The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Over the last few weeks of reading, listening to speakers, and doing online meetings ZI am finally grasping this osncept of 'I have to change.' But, knowing this, and knowing myself, I am reacting to it not so well. My thoughts are along the lines of 'oh great, another thing you've done WRONG.' I am an acoa, I was bullied incessantly in school, never felt good enough for anyone. I have very low self worth, so in my distorted thinking I am hearing 'another problem you have, another disfunction, are you ever going to be normal'. Honestly, I don't want to deal with another issue, but I know if I don't things will never change. I don't have a whole lot of hope atm, so this is making it even worse. So I guess I am sad, and grieving some, for a life/marriage/dream I probably won't have. I know my HP can do miracles, I have seen them very recently, but MY idea of what I want is probably not the way it will work out.
Ont to the 'its a disease' issue. I do believe it is, but not in the way it is compared to cancer or diabetes, etc. Cancer does not make people choose between right and wrong. Diabetes does not cause people to choose to 'forget' about thier responsibilities, although it may cause them to not be able to live up to them. People with either disease don't usually say "I don't have abc." They get treatment. I believe a's also use this word "disease" as a copout. Like I said, I believe its a disease but imo, it becomes a disease when people get so physically/mentally ill from it they cannot differeniate between right and wrong. To me, its a disease of compulsion. I have an impulse to flip off people that cut in front of me when I drive, but I don't do it. People don't choose to throw up from thier treatments for cancer, or scream and yell or be violent because of thier diabetes. Maybe I'm worng, but I just can't see the corrolation between a'ism and other diseases.
It's really not important if anyone thinks it is a disease or they don't. The bottom line is, it is progressive, and left untreated it causes death. It's affects before death can be detioration of the liver, kidney, pancreas, heart, thyroid and brain. It's obvious alcohol affects the brain and in some cases causes "wet brain". I would have to assume it affects not only behaviors but decision making and reasoning. Since it has the potential to destroy the brain it certainly stands to reason that an active A that is sober for a short periods of time wouldn't be making intelligent decisions if his brain cells are under attack.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Mental illnesses are physical chemical problems that DO make people make bad choices or unable to make any choices at all. We have one of the most bizarre and complicated (and highly unknown) nervous and chemical systems of any living creature. Our body chemistries are massively complicated and so much is not known about the physiological impact this can have on things like perception, making choices, etc. Diabetes can cause people to forget things and responsibilities, I have seen this! Its all so interconnected...my father who died of cancer was very very seriously affected mentally, psychologically, his choices and behaviors were very much affected by his disease. Many many diseases DO affect a persons ability to make choices and DO affect their behaviors- their entire personality is altered and I think this is so because our body chemistry which is so finely tuned and delicate gets waaay out of whack. I think the same goes for alcoholism. And then it builds and is progressive and does not stop until death occurs or until sobriety occurs.
LOOK at the word disease: DIS-EASE. Lack of ease.
I am ACOA, too and I totally understand about the beating yourself up part but the beauty is that you can see your own distorted thinking RIGHT NOW. You can see it right now- its there in your post that you acknowledge this. And acknowledgment is the first step TO change. You need to locate and focus on the REWARDS in order to counter your self-discouragement. Face the light- focus on your positive attributes. I know its impossible to at first and I know it sound dumb and unreal but really, you can take this bull by the horns and clear away the yucky distorted stinking thinking from your brain and your life. Like cleaning a really dirty house. Begin in one small corner and not allow any shred of stinking thinking to exist there. Just shut the door on it- you can do this. I did. and I still have to every single day- I was born and raised to generate negative thoughts. Its like breathing to me. But I am changing and I have changed and my life is so much better.
2 more cents...a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. It is a primary disease in that it is not a part or symptom of any other pathology.
Alcoholics don't drink because they have problems...They have problems because they drink the way they do.
The most effective treatment for the alcoholic and those they affect is spiritual in nature. Wallah!! that's we do.
Look at the ESH you get here for just 4 cents !!!! Even though Jean didn't state she was giving her "2 cents", I'm going to count it and leave with 6 cents that's really worth a million.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you all for the replies. The soberA - I believe their actions are not due to the "disease" but behavioral problems. They need to be addressed as well - their upbringing and pains dealt in life or chemical imbalances have made them who they are. The point is, there are answers for almost everyone to achieve a peaceful life. There just has to be a desire to do so. Maybe this is why I have a hard time understanding the 'disease' part of it. I want to apologize for my post earlier too. I was in a bit of a bad space. I should have posted that I myself am a recovering A, sober 8 yrs. I do beilieve whole heartedly it is progressive, I remember the days when I drank, the chaos, etc. and how it seems to get worse as time goes on.I apologize for not telling you all sooner. I guess because I made the right choice and got sober, went back to church, etc. and am trying to get my life striaght it is hard for me to understand where my H is at. It makes me wonder why some get it and some don't.
Well I think it depends on how a person treats their disease. As you may have read a friend of mine has clearly had a stroke and refuses to go for medical treatment. I would hardly call his behavior responsible. He is certainly not safe to drive and his greatest fear is in losing his drivers license.
I also know plenty of diabetics who are absolutely irresponsible about their treatment.
For me personally I've had to look at my own part in the "disease". When I met the ex A it became quicly pretty clear to me that he had many many problems. I have many many options to leave. Instead I became even more committed. My own issue was a complete and utter lack of self preservation. Denial can be in many many layers. I deal with people who are in denail on many many levels every day. I choose these days not to be that intimate and certainly not to put my life in their hands. If I'm around someone like my friend who's had a stroke who is still driving, these days I remove myself from them. It took for the A to get terribly terribly worse for me to remove myself from him. What's automatic now was not automatic before.
Certainly the active A's behavior is irrational so is the active codependents. For me personally these days rather than wonder why, how or what causes an A or anyone else to be irrational, my part is to remove myself from the situation and take care of me no matter what they do.
I can also stop taking their behavior so very very personally. I know for a fact now that the A's alcoholism was engineered long long before I was on the scene and continues long after I exited the picture, therefore I do not have to take any responsibility for it. The "why" part is something I no longer choose to entertain but I did for a very very long time. Choosing not to entertain it is a huge part of my clearing the way to look at my own behavior, my own charactor defects (which are many) and my own personaly illness and issues which are firmly routed in codependency.
