The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How many times have you heard, "there are two kinds of people in the world, those who xxxxxx and those who yyyyyy". It's often a joke, or used to illustrate some point. Like, there are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide everybody into two kinds of people and those who don't.
Of course with the world's population at approximately 6 billion, the truth is there are 6 billion kinds of people in the world. But in AA, and in Alanon, one of the suggestions we hear a lot is look for the similarities, not the differences.
So I'm going to observe different ways people are, or behave, or approach things - and for simplicity's sake, we'll limit it to two.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who study and plan everything ahead, and those who just do it.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who trust in a Higher Power and those who don't.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who thrive on structure and order, and those who thrive on freedom and impulse.
Ok, that's enough for now - there are plenty more. None of these are right or wrong, they are just useful descriptions.
I've seen people study the 12-step program in every detail, reading up on it, taking notes, highlighting phrases in the book, analyzing... and I've seen people just walk in the door and jump feet first into the program. Whatever works! The pitfalls to the study approach are analysis paralysis, or getting to the point where we think ourselves right out the door. The pitfalls to the jump approach are we can feel out of control, and it can be very scary. We end up doing it by the seat of our pants, and can make mistakes.
Higher Power? Notice I said "trust in", not "believe in". I think there are many people who believe in a higher power, but don't trust in a higher power. Those who don't I believe face a tougher time of it. I've certainly seen plenty of athiests and agnostics succeed in the program.
Structure? This isn't a perfect split, but sometimes I think it's damn close. Alcoholics love freedom and anarchy, and love anarchy so much that they create it in their own lives and for those around them. Alanons seek order and control. But these things aren't what make us happy - they are what we think we need to do to put our fears behind us. The alcoholic is afraid of losing his freedom - which means most of all, freedom to drink. The Alanon is afraid of losing control. The alcoholic's driving force is chaos, the alanon's is order. Is it any wonder there is so much conflict in the relationship?
This "two kinds of people" thing is also very alcoholic, the binary, black and white view of the world. As I started to type this post, I was thinking I'm really a Just do it, trust in HP, freedom sort of person. But actually, I'm very much in the middle on all three today. I am very impulsive, but I'm learning to enjoy the planning process too. I get itchy at the drawing board, I need to get out into the field ASAP. But a little planning goes a long way toward sanity.
I do believe in a Higher Power. I intellectually comprehend the folly of not trusting a Higher Power that I say I believe in. The Big Book says in it somewhere that God is either everything, or he is nothing. That makes total sense, yet - most of us have a "Gray God". I do. It's because my human brain is not capable of comprehending a truly all-powerful God. It's equally incapable of comprehending a universe that lacks an all-powerful God. Since I can't grasp either, I have no choice but to walk the middle ground - choosing faith but experiencing doubt.
Freedom is very important to me. What freedom I have is a gift. We tend to think of ourselves in the western world as being free, but many of us equate the ultimate freedom as being God. If we're not God, we're not free to do anything God doesn't want us to do. My concept of God does involve structure. Not the structure of organized religion, but some guidance to give my life purpose, and the ability to get along with my fellow human beings. One who desires to live ever moment predictably may find himself unhappy and not know why. One who acts on every impulse may find themselves alone in the world, unable to maintain friendships.
I'm still a just-do-it, don't-trust-HP-all-the-time, freedom-living guy. But I'm better at planning than I used to be. I'm better at trusting God than I used to be. And I'm better at structuring my life and being responsible than I used to be.
So I was just foolin... there ain't no two kinds of people. But any given characteristic has its extremes in two directions. I use to chafe at the notion of a "middle of the road" approach to life, or the idea of "balance". Both sounded incredibly difficult. And for we who are alcoholics, or surrounded by alcoholism, there is no middle of the road. Just a sharp picket fence we have to walk in bare feet, with huge ditches on either side. Balance is a high wire act. No wonder we spend so much time in one or the other ditch. Working the steps, the program - it's not that our balance gets better, or the extremes go away. But the road between them gets a lot wider. When I hear ordinary people describe themselves as "middle of the road", I know they're talking about the broad highway, not the picket fence. But I'm not normal - I had to learn about the highway, and build it. One brick at a time, one day at a time.
yeah, great share- its so true about how sharp the edge of that fence is for us- at least that certainly is the case for me, yet through this program, I am putting on socks and then shoes because this is the spot where I spend much of my time, balancing, like you mentioned, in the zones of grey. Or another way to put it: I have worn a nice path on the edge of that fence so its not so sharp anymore, thanks to this program. Hugs, J.
I just love the visual of the narrow fence being the middle ground or road before alanon. A place I could balance precariously on for a few steps but from which I would inevitable fall off to one side or the other.
Alanon is making the fence sorter and wider all the time.
Balance in everything. Don't make the highs too high or the lows too low!
"Structure? This isn't a perfect split, but sometimes I think it's damn close. Alcoholics love freedom and anarchy, and love anarchy so much that they create it in their own lives and for those around them. Alanons seek order and control. But these things aren't what make us happy - they are what we think we need to do to put our fears behind us. The alcoholic is afraid of losing his freedom - which means most of all, freedom to drink. The Alanon is afraid of losing control. The alcoholic's driving force is chaos, the alanon's is order. Is it any wonder there is so much conflict in the relationship?"
So in my life you have the freedom loving anarchist on one side, and the order and control person on the other. Seems like he gave up some of that freedom for a while and I gave up some of the control for a while. It seemed to work well. When he took all of his freedom back, I came out fighting back with more control. This is not working. Then again, he chose to give up that freedom to drink on his own. Now, since he gave that up, he makes up for that with whatever else. I do not deal with chaos anymore, which he might be missing since that was his way out before. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control, maybe I'm afraid of losing him even more. Maybe I'm driving him away. Maybe I'm afraid not to care anymore.
((((barisax)))) Thank you for a fantastic share. I can relate with you on several things - particularly your thoughts on a HP.
The concept of "2 kinds of people" really drives me up a wall - my AH falls into this mindset and anyone who doesn't agree (ergo, doesn't think like him) is less than human. Guess what? I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I guess it's a miracle I can even dress myself in the mornings.... LOL. Yes, there are very broad categories that you can put people into - and at a very high level I agree with what you have outlined for the sake of discussion, but boy those categories can be sub-divided into the billions - as you also acknowledged. I'm so glad to see this in writing!
You said ..."most of us have a "Gray God". I do. It's because my human brain is not capable of comprehending a truly all-powerful God. It's equally incapable of comprehending a universe that lacks an all-powerful God. Since I can't grasp either, I have no choice but to walk the middle ground - choosing faith but experiencing doubt."
I am so THERE!
The visual of balancing on a sharp picket fence brings to mind another visual - a cat walking along the top of that fence - 2 feet on the top of the fence, 2 feet on the railing - a very lopsided, wobbly gait. Sometimes I feel like that cat :).
I loved what you said about widening the road. This concept also came up at my f2f meeting yesterday. And here I am today reading your post (again, cuz I read it yesterday too) - hmmm - must be an HP thing. Things like this help me trade little pieces of doubt for faith. It's why I keep coming back.
I just love the visual of the narrow fence being the middle ground or road before alanon. A place I could balance precariously on for a few steps but from which I would inevitable fall off to one side or the other.
I was clueless when I would hear people say things like, why do you go to such extremes? Why don't you moderate, stay in the middle? I really didn't know what they were talking about because the middle was just a razor's edge boundary between extremes. I also now understand that those "normal" people had no more idea where I was coming from, than I did for their point of view.
It's not that we don't have more choices down the middle. It's that we literally don't know about them. I grew up believing that if somebody stepped on my toes, my only choice was fight or flight - however those two choices might play out. There were no examples of anything else for me to observe.
We talk a lot about choices - invariably, we justify so many of our (re)actions with "there was no other choice!" Those choices are there, but we have to see them for ourselves. Having someone say "Well, why don't you just xxxxxx like everybody else does" comes across as condescending... what is obvious to them may be incomprehensible to us. We can't picture ourselves acting that way, so we know we never will.
I wish there was an easier way to get it. I just know that learning is mostly by example. I put myself with the people in the program that had what I wanted, and at least I knew that I wanted that serenity, the peace of mind of knowing that my highway is broad and I can meander this way or that without winding up in the ditch. And maybe when there's a truck coming at me, there's a third alternative in between running off the road or hitting the truck head on... a touch of the brakes, a quick flick of the wrist, and the only effect is the trucker's horn fading in the distance.
This post and string is SOO IMPORTANT. I am going to print it out and use it as a meeting topic. I think this is really the main crux of the program in many ways. And it is so simple to see in the way that you put it. Thank you so much Barisax, I am really so grateful that you returned to this board when you did. This is really helping me with my recovery today. Hugs, Jean
