The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Christmas is almost here and this year I am finding it to be more difficult (emotionally) than other years.So much has changed in my life over the past year, some good, and some bad. I miss the people that I have lost in my life; either from death or because of choice. Yet I am so thankful for the relationship I am in and of course for my 3 beautiful children, our health and our general happiness.
Yet.
I have found myself lately wondering how my ex A B/F really is doing.Last I heard he was dating an enabler, is unemployed, and financially exhausted.But, apparently he isnt in jail for his 7 or 8 DWIs (I lost count).The judge threw out the case because of technicalities.Personally I think the DWI laws suck.If someone gets their 3rd, 4th, or as in his case 8th DWI their drivers license should be burned in front of them plus they should have mandatory jail time. Instead because of really stupid technicalities the case gets thrown out and he still has his license, can go out to drink and drive and walks around like his shit doesnt stink. (pardon my language there)God forbid he kills someone when hes caught driving intoxicated again. (which I know will happen eventually) I hope it gets thrown in the judges face and he has to suffer the consequences for not taking his license away.
Im not compassionate towards him as I used to be.He has called me several times in the past month (probably because he is broke) and we spoke briefly.The last time my boyfriend answered the phone, and as him and I previously discussed, asked my ex to refrain from contacting me.I think my ex was taken back a little, but oh well.The calls need to stop because I need to shut that whole episode out of my life.He hasnt called since.Maybe he took the words of my boyfriend to heart and will refrain from picking up the phone.Although since Christmas is just a few days away, I have this gut feeling that he will pick up the phone once again.
If only I could erase those years with him.It is getting better, but once in a while I have a little setback.Oh well, Im human.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I think the holidays just generally make people NUTs!!! That is how I feel today. I want the holidays I see on TV....you know, the family all together. They sip wine or hot chocolate, they eat, they sing, they hug, they open presents, they laugh, they are all pretty and handsome and the children behave perfectly!!! Of course, no one I know has that kind of life. But it doesn't stop us from wondering and wishing.
I have been ill for two years now, going on three. My whole family life has collapsed from what it "should " have been. Alcohol played a direct role as did selfish, immature, and vindictive behaviors on the part of my son and his EX. So we haven't had any holiday of any kind that has been good. I vowed this year, AND posted on this site, that this year would be different. Well yes, but only in my dreams. I can direct myself to behave better, but when it all goes south, how do you cope. I am having an awful time...just awful.
I personally cannot wait for Christmas to come and go. I say the appropriate words to celebrate the tradition of my Christian upbringing. But I cannot wait for it to end. I think every holiday from here on out....Christmas, Easter, Mother's and Father's Day, 4th of July, birthdays.....all of them will cause me great grief. I don't know how to get out of this.
So HEARTBROKEN, I believe you are just feeling this holiday nostalgia. By making your break from the BF and having new life and relationship, you are on the right path. Good for you.
Actually my EXAH passed away last year. However, I couldn't tell you the last holiday season that he was actually on my mind.
Over the years I would occasionally wonder if he was even alive because he was in such horrible shape when I had left, but they were fleeting thoughts.
I couldn't even tell you when it happened, but at some point forgiveness for the past and what had happened entered my heart, and I wasn't concerned any more whether he got his 'dues' or not.
Now that both daughters are grown, and my grandchildren are getting older, the holidays aren't the big hoopla that they used to be, and I'm fine with that.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Actually no, I don't and its funny that you mentioned that and that I haven't! HA! When I read your post I thought- gee, why do i NEVER think of him?! Maybe I just packed him off to HP so many millions of times, I just really really totally let go of him. Like I almost never think of him. It surprises me that I do not, when I read your post and it reminded me that I do not.
I let go of the pain and the anger and resentment- all of it. Because of this program, that is!! Hugs, J.
It is rare that I wonder about him. I am grateful for the program because now I'm in a place... if I do find myself obsessing about him, I can ask myself what's motivating my thoughts. Most of the time, it's fear... and I want him to "save the day"... as though he has the power. Sometimes, I just feel lonely and I recall the good times and I imagine I could go back... do it right this time... and live happily ever after.
I am grateful for the program. It helps me to be honest with myself. It ruins my fantasy life and helps me keep "sobering" thoughts, rooted in reality.
I don't really wish I could erase the past. I try to consider it all my personal path, which has brought me to where I am. I may be slow as a snail... but I am grateful to be where I am.
Caution, HB.... unless you have a crystal ball, you cannot KNOW what will happen in the future. We're better off staying in the present moment and leaving the future to our HP.
Many Christmas Blessings! Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
