(An old July 2006 share)


Tradition 7: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

When I was new to Al-Anon I didn't pay much mind to the traditions. They seem kinda dry to me and not related to what I needed in trying to make my life manageable once again. Hahaha. Little did I realize then how very much these traditions could apply and enrich my life.

On the surface, this tradition seems to be talking about just our groups, and our literature explains why we wouldn't want to take outside contributions (such as allowing an outside contributor to feel they then have the right to push their thoughts/services/etc. onto our group). To quote a few sentences in Paths to Recovery, p.193, paragraph 3: "When we take care of our financial needs, we are free to run our fellowship exactly as we wish. There are no benefactors who can dictate or even influence our policies by threatening to withdraw resources." This tradition helps to teach us the importance of being fully self-supporting, to take responsibility for our financial needs ourself. There are other needs too, other than financial, such as perhaps setting up chairs for the meeting, making the coffee, setting up the literature, and so on. People can contribute by doing these things.

Now how does this help enrich my own personal life? For one it shows me how a group working together can function in a smooth manner. It gives me ideas to use in my personal homelife. At home there are chores to be done. I used to do all of them and then would be so tired. My hubby (prior to our marriage) was over one day and asked me why my children weren't doing any of these chores. They certainly were old enough to help out. When I considered that question, I found one reason was because I felt they couldn't do it "the way I liked/wanted it to be done". Well sheesh, here I was tiring myself out and denying my children the opportunity to learn something new and accomplish something, just because I wanted things "perfect". In stepping aside and giving the children chores, I eased the burden on myself, created more time for me to do other things either by myself or with the kids, and helped them to learn how to do for themselves and for the family unit.

This tradition also showed me the importance of being financially self-sufficient. I have been on both sides of needing financial help and giving financial help. Frankly, when I am able to financially help someone, I don't mind as long as I see they are making the effort to help themself also. I was a single mother of 4 for many years and never expected handouts from family or friends. I would gratefully accept handmedown clothes and I did use state programs I qualified for. I did work during this time (and/or attend college) and learned to budget so that my life would not be stuck in this rut forever. In doing this I was able to move out of my parents home (where the kids and I had ended up after my divorce) and get my own apartment. I have a childhood friend who is married with a couple of grown children. When my husband and I inherited an apartment building, we offered an apartment to this friend with the first 2 months free of rent, as she and her husband had helped me out quite a bit with babysitting when I was single. At that time I was under the impression that they were conscientious about their rent. I knew they didn't have much, but thought it was all due to how much they spent on their kids. Unfortunately, time showed that they did not work to be self-sufficient, did not follow through on the things that would have helped them (for years her doctor had told her she needed to be on disability and he had veteran benefits which he never applied for). Their rent was consistently late, I actually had to give them 3-day notices many times in order to get the money. Sad to say this affected our friendship. My husband felt thoroughly used. We had tried many times to help them with paperwork and such, only to have them not follow through with appointments and follow-up paperwork. After seeing this the desire to help them faded as all our efforts were just wasted. I have heard through my sister that they did finally get the proper assistance (disability/veteran) that they needed and qualified for. I think to myself how much easier life would have been for them if this had been done years ago. They might even have been able to have a small savings by now.

I know when I am conscientious about taking care of my own financial needs, I feel better about myself and my circumstances. I also saw there was a way to get out of debt and stay out of debt. For many years I had the "poverty" mentality ("woe is me, i'll always be stuck here"). Thank goodness I learned differently. Thank goodness I learned we have choices and can do something to better ourself. We do have to do the footwork. We may have to accept help we'd rather not (I hated going on welfare when I did). Humbling myself and doing the footwork, accepting help I needed, enabled me to bring myself to a place where I could become self-sufficient and no longer need the additional help. I then, in turn, have been able to share what I learned, strategies to get out of "the rut". I have one son who hates borrowing money for anything. He wants to make it on his own. I guess some of what I've learned has rubbed off on him, eh? *smile* It's good to see that.

Luv, Kis