The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went ahead and stood my ground with my AW yesterday. I told her that her staying at home was no longer a negotiation and that she was to either find a recovery house or I would drop her off at a homeless shelter. She finally agreed to look up recovery houses and I told her she had until Thursday to have decided on one and made the appointments. It would seem however that that was too much time. She has since then been abusing benzodiazepines (ones that were unfortunately perscribed to her). She said she threw them all out but clearly she's been abusing them (can't walk, slurred speech, etc.). Today she had her first court day for two pending DUI charges she got prior to treatment. She was barely coherent during the hearing but of course managed to fool everyone and tell them she was only "sick." Once again, since they have been perscribed to her no one can say whether or not she's ACTUALLY abused them.
On the way home as I looked at her passed out in the car seat next to me I couldn't help but feel like she isn't going to make it. She's going to die. I even considered driving her to the emergency room (AGAIN!) but she would refuse treatment and they would let her go (she was still coherent at that point). I just spoke with my family and agreed that the only "wake up" call that she will listen to is if we call and have her arrested. One of the conditions of her bail for her last DUI was that she stay sober (which she has not).
I know that I have the best intentions and that her recovery is in her hands. But if she stays here she will die, and I will be responsible for her death. I cannot police her 24/7 and make sure she stays clean. She has not had to face any consequences of her out of control addiction. I'm at a total loss right now.
I've been to a f2f meeting every day for the last week. I've prayed for her, myself, and my family. I really feel like I have no more left in me to give. I don't want her to go to jail but I see no other alternatives at this point. At least in prison I know that she will be in a clean-secure environment.
Sorry if this post has rambled, I'm just trying to get everything out. I really need the help and support of my al-anon family and any prayers that you may have I will greatly appreciate.
you are in my very best and most positive prayers and thoughts this day, my friend.
You know that you do not have the power to deal with this and this is a great realization.
You know who/what does and you are handing her over to that power greater than yourself.
You need to do what is best for you and keep the focus on you. You can see that to continue as you have would enable her to continue as she has.
My sponsor once told me the story of her son. She turned her back completely on him knowing that if she did not, she was literally killing him. She is a very wealthy and powerful woman and she cut him off totally. She knew that to do anything else was murdering him. it was the most difficult choice of her life, she said, her own flesh and blood that came from her own body. But her love for him and HERSELF was stronger. She believed in a power greater than herself to take care of him and HP did. He hit bottom, almost died and has been clean and sober for 5 years, now.
He is a truly remarkable young man for having gone through what he has gone through and speaks of his experience in AA, NA and al-anon.
I am saying the Serenity Prayer for you my friend. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one slowly die. My AH did the same thing with drugs and alcohol. He was a walking skeleton when I finally made him leave. I told him that I loved him, but I couldn't save him from this. I knew I had to save myself and my son. I didn't give him any time. When I told him to leave, he had a few minutes to get his things, that's all. I didn't even let him take our only good running vehicle and leave my son and I an hour from town out in the boonies with no transportation.
It is not our job to keep giving them chances. It is not our job to give them a wake up call in any form. It is our job to take care of ourselves and not interfere with them finding thier own way. Calling the police and having her arrested only gives you false hope and a false sense of power, and gives her something more to resent so she can keep up her sick behavior.
There is nobody in this world who can keep her sober, but her. Not the dr, not the judge, not the police, not you, not her friend, not her parents. She does not need interference, she needs to be left to her own devices to make her own messes and find the strength in herself to clean them up. She can do it. SHE CAN DO IT.
I know this sounds a bit harsh, but it isn't. I had to look deep inside myself and find the respect for my AH that he is a full grown adult human being who is capable of taking care of himself. He can do it. He can make his own mistakes and clean up his own messes. There is strength in there and resiliency that we cannot see while the disease is in control. They make a huge effort to hide it. My AH acted like the biggest whiniest baby that ever lived. I even had his mother tell me one time how fragile a mans ego is and how I should be very careful not to hurt it. I think that was one of MY wake up calls. I thought to myself,"What?! Is she kidding!?!" No, she was quite serious. No wonder he acted like such an incapable child. That is how he was taught to act.
Later after several months of sobriety he told me that there were times when he even did it totally on purpose. That is how his parents act to each other. They are both A's, BTW.
So, please don't loose hope. There is always hope, but remember that your hope does not hang on what you can do for her. It is what she can do for herself that matters.
I found that the best way to support my husband was to make him leave, refuse to do anything for him he could do for himself, refuse to feel sorry for him, and tell him over and over, "I love you. I can't save you. You can do this." I quit asking anything of him and went about learning how to do for myself. I learned to have NO expectations, as he was not capable of doing anything for me and the kids at that time. He was fighting for his own life.
My AH will have 16 months sober on Sat. I know I will be fine whatever happens, whether he stays sober or not.
I am hoping for some serenity and faith for you. Keep coming back and I thank HP that we all have each other and this program. You are not alone.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Do you have the book Getting them sober. I thnk that Toby Rice Drew has the best advice on how to do an intervention and more. I know for me for years I drew the line really way over on what was enabling. If you read my share on a friend of mine who clearly has had a stroke you will see that I did not "take" him to the hospital. People have to get to the point of wanting help. I offered to go with him but I did not "make" him do anything. For years and years with my ex A I tried to make him do things. I got nowhere. In the end he got to the point of being homeless. Guess what he is still not sober as far as I know.
Detachment is such an art. For me it is daily daily practice. There is no way I could ever have told a friend of mine they are an adult and had to go to the hospital themselves. I would have camped out on their doorstep, called their children, stood on my head done all the kinds of things you are thinking of. Now after being in al anon for 4 years I can set limits, boundaries and mean them. I get better at them all the time. Unfortuantely I live a life where I need the boundaries and have to think daily how do I take care of myself here. I wish I did not.
My heart certainly goes out to you. I used to worry myself sick that the a would die. He did not. He carried on carrying on. There was no bottom for him. For some people the bottom certainly is death. For me as an overinvolved al anon not in recovery I took that personally. Taking care of myself was last on the list.
I'm not sure how you are taking care of yourself. I know for me exhaustion and over responsibility go hand in hand. There was also a huge huge toxic financial loss for me. I can't even imagine what it is for you with all those DUI's. I am a low bottom al anon. I had to be practically homeless to all intents and purposes before I would consider myself.
You do not have to "do" anything right this minute to make your wife be sober. If she has not got the message she needs to be sober yet maybe its going to take some more to get her there. As long as we are "doing" they do not "do" for themselves.
Aloha QuVat...You and your alcoholic and family are in my prayers. Great job on the meetings. letting go and using patience, tolerance and trust in your HP will work. What might help your addicted wife is a call to the local AA central office and asking them if they do 12 step calls to homes at a spouses request (yours). Having some recovering people from program AA or NA for that matter will put her face to face with those who have been where she is today. That is how AA started and gratefully Al-Anon also.
