1 1/2 months. Well, he is sober and that is great. If he had never quit, we would not be together now. At times, I think it does not make a difference if he's not around or he's around and immersed in the tv. Well, the only difference is when he's not around the Tv is usually off.
Then I thought about what the difference is between us being together or not being together. Well, if we did split up, the TV would rest a lot more, I probably would make smaller meals, I would struggle paying the bills by myself, would sleep in the bed by myself all of the time instead of half the time due to him falling asleep on the couch a lot).
I am surprisingly not depressed about this. I am feeling serenity today. That's what matters.
When I was going through relationship troubles with an old boyfriend way...back when, a friend posed a question to me: "Are you lonlier with him than without him?" Hmm... that was one I had to ponder. My answer eventually came to me. People change as they get sober. If you two have only known each other when he was active, then it's as if you have to get to know the sober person all over again. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are different. I needed my program more than ever when hubby got sober. We had known each before either of us had an idea that he was an alcoholic. He barely touched a drop in college.
I am glad you have found your serenity. Answers will come when we are most ready to receive them. Don't force them to come. Love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Holidays to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Piper Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Kari pretty much said it all... she is a smart lady. Try and remember he is going thru alot of changes as you are. You both have to work your own programs first, with change comes hope and patience.
You pose good questions. I don't know that I have been that honest with myself about my AHSober. However, any sobriety is such a gift. My AHsober has been sober for over 25 years. He use to be on the couch and then just moved out. When I am with him I just know he is going to notice me. When I am not with him I wonder if he is thinking of me - NOT! This is the nature of the disease. It sounds like you have a good perspective on him. I am working on building a full life without him.
I can not say I am lonelier with him than without him. Yes I have noticed, like you said, he has changed many times since he quit. Sometimes it is overwhelming to deal with it. Guess I get used to dealing with him a certain way, and then it changes. I thank you so much for your post and everyone elses. Karilynn, your hubby has such a good place in your heart. You are such a strong woman. I admire you.
You know I'm starting to really look at that so much of my codependence was about me feeling I had to endure. These days if I don't like someone I don't go out with them. If I feel uncomfortable I remove myself. If I'm not having a good time I don't go there. I know for me the "blow ups" were so often because of tons and tons of boundary issues and my not taking care of myself day in day out. I know it was about me. If you don't find yourself liking him do you have to be with him. Can you take a break?
I know for me that my commitment was to the Ex A it wasn't to taking care of me. I can get sucked into other people's crap in a second. So I have to be super super boundaried all the time and really work on what's good for me day in day out.
that was one I had to ponder. My answer eventually came to me. 
People change as they get sober. If you two have only known each other when he was active, then it's as if you have to get to know the sober person all over again. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are different. I needed my program more than ever when hubby got sober. We had known each before either of us had an idea that he was an alcoholic. He barely touched a drop in college. 