The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you're familiar with my last post "Now What" you'll know that I was trying very hard to keep any expectations I had of my newly sober wife in check. I heeded the excellent advice of fellow posters and decided to let go and wait for a sign from my HP. Unfortunately that sign came last night when she chose to walk home from an AA meeting (2+ hr walk) and got so drunk that she fell down in the street and was sent to the hospital by some good people who called an ambulance. While I feel a certain amount despair I am proud that I let the crisis happen and I did not immediately run to her aid. She made her own choices and she is living with the consequences of those choices.
At this point I her family and I have spoken to her and have told her that living at home is no longer an option. She would either need to find a sober living home or live with someone else. Naturally she was opposed to this and spent a long time thinking about it. Since the relapse she has spoken to her sponsor, gone to a meeting, and for all indications jumped right back into working her program. I'm afraid that sending her to a sober living facility by force will ruin any progress she might have already made. She isn't even a week out of inpatient rehab and may need more time. But a slip is still a slip, and I'm grappling with the question, "how much more I can take."
The point of this post- She has come up with a solution to be under "house arrest." She will come up with a list of rules/guidelines/expectations/schedule that she is to abide by similar to if she was living in a sober living facility. Unfortunately guess who gets to enforce these rules? Yep, your's truly. Anyway, right now I'm grappling with the prospect of ignoring any progress she has made in her recovery so far(there has been some, even if it was a little) including finding a sponsor that she is honest with and communicates with, in favor of having her move to a sober living house. OR dealing with the prospect of having her stay home under strict guidelines and rules and give her "one more chance" to prove herself. The only reason I am even considering this as an option is because SHE is the one who came up with the idea, SHE is the one coming up with the guidelines, and if she fails to live up to her end of the bargain, she'll have no one to blame except herself. If she is forced to move into sober living it will be her families mandate and not her own, and therefore not as effective?
*sigh* It's a ball of wax, and I can already hear the voice in my head telling me that I"m overanalyzing everything and that I need to let go and let my HP handle the rest. I guess I just need some advice.
Really good news re: the whole hospital thing, nice work.
I don't know about you but that whole house arrest thing sounds pretty suspicious to me...here's the red flag I see-
First and foremost, YOU need to focus on your own recovery. By being her taskmaster and prison guard, you are NOT focusing on your own program and your own recovery, you are focusing on HER and her Aism and HER recovery!
Quvat, You might not have given HP the time he needed to handle the problem. Sometimes he takes more time than we think he should, but remember if your AW is in his hands what better place could she be? He could have been trying to get her attention on the way home from her AA meeting. Who knows?
We have a saying in Al-Anon, the alocholic's are going to do what they are going to do, most important though is what are you going to do? I think turning her over to your HP was a wonderful idea. Great step #1. My suggestion for step #2, and I personally think the most important would be for you to get in an Al-Anon group. That is where you will find the help, love, and understanding you need so desperiately.
Trust me I have been in your shoes with my AW, so my suggestion is coming from my heart. That is my ESH for you. I remember the crazy days and nights,. I thought they would never end. In Al-Anon we are taught to take care of ourselves first. When I came to a realization of that, then accepted it, my life changed. The way that took place was walking through the doors of my first f2f Al-Anon meeting a little over two years ago. Since then I have made the meetings I attend (twice a week) a part of my life. Best decision I ever made.
Clever little devils aren't they ? I am sorry but your falling into the biggest trap ever . She is making u responsible for her sobriety and that is just not right . You were not the reason she drank in the first place , it is not your responsibility to keep her sober . I am sure u have better things to do with your life than watching her every move. I remember a speaker said * u can wall em up in concrete* and they still come out drunk , someway some how they do find a way to get what they need . All I know for sure is that until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves , nothing changes . Louise
Abby is so right about "until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, nothing changes." Thanks for the reminder Abby. Sometimes I wish you could be here to push me in the right direction, over and over again, cuz I keep slipping.
I agree with the others. I immediately thought, "ok what type manipulation is this? It is NOT your disease, you are not her nurse,guard or boss.
I also agree with you. We easily fall into making their disease our own and get pulled into it by them.They are so frightened to lose us. The disease makes them choose to do such stupid things, when they get a touch of clarity, they think but so and so is always there. NOT good. They need t have no one there but themselves.
I learned a long time ago to allow them the dignity to figure it all out for themselves.To go on with my own life of having my animal sanctuary, go ivisit my friends, go riding with my horse, go walking etc. laugh see movies, etc. Of course it would have been heaven to have him with me, but I learned he could not handle it.
anyway I climbed out of my ah's pit. Have not been back for over ten years.
My 20 year old AD still lives at home with me. It is my house, and I have set the boundaries, end of story, no more discussion, period. She does not negotiate the terms of living here. That's like letting the fox set the rules for the hen house, no?
Sober living facilities are an excellent opportunity for the newly sober to have a structured living environment while learning to hone their new recovery tools.
I can also speak as a recovering alcoholic, and she's playing you like a fiddle with her negotiations, in my opinion.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
She has come up with a solution to be under "house arrest." She will come up with a list of rules/guidelines/expectations/schedule that she is to abide by similar to if she was living in a sober living facility. Unfortunately guess who gets to enforce these rules? Yep, your's truly.
I no longer fall for this type of stuff... where they make up all the rules and we have to play our parts. Nope! Their recovery is THEIR recovery and I am not responsible for enforcing anything. THEY are! It's amazing the games that they play and how clever they are at manipulating us into continuing to support their addiction. Ugh!
Oh my the games they play! First of all, how are you going to make sure she's doing what she says she's going to do? Secondly, do you really want to spend all that time "babysitting" her? Her recovery is up to her. I'd rather spend my time focusing on my recovery, rather than on someone else's. You have lots to think about. Keep going to your meetings and focusing on your recovery. Turn her over to her HP. That's all you can do. Love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Holidays.
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Claus
-- Edited by Karilynn at 21:56, 2008-12-21
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Please remember, QuVat.... you will not ruin her progress. Nope. Not you. You don't make her drink and you can't make her stop. That is solely up to her. One of my greatest mistakes was allowing my AH to come home after rehab and taking the role of policeman on, all under his jurisdiction. Didn't work, and just gave him more reason to be mad and resentful and blame, blame, blame.... For me, the torture continued, just in a different form.
Your AW may be very serious about her "house arrest" plan, unfortunately she will be bringing her disease with her. There is the saying that "the A cant' come home to an old idea...." Even if she does stop drinking, there is a new journey ahead and new sobriety ain't fun.
Time for you QuVat. I hope you can get to meetings and put the focus on you. You are so worth it!
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Qvat, I have to agree with what all of the others have said. I also can understand your confusion. I founc myself in a very similar situation when my abf returned from inpatient rehab. He was released 3 weeks earlier than what was expected. I am not sure what the conditions of his release were, he states lack of insurance coverage, I have my doubts. Not the point. I did let him come back here, with a list of rules and boundaries, that we both set and agreed upon. I know for myself, that over all the years we lived together and he was actively drinking, I would reach what I thought was my breaking point, and would ask him to leave. Only when I would do this would he start working a program, making rules, promises, etc. He would seem to "do the right thing". Unfortunately, this would only last for a very short time. Once out of rehab, I wasnt sure I wanted him to return here and told him that. Again, he came up with a list of rules, ways that I would "know" he wasnt drinking, etc. All of these things required MY participation. I told him in no uncertain terms, and I meant it, and mean it every day, that I am not his watchdog, that I dont WANT to be his watchdog or his keeper and that I WONT be. And I am not. I am busy doing what I need to do for myself which has actually made him (in my opinion) more aware of what he needs to do for himself. That and the fact that his family and myself have made it very clear that if his recovery isnt his top priority and he isnt working on it every minute of every day, without us, he will no longer have us in his life. We mean it, and again, I have to assume he understands this. His list of promises and rules are meant to serve HIS purpose, not necessarily anyone else's, and as so many have already stated, this is par for the course with A's. Someone, well several someones, have told me that you will know when enough is enough for you. I believe until that time, do what you have to do for yourself and allow her to do what she has to do for herself, even, or maybe especially even, if she falls. Relapse is part of recovery, but its not an excuse to keep doing it. Steps forward are still steps even if they are baby steps. Progress, not perfection. Take care of you and let her take care of herself. seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
