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Well, same ole, same ole. Nothing is changing, guess I need to change things for myself. The bf and I did drive around some together earlier today. Then, later on he leaves again for 5 hours. I went to the store just to get out of the house, and when I returned, we got into an argument. He tells me he was at his sisters the whole time, which I know is a lie.
I accused him of messing with someone else. Why else does he keep finding excuses to leave and stay gone forever? Anyway, I went to get my jacket out of his car a minute ago and noticed it was not in the backseat where I had put it earlier when I rode around with him.
That just proves he lied to me. He was riding around with others. Oh well. Again, he told me to shut the **** up again when I questioned him why he was gone half the day.
I just realized, the best thing for me to do is to just completely withdraw from him. I can not act like nothing bothers me. I am going to stop doing things for him from now on and I need to stick with it. I am fed up.
I am slipping again, and it does not feel good to me. Feels to me like everything is the same again exept for he's not drinking. On weekends anyway. I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid for even being with him. I've got to make a plan to get more busy with my life again.
Now I guess everytime he opens his mouth I'll have to remind myself that he's lying. How can he tell me he was at his sisters all that time when I know for a fact he doesn't spend more than an hour there cuz that's just the way he is.
I thought we had a nice time together earlier, we did not argue, I did not complain, I thought things were getting better. I did tell him I want him to put me first, and not his friend. Is that too much to ask for? We've been together forever it seems.
I'm going to put myself first from now on, or will try to anyway, besides my child. I only have a few weeks until a major change in my life happens and it would be good to just concentrate on that, and when that's done and over with, maybe I can make some new beginnings. I'm also thinking about looking for an additional parttime job. That should keep me more busy and it will bring in more money on my part.
I definetelly know that living with a sober person is no piece of cake.
oh Bu it is all so hard to face. Of course you want to be first, however with an A we are NEVER first. Their using is first or their program is first.
Not using with no program is like we always say, just a fruitcake without the nuts.Is still fruitcake.
My AH used to say,yea he is just sober, means nothing, almost worse than using.
When I read this type post from our loved members I aways want to warn of std's. We know there are ones out there that can kill us.
I guess I was touchier than most. If AH talked to me like that he was out the door. But then my AH loved it as he could go to mommies and use with no problem.
It has to be hard for his disease to take him away to who knows where doing ? It is funny though, I wish mine would have gone away to do it. He snuck it every time.I NEVER saw him drink, never. He honestly was so tortured,guilty and embarrassed, he could not stand for me to see it, plus in his disease brain he thought if I did not see it, I would not know, or he could lie he was not high or whatever.
I hope you reach your goals. Keep coming here for support! You are using your skills and learning more!
thank you for posting. I so need to talk right now. Guess you are right, we will never be first. Thing is, it seemed like when he was going to meeetings I was first. He stopped going, which is his choice of course, well he went a week ago to pick up his chip. So he's not drinking and not in a program. Maybe he changed when he quit going to meeetings.
Guess it's fruitcake here at my house.
Std's yeah you are right about that. Had to deal with it b4 cuz he messed with someone else, both of us went and got treated. Well, I can't get any nowdays cuz he won't touch me. Another reason why I'm wondering if he's doing anything. I just do not believe that his sex drive is zero nowdays, and I can't blame it all on not drinking.
You just got me to remember I have another checkup soon anyway, so if I have anything (from the couple of times we did anything lately) then I will know what's going on. Thank you for bringing that thought into my head.
Ya know, I told him not to talk like that to me, well I told him just go back to where he's been, he stopped talking and did not move. I can't throw him out of the house (which I have done many times when he was active) but it did hurt me pretty bad. Again, it reminded me of his drinking days when he said every mean word imaginable.
I must say, this morning I told him I hated him after he made a joke and I took it seriously. I realize that was not nice, and we did talk about it later on. I am in another room tonight for a reason, staying away from him so I don't say anything else to him.
After he got sober, I learned that they feel embarrassed and everything like you said, it is sad. I used to think they just don't care and they are so happy. It is a sad thing. Hope you are doing ok Debilyn. If there is anything else you would like to add, I would love to hear it. Sanity just feels so much better than crazyness and obsessing.
Buick, You sound like you are doing pretty well, to me. We all have this kind of chaallenge to our recovery as we go along. It is a bumpy ride sometimes. You are both right about never being first with them, but maybe not for the reason you think, Buick.
The fact is, none of us can put another first. Our recovery program teaches us how to think of ourselves first in a positive way. I take care of me first so that I can be whole and healthy and be of service happily, not grudgingly to others. An A really has to do that because if he is not sober, what good is he to himself or anyone else. He cannot put you first. Maybe that is why he is discouraged with the meetings. He is being tugged both ways by his program and you and anyone else who wants a piece of him.
Please do not take that to mean that you did something wrong by asking that he put you first. It is natural for us to want that, but we must clarify in our mind that we want to come first after his recovery. If his friends are riding around in his car on his gas money then the leaches are probably pulling all the guilt trips on him already. If he stops riding them around then they have lost their free ride.
It takes time for them to learn how to put themselves first and let go of all the guilt that is thrown at them. When they first get sober they have no defense against all the emotional manipulations and stress from everyday life and all the unhealthy relationships that they still have not learned to let go of.
Anyway that is all just my humble opinion. Try to remember that an A is sick, emotionally and spiritually, esp. Do not take his actions personally as mostly they have nothing to do with us. It is all about him learning to cope with the world sober. Try to get your focus back on you. Get to meetings and find the positive relationships that feed your soul there for now. It was really hard for me to accept that I could not go to my AH for support. He just couldn't be there for me. He had to learn how to be there for himself first and foremost before he would have the energy and health of spirit to be there for anyone.
I had to really work at letting my AH work his own recovery his own way. It was never fast enough for me, still isn't. I still catch myself at times taking his inventory and thinking he should call his sponsor, he should go to another meeting, he should..., he should..., etc. Very unhealthy for me.
Hope this helps. You are not alone.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
