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Hi - My name is Felicia and I am new to the board. I have been reading it over while waiting for my membership to kick in. I am so hurt, confused, angry, devasted and carry so much guilt. I have been going to a counselor and she wanted me to check this out as well as a victim of domestic violence group.
My story ( i will try to abbreviate it) - My husband of 10 1/2 years walked out on me and my 2 daughters on Sept. 28 with out a word or a goodbye to any of us. He is an alcoholic or abuser, but maintains a job, everyone thinks he is friendly, good looking etc.
In my marriage, I was subjected to bullying, intimidation, told I wasn't as good as his mother, stuck up for his family. Told it's his life he does what he wants to do, told he is done - it's over and he is finding someone else, when I told him that I don't want to have sex with him when he was drinking. He watched tons of porn when i was pregnant with my first child it devastated me and he was unapologetic. Always out with single friends drinking, etc.. you get the point. But then he would turn around and buy me gorgeous gifts and take me to nice restaurants and thought he was treating me and the girls good. Was he? Sometimes we got along so amazing, but I never felt like he valued me or the relationship.
Anyway a year ago I won 2 sessions of personal training at my gym and I loved it. The trainer would ask me a million questions about my life and I guess got the impression that I was quite vulnerable and not in a good marriage. I was 39 going on 40 and not happy about that either. I decided to continue on with my training and the guy would tell me how strong I was, how hot I was, what did your husband do to you? work out with me off the books, text me and give me tons of attention. I ate it up like candy/ a drug. I was the happiest people have seen me. Including my husband - who prior to this said it was over and he was finding someone else in Nov. last year and woke me up to scream at me for falling asleep on the couch with my dog and yell what are you doing??? multiple times.
Then Dec. christmas my husband bought me tons of gifts and was starting to be interested in me again.
By Jan he is off on a guy only vacation and I am feeling unimportant and not a priority - me and the girls never felt like a priority. i always saw a very selfish, self indulgent man. I lost a lot of love and respect over the years. I always had to drive home from functions and made to feel like I mattered less than his family of origin and friends and told I have no friends. So while he was on vacation I went to the guys house 2 times - got caught by my husband - through texts, eavesdropping etc. He went berserk. I never even knew he cared at all, I think it was all ego and property. Chased the guy off. I never spoke to him again and finally after years of asking my husband to go to counseling he agreed.
For seven months, I had a man that seemed to adore me - his first reaction was that he knew he drove me to that point and it was his fault. I was always apologetic, still carry so much guilt. I know I ruined my life, but then he would drink and freak out and I had to call the police. Something I should have done years ago anyway, since he would punch walls and scare me while drunk. But he was finally saying nice things to me and I started feeling love for him again. I still hated the drinking fighting drama episodes mixed in, but I actually was starting to feel safe, happy and secure with him again, then he started drinking extra heavy for 2 weeks and started a fight and left. Didn't even call my daughters for 4 days and then they would ask where he was and he wouldn't tell them. They were devasted. I was angry got a lawyer b/c he emailed me about divorce and not to spend money. I am a stay at home mom. I got scared. Now he looks totally different, shaved hair off to a buzz - started working out - lost 40 lbs, got some muscles and looks better than he ever did when we were married. He has new clothes etc. But everytime he shows up now to pick up the girls - great father that he is - only one day a week for 7 hours - he has glassy eyes. (what does that mean?) I am nervous for them to be driving with him. I miss my husband yet hate him at the same time. This is so hard. Even my marriage counselor who we saw together and knows everything thinks he is a jerk and me and the girls are better off without his everyday drinking and drama, but it hurts so much and all i do is blame myself. She said it was probably a coping skill, she thinks I was driven to it and don't be so hard on myself. Does an alcoholic man drive his wife to cheat? She thinks he probably cheated on me too. I have no idea, but know he was out drinking in bars and one night didn't come home. but I don't know if he actually cheated. I never spied or anything. Can anyone help? I am scared and sad everyday. I am so alone and cry all the time. I had to go on anti depressants and I hate meds.
Welcome to the board and to Miracles in Progress. Does an alcoholic drive his wife to cheat? Is that a guilt questions? We come to learn that we are responsible for our choices before, during and after the insanity of alcoholism is discovered. My alcoholic never drove me into any of the affairs I have had. Those were all my choices and the consequences I had to own myself.
If you have been reading past posts you can see a couple of things that are repeated over and over; one is your story. It is a typical married to an alcoholic story. The other is suggestions from our ESH, Experience Strength and Hope that worked for us and the one most often stated is find out where and when the open face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings are in your area and get there as soon as you can. Going thru the devestation alone isn't very healthy or necessary especially when there are so many members who have or are going thru what you are going thru now and have found ways to grow and get sane and happy. There is also a meeting room here that you can check into and join.
Sorry the disease got a hold of you also. People who have been affected by this disease number into the millions. You don't have to feel alone or stay sick any more. While you're at the meeting get and read as much literature as you can on alcoholism, alcoholic and you. Learn the 12 steps and traditions. Listen and learn and practice, practice, practice. This program will save your mind and spirit and entire life when you work it.
welcome to the board. There are things you mentioned your husband said when drinking similiar to what my bf said when he was active. I know how much it hurts, over and over again. Then they don't remember what they said or did the next day. Seems like they upset us so much that nothing can ever make it better, then they turn around and they are nice to us, take us out to dinner, been there, done that.
I can understand that it felt good to be complimented by the trainer. You deserved that anyway, to be treated well. He paid you attention and the husband did the total opposite.
Not to feel important and a priority is what I'm dealing with at the moment.
You asked about glassy eyes. Drinking or drugs? I don't remember my bf's eyes being glassy when he drank, I remember them looking all wierded out, hard to describe, but not glassy. You asked "Does an alcoholic man drive his wife to cheat?" I don't know, may be different for everyone. I do know the A in my life drove me crazy, made me scared, unhappy, lonely, etc. I can understand that it's nice to be treated well by someone, it's just sad if the husband can't do that for you, the one who loves you.
I would say don't beat yourself up over it. What happened, happened. There are things in my past I'm trying to get over and I try not to beat myself up over it too often.
There were many nights my bf didn't come home when he was active. I don't know for sure what he did, where he was. I had suspicions, and one of them was cheating, several times, but then I always told myself, who wants to mess with a completely drunk man like that?
I think this board is a good start. There's also chat which is great. I go on chat a lot of times when I'm upset, or sad, and sometimes I talk about it and other times I just join in silly conversations and they always make me feel better. Reading alanon books also helps. One day at the time is great, it got me trough the first few months of his sobriety. Check out the books from the link on this site.
Share here as much and as often as you like or need too. There will always be someone that replies. You are not alone. I'm glad you found this place.
Welcome to MIP Felicia and keep coming back. You ask alot of questions that have no easy answers. Go to a face to face meeting and read the Alanon literature. You can't cure it, you didn't causei it and you can't control it. Your life can get better.
I just want to tell you that nothing is more important than getting healthy for yourself and your girls. You are doing the right thing by seeking counseling, and reading these posts. A face to face meeting might also be helpful. You're doing very well, keep up the good work!
Hang in there, One day at a time! We will love you until you can love yourself! I take meds, too. I hate taking them sometimes but they are necessary for me. No one would ever like to see me without them! I am already a wreck sometimes but I manage. I will make sure I read the rest of your post. Kathleen
I read the rest of your post! I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed & hurt! I can't really relate to all you have been through although there are some similarities that I see in myself & my relationship with my ex even though he didn't drink during the whole time we were married. He did dispicable things to me that I can't even type to you. I just have memories of abuse that he inflicted on me. I don't know if it would have been worse if he had been drinking--actually it probably would have! He watched awful movies & made me feel so insecure about myself. We never had children together & finally I am really glad we didn't. Your story is very different from mine but I can see that you really need a 12-step program & that Alanon is for you if you want it. Please keep posting & keep in touch. You are very welcome on this site! We already love you! HOOT
Thank you everyone for all of your responses. I can't believe that over email I can feel that people actually care. I am trying to learn all I can and forgive myself for just wanting to feel important to someone. I have to learn to do that for myself. I still wish things could be different with my husband or ex. I still love and miss him and go through a million emotions in a day. I have to concentrate on me and my girls and try to stay strong. It helps to see that all of you can do that. My Heartfelt thanks again, Felicia
Felicia, Welcome! I am so glad you have found everyone here! If you stick with this program you will start to experience peace and self worth! I have one thing to say... There is NOTHING that you can do to deserve being mistreated, abused verbally, mentally or physically. No one has the right to abuse you. Cheating is a terrible, painful action for the person who was cheated on and the cheater. I was abused for many years, and while I don't think being abused is a liscence to hurt others, I do think it impacts our judgment, it's difficult to think clearly and sometimes that causes us to be a bit impulsive. No matter the cause for our mistakes, there are consequenses to our actions, and when we face these we see why certain behaviours are not good ideas - but then it's too late. No matter how much guilt I feel for my mis-deeds - I cannot take them back - I cannot reverse the lasting effects that my actions have on my family. Feeling guilty however does not rectify the situation. I myself am dealing with guilt - because of my actions. For me I think the only thing I can do to try to fix things - is to apologize and take full responsiblility for my actions, tell the people I hurt that I was wrong, ask them to forgive me, Genuinely be sorry - THEN MOVE ON. Learning from my mistake, careful to not reapeat it, and being sensitive to those I hurt, but no longer carrying the guilt (as much as possible) I can't beat myself up forever - it doesn't fix my wrong, it doesn't heal those I hurt, it doesn't help me. I agree with the 1/2 dozen or so other people who commented on your plight when they said to love yourself. Do it! You are worth it! You are an amazing person with so much to offer, not just to men, but to your friends, and your new friends here at the message board, to your kids and your family. Take the time to figure out what you can change in your situation, you can't make your husband treat you with respect, you can't change him in any way. Only he can do those things. But you can change yourself! My heart goes out to you hon' as in your story I see myself a few short weeks ago. I am on the road to recovery, a road that I will be on for the rest of my life, but a road that is going in the direction of serenity. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and am glad to be sharing the road with you! God Bless You and Keep You
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M e l i n d a "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well." -Euphonia and the Flood
Melinda, Thanks for your kind words. It has been 3 months since he left. The holidays were hard, but I did my best for my girls. My house is much more peaceful with out the drinking and the drama in it, but I do miss him and our good times and feel very lonely. I still go through such intense emotions and struggle. I can't understand how he is happier and has such an easy time with all of this, but then I know that he could always take or leave the marriage. It's so unfair! I just kept hanging on. It is ironic that the best 7 months of my marriage were after I cheated on him. Although he was still drinking.
I am trying hard to deal with all of this, but I do feel alone, so thank you for writing. Everyone's experiences and stories help. I take comfort in the fact that you can relate to me in some way, because I do feel like I made a mess of my life. Then I remember it was already a mess and going down this road anyway!
