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Well here I am again. After two DUI's, losing her job, and nearly 3 months of hospitlization/rehab my wife and I are living together at home. Unfortunately as we all know things are never that easy and after 5 days together she has gone back to abusing perscription drugs (her first drug of choice is alcohol). I've been working the program to the best of my ability, going to a meeting every day. She is currently enrolled in outpatient rehab and attends an AA meeting every day and already has a sponsor. Unfortunate I feel like I've reached a crossroads.
While in rehab I vowed that I wouldn't enable her to abuse any substance while she lived in our home. Now that it's become a self fulfilling prophecy I feel conflicted about what to do. Part of me feels I should let go and trust that my HP will know what to do, and to let everything work itself out. Another part of me feels that for my own sake I need to set a boundary and say that while she abuses any substance she cannot live with me. I HAVE been going to meetings, and I've really felt that they've helped me let go and let God (as they say). I'm just still so conflicted about what to do.
Maybe this will help. Who was the vow to? sounds like it was to yourself. So to me it is ok to change your mind or if you choose, stick with it.
Also if you did not tell her, then if it was a true boundary, she would have known it and there would have been consequences for the behavior.
I would tell her the boundary, and tell her if it is broken, we are not going to live together.
It is very, very hard to live with an A sober on program or not. That is what makes Al anon so cool. It can help us to understand a lot about aism, then we can make good decisions.
I posted some things to think about on the board the other day , reading your post what comes to my mind is I could not progress in my recovery until I learned to focus on MY RECOVERY. wether your wife gets it or not is up to her , she is attending meetings and AA says that the only requirment for membership is that they have a Desire to stop. that always confused me until someone pointed out the word Desire . You never know when she will hear what she needs to hear and gets the message . This is just my opinion but if u love your wife and want to make this work = leave her to AA and God and take care of you , i promised myself I would try this prog for 1 yr and if things did not improve I would leave , I felt I owed it to us to give it a try . A yr came and went and I had my life back on track and learned to detach with love and understanding of his struggle. A yr later my husb was sober ,that was 19 yrs ago . Go to as many meetings a week as u can find , get well. I am not sorry I waited , if you can hold on for at least 6 months before making a life altering decission * separatation* keep the focus on your recovery u will be able to make a decision based on fact not emotion. Let go and let God - translated to me to step aside so God could get at him . Support her efforts and look after you . Louise
My only ESH is that when I am on the fence or something is unclear, I use Jerry's advice: STOP. When in doubt, do nothing. Wait and watch and see what unfolds.
Also, its been my experience that when the green light comes on- its so incredibly crystal clear. Its like a beautiful bell (might be a painful one but for me, I prefer clarity over pain any day) ringing and for me, its always happened first thing in the morning when I wake up. Something shifted: I NOW KNOW 4 SURE.
I have found that one of my own shortcomings is using choices and decisions/forcing ultimatums as tools of manipulation- I make choices and decisions to punish, to get people to react, etc. I have found that although its one of THE most difficult things in the whole dang universe, it is always OK for me to just stop. Stop and release. Surrender to the moment. Watch and wait. Like sitting very quietly in the forest for hours- wonderful animals and birds will come and go- much information will visit and pass by you if you can just be still.
YOU WILL KNOW when you are ready. It will be loud and clear. Trust yourself and your HP to take care of all of this, in their time. You are exactly where you need to be right now- be there (I know its SO uncomfortable and painful)!
I read the feedback. It was similar to some that I got as an early member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and in which at times I was the sole male member. The disease doesn't care which partner, gender or numbes of people it takes over and kills. It doesn't matter at that point I had to consider that my spouse who went into AA and then left with my enabling help would one day be found dead from the consequences of her drinking and using either from the alcohol or another persons anger and rage. It might have been mine. I enabled her to go back out because I didn't have any awareness of information that was useful to me or her and I went with my ego and pride. By the time I got back into Al-Anon I was completely broken...just how HP needed me and I hung with all those women who had the information and moxie to save my butt.
The point is that while your HP may have used your alcoholic to capture your attention and get you into program. It is where your HP needs you most inspite of the condition of your spouse. You are being told to put the focus only on yourself. That is what your alcoholic is being told also. Put the focus only on her self...not on the bottle and not on QuVat because if either of you take the focus off of yourselves you will miss the railing you need to hold on to during these slippery times and fall. If you or she falls...well one of the consequences of this disease is death. It is a fatal disease if no help is responded to.
Not enabling her often refers to staying out of her way. Consider getting attached to a good sponsor. You can never do that too early.
Keep coming back here and doing your meetings. Miracles are here for those who want them.
