The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi there everyone!!! It's been since August I have been able to get into this message board! GRRRRR!! I never know one day to the next when I log out if I'll be able to get back in here! <LOL> I have been reading everyone's posts for months now and it's driving me bonkers that I can't reply back or post a message myself! And believe me...I've needed the support of you all really bad at times and there was nothing I could do,or no way I could get in touch with anyone! And then there were times I wanted to reply to someone's post and I couldn't...So...just in case you don't see me here, doesn't mean I'm not here if that makes any sense. <LO> I'm still com- forted by the fact that there's always someone going through exactly the same thing I am at times and when someone reply's to that person...it's like it's for me too! My latest weakness happened last Friday when I called my ex-AH and I lied about dialing the wrong number! I just wanted to hear his voice! It's been 6 months since he tried calling me last and I didn't call him back. I still have access to his cell phone bill on-line from when we were married and I see a specific number that's on there that is driving me crazy wanting to know who it is! My oldest son is in the military, and he was just home the other day to visit, and he tells me he had called the X-stepdad 2 weeks ago. How I missed seeing his number on the cell phone bill is beyond me...but sure enough, I went back to the previous bill and there it is big as day! If I had known my son talked to the x, I promise you I wouldn't have called him!! Now it looks like it was all staged. My son called him, and then 2 weeks later I call him? I guess what I'm trying to say is that if my cell phone number is still in his cell phone, maybe one night he'll get drunk and call me and then the crap will start all over again, and that isn't what I want at all. I hate thinking that after ALL THE YEARS we had together it boils down to we can't call one another once in a while and say, "Hi, how are you?, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you?" Thats just so un-imagin able it o me. But at the same time...I get it. The cycle has to be broken at some time or another for both of us to be able to move forward. I'm going to let the year 2009 be just that for both of us now that as I'm writing...it helps to see how rediculous I have been acting and feeling! I know I need to delete his phone number out of my cell phone, I know I need to delete the cell phone bill on-line, and stop obsessing over a peticular number. It isn't any of my business any more, we're not married any more! But it's going to be so hard actually doing it. I wish you all could be standing next to me to make sure I do it...when that time comes. New Years Eve?? Yea..that's an ending to a new beginning. Ok...I've made up for lost time here...<LOL> I hope ya'll have a very great/safe time with your families over the next 2 weeks. I will be here one way or another...if not posting/replying..I'll read. Take care and thanks for just being here where I can find comfort in bein' honest about what I'm going through! It's so rough sometimes!!!! :-/
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
AFM, yeah, I set deadlines for myself- like your new years eve one. Its really a good idea. I have found this so useful. I just ended a relationship and deleted everything and it was hard and painful but now I feel really good. It was time. In fact, it was WAAAY PAST the sell-by date, if you know what I mean...but I took care of it and it felt good to do that, finally. You will do it. You will be able to pat yourself on the back. There is a time to move on. We need to clear out the clutter to make way for the new part of the plan that HP has in store for us! Hugs, J.
It might be a good present to yourself to give yourself some face to face Al-Anon meetings before and maybe on Christmas. You'll be with alot of members that you and there will be no computer or the like between you and them. You'll find the hot line number to Al-Anon in the white pages of you local phone book. I hope you go.
