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Today I'm having trouble focusing on myself and not the bf. Again, he's gone today. I asked him about why he doesn't want to do things together and he said that I'm always complaining when we are somewhere and I have to stop to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. That really hurt.
I wonder if I'm that bad, and if yes, why does he go nowhere all during the week? Is it an excuse to get out and be away from me? He's always hanging with the same friend. I'm starting to think he's messing around on me. The problem is not him not being home or where he's at really, but the fact that it makes me feel like he does not care.
I remember someone posted (I think it was Jean) that they don't think about us. No they don't. Now he just started doing this, so something must be different. Before he would usually stay home during the weekend and did not want to go anywhere when I asked him.
I do not plan to spend the rest of my life alone in a relationship. I'm trying to focus on me and not on him. That's why I'm writing this. Like I've heard many times, A's really do love us, even when their behavior shows the opposite. I wonder if that applies to sober ones, and how do you cope with that?
Like I said, this is on weekends not during the week. I wanted to tell him to just leave me if he can't stand to be around me or go anywhere with me anymore. Before I had the chance to say anything else to him he left after he said that he didn't want to argue.
I guess by him trying to put blame on me for him not wanting to do anything together, it's kinda like he'll go do whatever since it's my fault and I'm mad at him anyway. I know I'm repeating myself.
I feel like calling him telling him some not so nice words, but I don't want chaos and I don't want to act crazy. I think if I didn't have this board to post on I would have acted crazy and ended up with chaos.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of mess? Any insight?
I really relate to your posts. My H is the same way. I've asked countless times for him to do things and he says no, but when the friends call he is out the door. I have had those same feelings about telling him if he's so unhappy here he can leave. I don't have any advice, but I am sending big hugs to you.
thank you for your post. I am glad you can relate and at the same time I'm sorry that you are dealing with the same thing. I wish I had some answers. I thought about going up to see if he's where he says he is, but that would mean going back into my same old behavior, which I just can not do again.
I wish I had some kind of answer, like a real reason. I don't want to wonder why and what. Just makes me so sad. Sending hugs your way too.
Hey I know some of how that feels, too. I think for me, its about always being with lovers who are unavailable. I usually end up with a lover who I feel so lonely with...but I need to look at me and what I am doing in my unsuccessful relationships. Its not my job to examine them but to examine ME. I have many abandonment issues and many bad trust issues. I am single now and most days I like it. I am working with a therapist and I go to al-anon meetings.
No, they don't really think about us. Lots of people don't really think at all, generally! A's are thinking about themselves and their drug of choice but this is what the disease is all about! How can anyone expect them to do otherwise because they have this disease. They are addicted to alcohol and will do anything to get it/get back into it and we are addicted to them and will do anything to get to them, control them, watch them, manipulate them, boss them, get them to boss us, ad nauseum.
It is really hard to focus on ourselves! Ever wonder why? I mean really sit down and wonder why? Why is it SO HARD to just sit there for a minute, two, three, four, five and only think about ourselves. WHY?!
Try asking yourself out loud: "what do I desire right now?", "what would make me feel good right now?", "what can I choose to do right now?"- also go to meetings, get a call list, get a sponsor, work your program, get all the books you can find and read them all. Fill your time with your recovery, not with thinking and fussing about anyone else in your life. Hugs, J.
I think I also have abandonment issues, and lots of times I feel like noone cares when I'm bymyself for hours in the day. I am trying to get over that. One thing that is really hard for me is that my entire family is in another country. If they weren't, I could just hang out with them, especially my mom and wouldn't feel so alone.
I am guessing that's why it feels so bad when my bf ends up gone for much longer than expected or promised. I don't really hang out with anyone, mostly I guess because of the times when the A was active. Most of us know what I'm talking about.
I guess A's still think about themselves when sober, not so much about using again in my case anyway, but who knows that for sure. One thing I am better at is usually before I say something to him I think about it, and try not to say anything that sounds controlling or anything like that. I am more aware of myself towards him now.
I guess it is hard to just focus on ourselves because we are so used to focusing on them for so long. Any habit is hard to break. Well Jean, what I desire right now is very specific, I would like some time away from the house with my bf, I don't really care what. Go shoot pool, see a waterfall, ride up to the mountains, go to a fleamarket, whatever, I don't care.
What I desire so much is spending time with him and he refuses to. I tried to talk to him about it again earlier and I didn't really get a response other then to shut up and drop it. Those lines are all too familiar. I must say he came home sober. It's just the past behavior that seems to come trough again.
I do know that I chose to be with him. I did not expect (again I remember I learned not to expect anything at all) his old behavior to come tru. That's when my old behavior comes back too and because of it I need to get back to the program.
I'm thinking about maybe going out tomorrow even if he doesn't want to go but I also know that it will cause problems. But who says he can do it and I can't?
Jean, thank you for your very straightforward reply. I've always liked that about your posts. It sounds to me like you are doing better than a few days ago. I can't imagine being single again, but it does have a lot of good points. Hang in there.
Buick, it sounds like you are thinking of creating your own bliss- go see that waterfall yourself! Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come around. He will come around or he won't. What matters is that you embrace each day as a wonderful new opportunity to please yourself, see a waterfall, go to a fleamarket, go hiking, etc. Generate your bliss. Become a bliss factory.
I know, its so odd. I always thought that people who really liked each other and loved each other would want to spend time together. I seem to connect with people (only romantically, I must insert in here- I have no problems with friends and family and co-workers) who maybe do in the beginning but they almost never do in the end. There were days when I took that personally. I do not anymore. I mean, I do in that I am taking some serious time to review why that is but I am taking it to mean that I am unloveable or 2 messed up. I am not taking it that I am beyond redemption because I know I AM NOT (thanks to my HP).
I am also no where near family and old friends. I used to live in another part of the world, entirely, from them and know how that can be so isolating. It helps me to connect with the natural world as my family and friends-I always have, even as a child. I always felt bodies of water were my mother, earth and trees my father, etc.
If he refuses to spend time with you, you have an opportunity to make a choice- open your eyes and accept this response from him. Accept and then act, instead of re-acting. Accept and really see this reality. Then review your options and decide what you want to do. I have spent SO much time in relationships with men who did not want to spend any time with me!!!! I can look at that and analyze it this way: 1.) why does this hurt me so much? What belief system or expectation is this ramming into?, 2.) what associations do I make with this statement that may be false: when he says he does not want to spend any time with me, I assume it means he does not really love me. I assume it means he wants to be with someone else, etc. etc. ad nauseum. In fact, it really does not necessarily mean any of that at all! This is ME and my stinking thinking generating chaos and making assumptions. NOW, when a lover says that I just shrug and say OK and go off and do my plan B (I always gotta have my plan B). Example: boyfriend did not mention getting together at all over holidays. I did not bring it up either. I made plans (plan b) to visit other people and I know it will be (and has been) super fun. Yeah, I was a little blu about not seeing the one person I care most about in the world during a time of the year when most people make time for the most important people in their lives but you know what? I got over it- its not the end of the world for god's sake. And we ended up breaking up anyway so there you have it!!! go figure. I feel a-ok now. I know who I am and what I want and that was not working for me. I was in love with an idea of a relationship, not the real deal.
How long one can just go off on your own and do all the plan b's in the world is another issue. I found myself doing that so much in my marriage (which has now ended) and that it infuriated him so much, he became violent towards me. I had to terminate that one because so much was at stake. I don't know, some women can do that for YEARS. I am not that kind of woman. And its not because I don't have a life, I certainly do, I am very career oriented and have lots of friends and family and things I like to go out and do, etc. But I needed to learn that- and stick to myself through that.
See, the thing about abandonment, I have found, is that I abandon MYSELF. I have learned NOT to do that and its been sooo helpful. So when people leave or make remarks that hurt, I am still there with myself and recover a lot more quickly.
Sorry to ramble on so long but its a good string and some good posts that have lit a fire under my butt!! Hugs, J.
