The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH drank some tequila at 10 am yesterday morning, then slept the entire day and night. It was his day off - he said he hasn't slept through the night in months because of his knee surgery and that he got to thinking and just drank because he wanted to go to sleep. He once had 14 years sober - until he met me - obviously a double winner. Now he says he's just normal and that he's not an alcoholic, he's a buddhist. He acts normal and extremely supportive loving giving and kind most of the time, which is probably why i feel confused. So this morning he wanted our 2.5 years old to stay home with him so they could play. He seemed happy and back to normal. i told him i would feel better if i took him in to day care and he could go pick him up later after he was feeling better - so that's what i did. he sent me an email saying that he was sorry about yesterday. i sent one back saying: I know. Im not trying to be hard on you. Im just doing what I feel comfortable with being nice to me so I dont freak out. It really scares me when you drink or get depressed kind of triggers past memories. Then I get mad and insecure because I feel theres nothing I can do about it. Maybe it shouldnt have that affect, I dont know. I really love and care about you, and dont want anything bad to happen. I want to have an enjoyable Christmas.
In response to this email he called me at work and accused me of trying to punish him and said the email wasn't cool. and that i have been the most unstable one in the world for the past few months That i need to go somewhere else where i am comfortable(I've been swinging since his last relapse, but trying to act normal with panic attacks and depression) Since the last time we got in a fight and he drank. i am currently going to at least 1 meeting a week, seeing a therapist, and calling 2 people in the program every day. What's wrong with my email? what's my part in this?
From where I sit, and this is strictly MY opinion, the only thing wrong I see is expecting your AH to receive it like a normal, healthy human being. It's very sad - I know if I had sent that email to my AH I would have gotten pretty much the same, if not worse, response. So I don't write or say anything like that to him if I can help it - all it does is just give him ammunition to use against me in the future. Whether or not he gets a program, I simply can't continue to allow him to be my HP. I have to express those feelings and thoughts in a safe environment - here, for starters, just as you did.
My best suggestion for you at this point is to go to a meeting and/or talk this out with your sponsor or a trusted Al-Anon friend.
I'm sure there'll be other responses to your post as well from others who are further along in their recovery than I am :). I'll be watching!
(Ash) There was nothing wrong with you email. What I see in you Ash is a person working her program and taking care of herself and her child. You could ask 100 people if you did the right thing and I believe everyone of them would agree that you did the right thing.
As it was stated on this site a few weeks ago, alocholic's walk backwards and speak a different language. Your AH is going to cast blame on someone, and you are that someone. That is the same way it works at my house. That is part of my acceptance about this disease.
Remember some things never change, so keep working your program and taking care of yourself and your child. That is what is important.
Interpreting for an alcoholics actions is near impossible. From my own experience, there have been times where I expected a certain reaction from my AH and got the complete opposite. I realised that the problem was mine in having an expectation of a logical response from someone whose thinking is altered by this brain disease - whether they are actively drinking at the time or not. What I struggled with was my "right" to express my feelings to him even though I can't control his interpretation. Over the years, I'm much less likely to "download" on him - it hasn't given me the relief I hoped for. I do however share those feelings with my Sponsor, in face to face meetings and close friends. It was hard for me to get used to this as I previously thought of my hubby as my best friend that I could share anything with. Now I can't because of the disease.
You asked "what's wrong with my email?" I would say nothing. However, there is one thing that stuck out for me as I read it:
"Maybe it shouldnt have that affect, I dont know."
Well Ash, perhaps I'm being overly sensitive, but I'd suggest you seriously reconsider this part. You feel whatever you feel when he drinks. I suggest you honor your feelings; to me, they are our inner compass that we should not ignore. Hey, I spent years of counseling and tons of $ to finally reach that conclusion.
I'll say it again: consider honoring your feelings, don't evaluate them as wrong, right, good or bad. Just feel them and do not apoligize for them. Perhaps view them as an innner guide. Feelings can point to our path (my humble opinion).
My suggestion is not easy to apply, I know. But with practice, and I've still got my training wheels on, it gets easier and life is, oh, so much better.
Take care, Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle at 17:29, 2008-12-23
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I can only give you my ESH. For me personally going into my feelings around someone who isn't taking care of themselves isn't exactly a great thing to do. For me personally I know I am not going to get my needs met there. It does sound like you are trying to get your needs met. The issue is in doubting yourself. I certainly see red flags these days. The issue for me is to really take action when I see the red flags. One of the ways I take action is when someone around me isn't taking care of themselves I detach. i stop puttng the focus on them, I put the focus back on me. How can I take care of myself. As jeannie suggests what do I need to do. I do not personally go to people who have shouted at me, irritated me or done self destructive things and express my feelings. I certainly go elsewhere. I stop and listen and think about what do I need to do.
Certainly if you have been in a long term relationship, have a child and have numerous attachments to someone you are not in a positon to up and run tomorrow. I've been there, many of us here have been too. One of the tools many of us use is to get extremely busy. We get very very busy taking care of our program. We stop putting the focus on them. We stop counting the drink, we stop remonstrating with them. Believe me I know what it is to remonstrate, I did it day in day out for 7 years. The issue fo rme is I stopped. My ex A calls, he leaves messages. i say nothing, nada. I am not about to urge him to go to treatment, I am not about to go into minute detaila bout what he needs, when he needs it how he needs it. These days it is about me, what do I need, what can I do to take care of me (not in a selfish way I am still a very very giving person - i just no longer give endlessly to those who don't take care of themselves).
You are doing all the right things. No one needs to go over with you line by line what's wrong or right with your email. You can let it go you can move on. There is a holiday ahead, take care of you, take time out for you, stop getting superglued to the A.
Thank you for all the replies - every single one has helped. I don't know any of you personally, but after reading all that you had to share my heart opened up a bit, the terror in my gut calmed down and my mind calmed down. I guess it's safe to assume that learning to trust my own intuition and self is going to take some practice, and reaching out.
AH is back to his kind and loving self today. I do love him. I just hate the disease in him and me, and at times get confused and don't get it. Sometimes I think I should know better by now, although I am starting to here the message of "be gentle with yourself" from multiple sources. How do you guys practice this?
Yesterday someone wished me a Merry Christmas full of presence and self-compassion. I pray that you all receive the same.
Your just find Ash , your fears are founded tho I think your going to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread . Alcoholics can't deal with thier own feelings never mind ours ,they just don't get it they have no idea how thier drinking affects us . I had to accept that , cudos on the meeting and calling your Al-Anon numbers . and also for taking care of your child . trust your Gut bottom line they need us to keep them safe. Yur husb response was his own guilt don't take it on leave it with him where it belongs . have a great xmas and enjoy Louise You have a right to say how u feel , just don't expect that its going to change anything , it's' just important to speak up what he does with the information is up to him .
