Hi - My name is Felicia and I am new to the board. I have been reading it over while waiting for my membership to kick in. I am so hurt, confused, angry, devasted and carry so much guilt. I have been going to a counselor and she wanted me to check this out as well as a victim of domestic violence group.

My story ( i will try to abbreviate it) - My husband of 10 1/2 years walked out on me and my 2 daughters on Sept. 28 with out a word or a goodbye to any of us. He is an alcoholic or abuser, but maintains a job, everyone thinks he is friendly, good looking etc.

In my marriage, I was subjected to bullying, intimidation, told I wasn't as good as his mother, stuck up for his family. Told it's his life he does what he wants to do, told he is done - it's over and he is finding someone else, when I told him that I don't want to have sex with him when he was drinking. He watched tons of porn when i  was pregnant with my first child it devastated me and he was unapologetic. Always out with single friends drinking, etc.. you get the point. But then he would turn around and buy me gorgeous gifts and take me to nice restaurants and thought he was treating me and the girls good. Was he? Sometimes we got along so amazing, but I never felt like he valued me or the relationship.

Anyway  a year ago I won  2 sessions of personal training at my gym and I loved it. The trainer would ask me a million questions about my life and I guess got the impression that I was quite vulnerable and not in a good marriage. I was 39 going on 40 and not happy about that either. I decided to continue on with my training and the guy would tell me how strong I was, how hot I was, what did your husband do to you? work out with me off the books, text me and give me tons of attention. I ate it up like candy/ a drug. I was the happiest people have seen me. Including my husband - who prior to this said it was over and he was finding someone else in Nov. last year and woke me up to scream at me for falling asleep on the couch with my dog and yell what are you doing??? multiple times.

Then Dec. christmas my husband bought me tons of gifts and was starting to be interested in me again.

By Jan he is off on a guy only vacation and I am feeling unimportant and not a priority - me and the girls never felt like a priority. i always saw a very selfish, self indulgent man. I lost a lot of love and respect over the years. I always had to drive home from functions and made to feel like I mattered less than his family of origin and friends and told I have no friends.
So while he was on vacation I went to the guys house 2 times - got caught by my husband - through texts, eavesdropping etc. He went berserk. I never even knew he cared at all, I think it was all ego and property. Chased the guy off. I never spoke to him again and finally after years of asking my husband to go to counseling he agreed.

For seven months, I had a man that seemed to adore me - his first reaction was that he knew he drove me to that point and  it was his fault. I was always apologetic, still carry so much guilt. I know I ruined my life, but then he would drink and freak out and I had to call the police. Something I should have done years ago anyway, since he would punch walls and scare me while drunk. But he was finally saying nice things to me and I started feeling love for him again. I still hated the drinking fighting drama episodes mixed in, but I actually was starting to feel safe, happy and secure with him again, then he started drinking extra heavy for 2 weeks and started a fight and left. Didn't even call my daughters for 4 days and then they would ask where he was and he wouldn't tell them. They were devasted. I was angry got a lawyer b/c he emailed me about divorce and not to spend money. I am a stay at home mom. I got scared.
Now he looks totally different, shaved hair off to a buzz - started working out - lost 40 lbs, got some muscles and looks better than he ever did when we were married. He has new clothes etc. But everytime he shows up now to pick up the girls - great father that he is - only one day a week for 7 hours - he has glassy eyes. (what does that mean?)  I am nervous for them to be driving with him. I miss my husband yet hate him at the same time. This is so hard. Even my marriage counselor who we saw together and knows everything thinks he is a jerk and me and the girls are better off without his everyday drinking and drama, but it hurts so much and all i do is blame myself. She said it was probably a coping skill, she thinks I was driven to it and don't be so hard on myself.
Does an alcoholic man drive his wife to cheat? She thinks he probably cheated on me too. I have no idea, but know he was out drinking in bars and one night didn't come home. but I don't know if he actually cheated. I never spied or anything.
Can anyone help? I am scared and sad everyday. I am so alone and cry all the time. I had to go on anti depressants and I hate meds.